VaporwaveHistorian
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  • Sitting on a certain couch in a certain coffee shop while manic makes me want to read Foucault's prisons philosophy. Weirdest association nostalgia/memory ever. I just crave Foucault in my manic episodes. Why the fuck
    VaporwaveHistorian
    VaporwaveHistorian
    Prisons were faulty from the start. They said "it will protect you from big bad criminals AND it will rehabilitate criminals and give them jobs", but it was a lie. Prisons were designed to dehumanize people, act like petty crimes were as horrible as murder, teach the prisoners nothing but fake little jobs that wouldn't feed them outside, and finally trick them into committing crimes again or cooperating with the cops for criminal jobs like smuggling etc that the gov't needed dirty men for. Prisons are there to scare people and ostracize a certain group, so that the gov't can use that group for dirty jobs as much as it wants.
    dargon
    dargon
    hmm that's very interesting,
    it's naive to thing that prisons are good,
    as u group criminals w themselves, making it easier for them to root themselves in that life. It's all normalized when every exception is put together the same way, so they're desensitized by the atrocities committed, or blackmailed to continue doing, someone else may have done something worse or "lots" of ppl did the same so "it's fine for me to". 1% of global population is not something the human mind can discern as small

    as those outside of prison will have a vision mostly exaggerated and dehumanized of those that are in, not inclined to accept them again

    all that + the variables of corruption and the human imperfection/incapacity of following rules and laws, makes it really impossible

    but, not accounting these vars,
    how can someone who trashes their chance inside the society/humanity, be treated as one? it was, virtually, their choice ultimately (again, not accounting the vars of reality)
    Some_porcupine
    Some_porcupine
    magic waaaaaays
    Has there ever been a thread about language things like "dont call it disabled, call it differently abled" or general political correct culture? If not, should I make one? If there was, how do I find it?
    I love it when the writers of a historical document put everything aside and talk about something. It's so human. Like, yeah, stop everything in the documentation and tell us about how you feel. Or when you're keeping excavation diaries, tell us about how overwhelming it was when you first saw that one finding. I'm also keeping documents on a project now and I've been writing tiny little things in the Notes section of things now. Small easter eggs for future researchers.
    big_ping07
    big_ping07
    this is one of my biggest gripes regarding historical/scientific documentation. our emotions are just as valid as facts. okay maybe a little less valid because they're not very measurable or consistent, but u get what i mean. the human experience is so emotionally complex; how can someone list off the external happenings without documenting the internal? it always brightens my day when i read research papers and the researchers admit to how frustrating the process was or when they call out other researchers for being scummy. without the emotion, all these words are kinda scary. like who are you? are you even human? are you real?
    VaporwaveHistorian
    VaporwaveHistorian
    God yeah! That's exactly what I'm talking about! So far I'm including things like what I lost with each research session (dropped my pen into the water, bird shat on my shoe, etc). Also little messages about particularly beautiful parts of the monument... I love that stuff!
    I am surrounded with people who think war is a motherfucking game. It's so ironic that the ones who are the loudest are the ones who've never witnessed war. They make it about pride, "I'd rather die on my feet!" and forget that we are actually talking about massacre of civilians and all you love vs. changing the status quo through other means.

    What was that fucking quote by Kurt Vonnegut? He gets it because he has been in the shit himself. "...there is nothing intelligent to say about a massacre. Everybody is supposed to be dead, to never say anything or want anything ever again. Everything is supposed to be very quiet after a massacre, and it always is, except for the birds. And what do the birds say? All there is to say about a massacre, things like 'Poo-tee-weet?'"

    People will only take me seriously if they sense what death is through all five senses. Until then, anti-war will be called cowardice.
    A L I X
    A L I X
    @Aral I have heard that Spec Ops: The Line was a really good game that accurately portrayed war. But yeah, games like COD are just propaganda that romanticizes war, and they don't even bother hiding it.
    . . . ...
    . . . ...
    Maybe if people were exposed to real war footage, they could realise that it's not a game. And also from what I heard, if war does actually happen it's probably not going to be some glorious death or something like that, you may be blown to bits by artillery before firing a single shot, or sniped from a mile away by some guy that's hiding in ruble or in the tree, accidentally step on mine, blown by IED etc. In short it's not going to be very fun


    EDIT:
    This video shows a soldier surviving a near miss from a sniper. Imagine barely surviving a sniper shot, in the video the bullet just about skims the side of the helmet. This could probably be an example video that you could show. There area also more graphics vid to show if you know where to look

    View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W0yY4DCShog
    VaporwaveHistorian
    VaporwaveHistorian
    Tears in my eyes to see how kind you all are. All those people I've seen who think hate is justified... They have never thought about what war is, killing is, all that sort. All five senses of death. Touch and smell, unintentional taste. They are loud. Survivors are too traumatized to speak. Even the next generation of survivors are too traumatized. That was what got me medicated twice, almost hospitalized. I had war on my mind, thinking about how fucking horrifying it was, lost contact with everything about reality but death. Living unseen times, felt under hands. Ever since, I have memory gaps. I think it's been a year. War kills kills kills kills and does things worse than kill.
    I'm thankful you people get it. Good people, good souls you are. Good, kind souls you are.
    I got sick out of nowhere. Used to get sick all the time as a kid. Cold wet towel on my forehead. Extra sensitive skin feeling the blanket. Oddly comforting. I need sleep before my morning class. I am my own caretaker. I feel loved by everyone and everything. Wet towel and soft blankets. No food, just rest.
    I was drinking water from a shallow bowl. I don't have a glass with me. The bowl isn't the cleanest. But light came in through the window bars and things felt okay. Light comes in so gently on me that I want to poke people, grab their shoulders and pull them into the sun. World's okay. We love you. We are loved.1000064098.jpg
    If we were not made with love, why do cats purr when we pet them? Humans are so wonderful that their presence makes others happy. We make each other happy. You make me happy. Bless you all and have a great day :)
    It's late and I'm tired but I want to tell you about Marcus/Markos. Markos is a burial at Çatalhöyük, a site of 7500-6400 BC Neolithic Anatolia. His name is not Markos originally but I named him because they call him F258 and I think he deserved a name. He is (so far) the only visibly disabled inhabitant found. Normally, they buried people in the houses. Markos was buried in a trash/toilet area outside. I think it's unfair and sad. His burial is also different, his body appears weirdly positioned, as if they bound his hands together before putting him in. It made me sad.

    And people don't remember him but I do. It's been around at least 8 thousand years and I love him. He was a young man. Maybe he was around my age. I call him Marcus Felix (or Markos Feliks for easy reading in my language), which means "Happy Markos" in latin.

    20240311_103833.jpg
    VaporwaveHistorian
    VaporwaveHistorian
    I named him so because they say "One must imagine Sisyphus happy" and seeing him like that, painful disabilities, most likely ostracized... only wanted to imagine him happy. I wanted to try. Here's Markos. I love him. I wanted to share it with you.

    I want to take him out of that hole and say it's okay. I want to give him painkillers that actually work. Then, I want to give him a nice blanket and show him the wonders of the world. I could take him everywhere and show him that we are good, humans are good, we still enjoy life. There's so much to see, so much to live. I want to take him out of that pit and make him feel loved forever. He deserved better. I think this is the integral part of archaeology but no one talks about it because people laugh. But you find yourself building a family with people you have never seen. He was before any of my traceable ancestors but he is my friend. I will give him my favorite ice cream flavors and show him how hot chocolate tastes like.
    nsequeira119
    nsequeira119
    Good idea. His favorite ice cream flavor will probably be Rocky Road
    VaporwaveHistorian
    VaporwaveHistorian
    That would be fitting and awesome!!! Thank you!
    I'm manic, started writing a novel 4 days ago, I am so close to finishing it today. It wasn't even planned. Will publish as e-book on amazon. It started off as some generic Ottoman harem novel and now it's a political criticism on late Ottoman politics of the palace. I really don't fucking know and I really can't keep track of things. I just want to finish it and be done with it, so I may start another.
    Weirdest side effects list excerpt ever. [Olanzapine (antipsychotics). ]
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    I couldn't focus on a class today because I kept seeing the world like this. Shadows, moving lights and static, that sort of stuff. Too much light, as if my eyes were seeing beyond. I looked at the professor and saw the formations around him. Something like a halo, some figure around his back of light, moving towards him. TV static of light.
    Untitled221_20240314195110.png

    Normal vision:
    Untitled221_20240314193503.png
    Meds give me weirdass dreams but it gave me a gem too, I saw a locket necklace in my dream and opened it. It had a drawing of a gray cat with pajamas and it said "Grammurmur" as in Grandma+Murmur. The cat was smiling. It said on the back, "I regret letting you go". I'm glad the kitty is okay because he hasn't existed, but I'm also glad I saw a happy kitty in my dream.
    lan @llillilll sizin ora sallanmış diyorlar, iyi misiniz
    shrink gave good meds with my usual meds, i think world will feel okay. flesh is okay to have when i hold my tiny cat in my arms. he is warm, warmth is nice, and he does tiny paw thing and claws scratch me, and its okay to feel. light comes, i move my head, shadow on his sleepy eyes so he sleeps. i think we are okay. humans are tiny but so big. ants are beautiful as i save them from cat water bowl. i think we are tiny ants. its a beautiful world and more beyond. its okay to belong to it, feel like it for a while
    There was a vaporwave album and the name escapes me, I WANT it so much randomly. It had a lady looking at the camera through a bubble. It fucking slapped. Colors were nice as fuck. She was Asian and she was smiling. The songs were Japanese/English as far as I can remember. Maybe some Korean??? Does anyone remember that?
    How do I keep sane? I need to keep sane for a few days before I can see the psychiatrist. I really have nothing left. No website is helping. I stopped talking to people and even if I hadn't, they'd brush it off. I wish it was just my usual mild depression. It was just depression. Got heavier. Still managed it, I knew how to manage it.

    Then the reality. It felt superficial. All that anchored me to it started shifting. I wish it was just hallucinations. I know how to manage. But I've lost the concept of family relationships. Where I am. Who I am. My age. I forget the year, date, my name, my age. I don't remember what family means, but I have two nice folks "parents" who call me now and then.

    My goals, future, hobbies mean nothing but something so superficial. I need to keep sane for Tue-Wed-Thu and on Fri, I'll see the psych back home. But till then, I don't know if I can manage.

    I'll write all into a post after I make it back. But till then, HOW THE FUCK DO I FEEL REAL
    james32123
    james32123
    My experiences in life vastly differ than yours, so I don't expect that this will be the kind of solution you need.
    but
    Just do things that aren't boring. Maybe try drawing? Listen to some new music, or a podcast. Watch a cartoon from when you were younger, pirate it if you need to. Play a video game you used to like.

    Life is a confusing fucked up thing. Everyone copes in different ways, even if they don't feel like they're "coping." Talking to the psychiatrist will definitely help you out, but until then just try to keep yourself busy, and talk to people if you can.
    VaporwaveHistorian
    VaporwaveHistorian
    Thank you everyone, I read all your stuff. Good stuff you all recommended. God bless you all.

    All started when I began working on a specific historical place a few weeks ago. I started feeling darkness after a while. Felt like I could see something others couldn't. Drove me insane. It felt like noticing that a neighborhood tree has moved 3 steps to left. Something was horribly wrong and no one spoke. It was just a historical place.

    Once things settle, I'll make a post about it. I started having panic attacks for no reason, I kept thinking, isolating, couldn't voice out what I've felt/seen. Felt like disrespect to them. They who? I can't name precisely.

    In the end, I got disillusioned with flesh. Temporary everything. I look at people and think of the death of all. Became a reflex.

    I can't comprehend what is outside the shell. People think it's just the yolk and white. But it cracked. Drives me insane. I need to engage in worldly things for a while.
    Filthy Phil
    Filthy Phil
    Stay safe my friend and keep us updated
    @llillilll Baba nasılsın la hissettin mi depremi? İzmir de sallanmış diyorlar. İstanbul'un dağlarında titreştik aq. Aylardır kibar kibar konuştuğum oda arkadaşıma Angara ağyızlan "LAN! SEN DE SALLANDIN MI LA???" dedim ya la. En azından götüm titreşti demedim. O da olabilirdi.
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