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  • hey. Hey.

    A little victory yesterday. I ate a whole meal at a restaurant (a nice and cosy little place) and could eat it all, + dessert + tea, without feeling anxious or sick (from anxiety). Legit felt proud of myself when I got out.

    Also did it a second time at the party, was wary of eating at first (slightly, cuz a bit of anxiety at the beginning) but once I easened up, my appetite was back and I ate quite a lot more than I'd usually do. And no feeling sick!

    It's good to reclaim that, eating is also a social act!
    There was a homeless 30 something black dude who was always drunk a while ago. Like I would come across him fairly often on the street and he'd be half-there, carrying a can of Bavaria in one hand, and clearly well-done. I was a bit scared of him, because drunk dudes are a bit scary, but I never heard about any incident implying him except being drunk and at risk of falling onto the road.

    I just learned that he died back in November, hit by a car on a departemental road not far from here at night. I thought he had moved away or something, or that he got his shit together, but no, he never did. Really sad. I don't know what led him to be a homeless drunk at such a young age but I assume he didn't really have it easy.
    It's weird, but my art is changing. I'm no longer that interested in drawing characters, except the occasional one (like the boat spirits, had a funny idea of drawing some on picture of actual boats), but more into drawing actual places from pictures, or drawing random animals like the koi fish which aren't characters, but no longer what my art used to be.

    Perhaps it's just me growing up, or no longer using it as a coping mechanism for constant triggered trauma like it was in high school + college + a bit of my early 20s where I'd make people around me into characters and imagine stories that were kind of a symbolic retranscription of reality. Just, they were anthro animals or those little critters I called Cards and that I still feel too "burned" to go back to.

    Either way, it's changing...
    Got a craving for salmorejo out of nowhere. When I move out I want to make some, especially if it's before/during summer, and have all the pleasure to myself, have it be mine and only mine. (or perhaps sharing it with friends?)

    1705774683487.png


    Tasted it for the first time during my trip to Spain back in 2018, and I remember loving it
    Passed the driving theory exam, will be onto driving in a few weeks probably!
    It's scary to think I'll be one step closer to full independence, because it's like I have that idea (most likely planted in childhood implicitly) that I can't make it out on my own, but... I ain't going backwards, go forward or die
    I took a peek at the last good year topic, and now... who knows, what if I'm about to have my first actually good year? Or decent?

    I'm still remaining careful in my optimism, but it has at least started well. Hopefully this could be my first good year. Either way I'm glad I kept living "to see what happens next", even if the good things have taken hell of a long time (24 years!) to come for me. Still wouldn't wish the amount of trauma I'm still disentangling (because yes, back at it now... rip) on my worst enemy, but I'm glad I kept my faith.
    Went to my first party in 5 years, had a lot of fun, learned that I actually like wine (white, that is), sung more in that evening than in my whole life (and let my body express!), we made collages out of magazines, played until 4am. Told one girl she was pretty with some wine, no full-on flirting and I'm not sure she'd be interested anyway, but I said it. I was scared out of my fucking mind before going to that party but I did it, and I'll be doing it again. This was 100% my kind of party, chill and good and fun without over-focusing on booze. There's a werewolf game day AND night planned in February already.

    But to me the biggest thing is singing. Music is my life yet my musical intelligence, especially productive, is underdeveloped compared to my other ones because it requires making noise (aka very anti-Aral), and music is also something people judge a lot, whether it's your singing or your taste.
    You know you're making progress when you put yourself in potentially "dangerous" (for your traumatized mind, not actually dangerous) situations, experience a minor sense of dysregulation because it's getting yourself out of your comfort zone, it doesn't overtake you and you can still keep an open mind about outcomes and tell yourself "if it works, good, but if it doesn't, it's not the end of the world". It really helps to trust your gut too, something I was unable to do just a year ago. Completely caught up in the mind.

    And I find it generally turns out fine in the end, sometimes really good.
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    I've played My Child Lebensborn (just finished the remastered), and honestly I can't wait for this sequel to come. I'll play it immediately.
    ...uh what do you mean it's not normal to cuss like a sailor, have a generally derogatory-sounding language and that the best conversations you can hold are about bashing others and/or listening to someone bashing someone else? And looking down on "normies" or "pure products of society"?
    I'm 24 today, thinking of writing a blog entry about this.
    It's weird because on one hand I don't feel like the same person I was even a year ago, but on the other hand, I feel nothing much has changed. I'm still doing the same old stuff every day. I'm better with emotional boundaries, not entirely isolated anymore, but still way away from people my age. I think most of my former classmates are probably way further in life than I am, have a degree or even a masters, and a well-paying job. But have they endured what I endured? I don't know. I just know that I may or may not be about to finally catch up. I'm wary of thinking "yes this is it" because of how many times I thought this was it, only to end back to square one soon after.

    Good news though: tomorrow got an appointment at a potential workplace, so miiiight get something soon. But I'm not getting my hopes up, I'm kind of concerned I still may not be good enough, even if I've been recommended by someone reputable.
    Alixie
    Alixie
    Feliz cumpleaños Aral:peepoLove1:
    jaedaen
    jaedaen
    We live many, many lives in a lifetime. I don't feel like I'm the same person I was even 2 years ago, and I'm pretty old. Thinking about back when I was still married a good 10 years ago feels like a 1000 years ago to me. Also, the imposter syndrome is strong when you're young, and even if you objectively pretty good at something, sometimes it's easy to feel like you're not worthy of being a part of it. I've been looking for work for a while now and it's coming back a bit for me even, and I've been in this industry 20 years. I never went to college myself, I just 'nerded' my way through the beginning stages when I was younger (maybe less applicable now, I don't know (shitty if true)).

    Good luck on the interview!
    • Love
    Reactions: Aral
    MySpace Tom
    MySpace Tom
    Happy birthday! Don't compare your life to others' too closely. Everyone walks a different path. Walk yours with purpose and with your head held high :KrillinThug:
    • Love
    Reactions: Aral
    A neighbourhood cat I really liked just died. Hit by a car that was going fast in my small street. Still warm. Next-door neighbour rang the bell very panickedly because she thought the cat was my grey boy. But I saw the body and recognized who it was. She was very sociable, let me carry and kiss her even, and give me headbutts when I would do so. Often pregnant with kittens, very small and light, thin, with a slightly crooked jaw. She'd meow in a cute little voice, would come into my house and steal my cats' food in such a way that I suspect she was very hungry, possibly neglected/abandoned. Just gorging on their kibble and sometimes looking for more. She would also eat at an old couple's house.
    Antice
    Antice
    What happen to the kittens?
    Aral
    Aral
    @Antice No idea. I've never seen her with kittens, except one I think may be her daughter (that I saw grow up and herself get pregnant once, then probably got spayed), but I think they were either stillborn or that, if she had a family, were killed. I could feel the fetuses if touching her stomach and all, and they were moving. I'll never know what happened to them. I think she was pregnant when she died, as her belly had started to be round again, but it wasn't yet advanced.
    Antice
    Antice
    Wtf.... :(
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