I know it's the psychosis, but today I felt little Caligula in my arms and the lack of him is driving me crazy. I feel a sense of loss for something I never had.
Okay, to explain, he's a fucking monster of a Roman Emperor. Murderer, torturer, all you can think of. But his name means "little [military] boots", and he got it because he used to hang out in his father's barracks as a kid and the soldiers would dress him up in mini uniforms, including those little boots. Then his father died. His mother banished. He grew up under the very person who caused the deaths of his family members. He became an Emperor, he became a monster.
But somewhere inside, he's still the little baby with the little boots to me. He'll stay a baby forever. I know it's the psychosis, but I felt him in my arms and he called me "dad". I felt it in me, I felt that I didn't want to fail him. I'll raise him right. He was so tiny on my heart, I can't explain.
And the lack of him in my arms is driving me crazy. My tiny son.
