endless_self

despite the mental crisis i'm currently experiencing, i find my daily joy in the bouncy toyota yaris gmod addon.
same goes for videos of the same toyota yaris when i'm unable to play gmod. absolutely loving it!

i think i lost my ability to draw? (and feel enjoyment by the process)

first started to draw because i wanted to make friends, but had no real interests but playing old source games (and gaming in general) and watching anime. my old drawings were absolutely dogwater, but i enjoyed the process!
in college there wasn't much people that were drawing, but those who were - are still my friends)
problem is: i stopped drawing about half a year ago due to exam prep and coursework. felt like i should draw the entire time, but had no time or was extremely tired.
now, every time i try to draw it turns out absolutely horrible in comparison to my old works. it feels awful and extremely demotivating to draw as it just reminds me of the fact that i sold a part of my soul to achieved the success i've dreamed about.

tried uninstalling mint from my secondary drive, and now grub bootloader is being stupid as it can't find the linux partition.
now i can't boot into win 10 as well. basically im locked out of my puter.
tried to search for a fix online, and did a bunch of fuckery with the terminal, but it had absolutely no results.
if any of you knows how to disable grub and restore windows bootmgr, i would appreciate some advice!
my head is cracking from this stuff

multi-cookers are the best, dude. just fry some meat, throw in some vegetables and and top it with some canned beans/corn. wait 1 hour and BOOM - super delicious, homemade, warm and healthy stew! (i made one rn and i'm happily eating it nom-nom-nom)
and you can do all sorta stuff in them! rice? zero effort. soup? you're at the right place! pies?! YOU BET!
plus a small bonus is that they are waaaay more power efficient than any oven as it uses different method of heating/preparing food.
absolutely god-sent. god bless the person who invented them.

((this message was NOT sponsored by any multi-cooker manufacturer or brand, i just LOVE this underrated piece of modern technology!))

just received 50+ notifications of Agora Gang Tags... insane!

getting my exam results tomorrow.
scary, exciting and simply interesting how well me and lads did on our exams.
wish me luck, travelers!

to be honest, i don't feel good using internet lately. my main problem with it is that whenever i have nothing to do i start brainlessly scrolling through whatever is opened on the screen. even after 10 minutes of this time-wasting activity i can feel my head hurting or spinning and time just becomes non-existent. additionally, i become emotionally distant and tend to be more aggressive after spending time close to the monitor. those feelings suck and i hate it!

for quite some time i've been blaming the websites and corporations that own them for this, but i think its not just them - its also me. my lack of self control, my weird coping mechanisms, my addiction to the never-ending stream of knowledge and to many, MANY poisons that internet offers are the main reason for my every day misery. its no longer about corpo = bad, this is more about internet = bad and computer = bad now.

i've been struggling to find anything meaningful to do since the end of my exams that left me completely devastated. when i want to do stuff i compulsively grab my phone/turn on my desktop just to begin another cycle of brainrot-forget-remember-regret, and it sucks! i couldn't draw because my mind constantly feels hazy, when i want to animate i become sad and play tf2, and when i try to learn something my head starts hurting. today i even woke up with my head spinning, how worse could it possibly get?!

i thought about this for a while now and i think its about time to stop wasting my time and begin to be more productive, pursue my dreams, actually do the stuff that i want to do, you know?
i'm going to remove the monitor from my desk at which i sit all day and also will unplug the internet from it. that doesn't mean that i won't return eventually, it just means that i want to detox myself from whatever this human-made all-knowing abomination is and try to enjoy whatever little time i have before i start studying my ass off again.

anyways, travelers
i hope that you have a good evening, or day, or morning, or night and i hope that you are less prone to brainrot that i am haha.
see you!

finally got my hands on a Tron: Legacy dvd.
this piece of media single-handedly made me think that computers are cool.

the root partition got corrupted after migrating linux to a new ssd so now i have to reinstall mint and re-import my stuff from windows. again...
im only sad to lose all of my death stranding screenshots i've done recently, but other than that i didn't lose much data.
im mad but i have no idea who im mad at.

i don't wish to be sad anymore, nor shall i be afraid.
from this day and to the day that my light fades i will enjoy the life to its fullest.
i will appreciate every single part of my life, no matter if it's beautiful or ugly.
doesn't matter whether my day was lucky or not, nor how shitty the weather was
because, at the end of the day,
i'm living life and i'm living MY life.

4th of July? Already?!

fun fact of the day: in MS Paint, you can hold spacebar to drop the pen and use directional arrow keys to move the cursor, turning paint into virtual Etch-a-Sketch!
here's what i did: =D

i switched to linux! yaaaay!
i got tired of microsoft doing stupid stuff to windows and forcing people to switch to their stinky windows 11 that has ads, brand new ai spyware and ugly ui. knowing that microsoft will only become worse with time (they always do), i decided to bite the bullet and switch to linux.

my distro of choice was linux mint cause after trying it for a while through live usb it was intuitively understandable to me, and that is what i need in my os! =D
i was glad to know that most of my creative apps are natively supported on linux (blender, krita, godot), although because some of my soft was not supported i had to keep windows 10 as my secondary os just in case. i just can't let go off my sony vegas pro 13 and fl studio. =(

the only thing that didn't go as expected is that my grub bootloader failed to identify the windows on a separate ssd and after one whole day of trying to tinker with it i just gave up. i guess i'll have to use my BIOS to switch between operating systems haha...

anyways,
AI bad, Microsoft bad
thanks for stopping by, traveler

hello, i'm back from exams!
it has been a good while since i wrote my last status here and i actually missed this place a little.
anyways, i've managed to successfully finish my exams. the amount of time i've spent revising and actually writing exams felt like an eternity: without an ability to do the things i love to do it felt as if i lost the direction and sense of purpose in my life. the amount of stress was enormous either, in some of the exams i even had troubles concentrating on my thoughts making it even harder to correctly answer the questions.

but despite all that, i don't think it was all for nothing. with all the effort that you have to put in, with the amount of stress one must endure, it would be simply unreasonable to assume that you can fail.
being confident about your results is probably the best outcome one can get in this scenario, i guess. =D

the only thing that i regret a little is that i had to completely isolate myself from everything for a good 4-5 months, during which my friends were talking to each other and actively discussing all the interesting stuff happening in the world of media and video games. it felt unbelievably lonely and bitter to only be capable of listening, but not actively participate in the discussions.
but i reckon i still can catch up with them in the next month during our d&d campaign >:D

anyways, dear agorians
i hope that, no matter what you do, your efforts will be met with equal or greater amount of success in your lives!
aaaaaand i'm back to the net! (for now)

i'm writing this while shaking, so my spelling might be bad at times. sorry in advance.

tomorrow i'll be taking my first exam. i've been tirelessly preparing for this moment for the past 3 months.
it's hard to describe this weird mix of emotions that i feel currently. every time i'm thinking about exams i can feel adrenaline spikes in my blood, how my heart is beating and its even hard to breathe due to stress. im scared, uncertain, stressed and excited at the same time.
english language is not my main language and i've been only speaking it for the past two years, so taking exams in this language won't be easy for me either.
and despite all doubts i've raised, i still think that every decision i've made and all knowledge i've gained ultimately led me to this point. this is the moment that will define the trajectory of my life, and im excited.

if you read this, i want you to know that you are the only person who can truly impact your own fate. every decision and action you take will be reflected in the future.
so i will say truly, willpower is the strongest force that can act on one's life. better utilise that potential within to shape your life in a way that will bring you what you desire.

signing off,
endless_self

was given an opportunity to pick myself a new laptop for uni. i don't know much about laptops, so i asked my peers (irl or not) for advice. here's what i got:

1) "buy a macbook! it's build quality, battery power and performance per watt is unmatched in the current laptop market."
macbooks would be an ideal option for me if this wasn't apple. they have zero upgrade-ability and repair-ability due to all parts being soldered on a motherboard. i like to fix my stuff myself and not pay someone to do that for me because "i can break it". additionally i've heard that mac ssd's are prone to failure (like any ssd) and can easily brick a normal machine due to the memory being irreplaceable.
2) "if i were you, i would buy myself a new gaming laptop. not only it can game, but it can also do cad, animations, game and software dev and a lot more."
neat option but the battery life is bad, recent models have soldered lpddr5 memory and come with windows 11 preinstalled (and it SUX). additionally, they're heavy, chunky and eat a bunch of power. but hey, at least they have RGB right?
3) "if you are looking for a good option, buy yourself a thinkpad. they have proven themselves extremely reliable over the years and you can get them for quite cheap used."
good option as well although new thinkpads suffer from seemingly two issues similar to all modern laptops: soldered ram and spyware by the name of windows 11. i know i can install linux on any windows machine, but i just hate soldered parts in laptops. and while soldered CPU became the norm for any laptops and is borderline bearable, i wouldn't want my device to die because i cant replace my ram or storage.
4) "you should buy a chromebook! its good for cloud based apps and has the battery life that matches apple's macs!"
chromebooks are glorified android tablets with attached keyboard to make them look like laptops. they are unable to do literally anything i want my device to do so no thank you very much.
5) "ah yes have you heard that ARM comes to windows and they call them copilot+ pc's? its so cool, it has in-built ai and stuff and also it will record what you do on the laptop to help you find stuff from weeks ago. prrrety convenient, isn't it?"
and i thought you can't put more spyware in windows haha. concept of having energy efficient arm on windows laptops is neat because it will enable linux community to tinker with them and adapt linux for those arm processors, giving an opportunity to choose from more diverse range of distributions than "spyware toggle on" and "spyware toggle off (but not really)". but until then, its just another laptop that has soldered ram, soldered storage and an iteration of windows os. processor is good, everything else - pretty bad.
6) "have you tried looking into framework laptops? i heard they are pretty upgradeable, repairable, support linux and allow for maximum customisation for the user."
i DID look into framework laptops, and while they provide unmatched levels of customisation and serviceability, they are also pretty pricey in relation to the amount of power they provide. for the money that can buy me a basic framework 13 with 16 gb of ddr5 and ryzen processor, i can get a gaming laptop with a dedicated gpu that will be more than capable of performing whatever i throw at it.

so my question for you, dear agorians: if you had to buy a laptop for doing lots of creative and computing works, what woud you choose?
it's not necessary to pick something out of this list of suggestions btw.

once im done with my studying i will switch to linux mint cause windows 11 smells
how can any sane person PAY for an OS and accept receiving ads? not even talking about all privacy issues ugh...

I will repost my message from chat. This is EXTREMELY important:
does anyone know why @dargon left agora/net? i read his last posts both here and on his website and im incredibly concerned for his well being. i don't know him personally, but the tone of his latest posts seems unusual.

i seriously do not understand people who praise the war as if it is something good and/or cool. war is ANYTHING but good.
the war ALWAYS brought grief and NOTHING but grief: fathers have to bury their sons, mothers are left as widows, children will be raised without their parents.

and the worst part, media usually portrays any war as sort of "fun" or "heroic" event in human history, completely undermining the HORRORS associated with it. sure, its fun and games to peek into "romanticized war" from a comfortable chair, looking through the monitor - poisoning minds of average people with the twisted perspective on it.
like, i don't even see the reason of why someone would like the war in the first place? no propaganda is able to turn normal people into cruel animals like that, unless the person was twisted to begin with.

so here's my question of the day to you agorians: how braindead or bloodthirsty one has to be to root for war?

today was a goddamn emotional roller coaster.
i went from "typical thursday" to "boooring", then to "oh damn this day might not be so bad", then to "holy crap i literally cant take it anymore", then to "life is a bliss and i want to appreciate it while i can" after a small walk outside, and then after one conversation im back to "omg i can't take it anymore".
i want to finish my goddamn education and not solve your stupid problems (that you've completely could've avoided if you weren't such a dummass!)
not allowed to be happy ffs