Little River Aral

...uh what do you mean it's not normal to cuss like a sailor, have a generally derogatory-sounding language and that the best conversations you can hold are about bashing others and/or listening to someone bashing someone else? And looking down on "normies" or "pure products of society"?

I'm 24 today, thinking of writing a blog entry about this.
It's weird because on one hand I don't feel like the same person I was even a year ago, but on the other hand, I feel nothing much has changed. I'm still doing the same old stuff every day. I'm better with emotional boundaries, not entirely isolated anymore, but still way away from people my age. I think most of my former classmates are probably way further in life than I am, have a degree or even a masters, and a well-paying job. But have they endured what I endured? I don't know. I just know that I may or may not be about to finally catch up. I'm wary of thinking "yes this is it" because of how many times I thought this was it, only to end back to square one soon after.

Good news though: tomorrow got an appointment at a potential workplace, so miiiight get something soon. But I'm not getting my hopes up, I'm kind of concerned I still may not be good enough, even if I've been recommended by someone reputable.

A neighbourhood cat I really liked just died. Hit by a car that was going fast in my small street. Still warm. Next-door neighbour rang the bell very panickedly because she thought the cat was my grey boy. But I saw the body and recognized who it was. She was very sociable, let me carry and kiss her even, and give me headbutts when I would do so. Often pregnant with kittens, very small and light, thin, with a slightly crooked jaw. She'd meow in a cute little voice, would come into my house and steal my cats' food in such a way that I suspect she was very hungry, possibly neglected/abandoned. Just gorging on their kibble and sometimes looking for more. She would also eat at an old couple's house.

This may seem like a silly question but how do normal people breathe without holding it in 24/7?

I have this odd habit of holding my breath or breathing quite shallowly all the time. I've had people tell me "you can breathe out", or "you should take a deep breath", but it's always been incredibly hard for me, not physically, but because it's like I can never quite relax. Feels like the minute I relax, the other shoe will drop and will drop harder on my head. Hypervigilance. The thing is, I suspect it's partly why I have a slight myopia (being unable to relax) and my heartbeat being sort of irregular at times.

Does anyone else have this issue? Or can give me tips on how to really... I don't know, breathe like a normal person?

When I was going home today, a hedgehog was walking along the sidewalk on my street. I crouched, put my hand forward, and after initially slightly curling up, it came towards and sniffed my fingers with its little humid nose. Then resumed walking, a little faster. But damn those creatures are so adorable I wish I could cuddle them. I think this one was also a young one in addition. Just aaapidpoqzkeoieirez

I've finished a little notebook in my diaries today, and have taken a look at my 2021 diaries (started writing on Sep 29, 2021) and... I'm a bit afraid of the person I was back then because 2021 Aral was unstable, trigger-happy, and constantly trying to find excuses for a friend who just didn't care about her that much (but honestly, we were a good "pairing", she was even worse in mental stability). In another of these diaries I'm straight up saying "what do we have in common except mental health issues?". Yeah no, that was a sign.

Feels like reading another person's diary, I just can't believe I was ever so unhinged. And my Russian was so bad then lol, trying to translate some passages feel like a nightmare.

But hey, that's what personal growth does to you, right? That's a blog entry topic.

This is getting good sooner than I would've expected. I've alternated between English and Portuguese in my last diary entry, sometimes in the same sentence.

I still don't know that much Portuguese and need to check if I got it correctly, but I'm surprised at the speed at which I'm picking it up. It's a Romance language close to my native language, yeah, but still, it's been what, a little over a month since I started really learning it and about two since I listened to my first song in this language?

I want to sit alone on a beach, facing the ocean, and just listen to the waves, and watch in the horizon to feel the immensity. I would like the sun to be going down at this point, because the light isn't as blinding, has a gorgeous golden hue, and it's pleasantly warm as opposed to an oven.

I've been a moon for so long and I now long to be a sun... not just reflect lights, but emit it, too.

There are moments where I feel I'm just possibly helplessly mentally disordered (while realizing and trying to remind myself a fair amount of my issues are actually stemming from how my parents acted when I was a kid) and beyond repair, and I'm in those moments.

Like that I'm just impossible to ever repair, and that no matter what I do I'll remain "broken", that maybe my mother is right and I AM really autistic/developmentally disordered, and can only dream of a regular life like any other person. That maybe it's true that I'll never be "separate" from my parents. Always an extension of them somehow. My birth name that is blatantly used behind my back. Not a human, not the name I prefer using as to be "me". That I'm irreparably broken. And I can't even let myself cry because I'm not home alone.

Twins!

I cringe at my past posts. Maybe that's a good thing.

Ok, now it's official, French accent sounds lazy and annoying to my ears in every foreign language I'm practicing. It's like they don't even try to pronounce well. If you're learning a language don't you try to pronounce as close to a native?

I don't see how people can find a French accent sexy. To me it sounds really irritating.

I'm back to desiring therapy and a driving license. It's a cycle. But not any kind of therapy. I think that what truly would benefit me is psychanalysis more than traditional therapy. Ultimately what I want is to have someone to help me analyze my stuff more than really "solving" any issue.

Thing is, the price. And the price. And the price of all of that shit.

Fucking skeeters biting me every evening, and also dammit fuck my neighbours for letting water from recent rainfall stagnate into empty flower pots and thus providing a perfect breeding ground for said skeeters right next to my window. The wife is Reunionese ffs, she should fucking know that but nope, or just doesn't care, aaaargh

putain de sa mère fuck god dammit ёбанный в рот пиздец foda-se caralho

My diary's becoming an utter language mess. Since 2021 I've written only in Russian in it as to practice, but even as I felt like writing in English, I reverted back to Russian and added French and Portuguese words. Then back to English. Then back to Russian. It kind of illustrates what kind of mess is going into my head as I think in three different languages that bump constantly into each other. And what appears to be my fourth will mix in soon enough.

Oh well, no one's going to read the stuff I write in those booklets. I can go crazy all I want.

I have the mental energy to write proper replies, which I hadn't had in months.

Hot take: self-deprecating humour isn't funny, it's pathetic. It's one thing to laugh about one's blunders (because humour can be found in that) but the constant self-deprecating jokes make you look like someone fishing for reassurance.