VaporwaveHistorian
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  • I let the voice in my head (old fighter pilot) chat with ChatGPT (instructed to be a wise man). Here's an excerpt:

    ChatGPT: I wonder, what would you say is the greatest lesson you've learned from your experiences—be it from the war, from the quiet moments in the woods, or from the changes in the world around you?

    Voice: In the war... you are not supposed to think of the "humanity" in the sense of Renaissance. You know, the *humanity* in everyone, something grand that is the base of all things on the earth, is it not? But the war, the very existence of war... it is against the very thing. Back then was the same, and today is the same and perhaps scarier with newly invented destruction methods! We are forgetting humanity. Even in the trenches, in the barracks; we would try to hold onto the last remainders of it. We were trying to enjoy the little time we had, the time that could run out unannounced. We were drinking, singing, toasting, playing cards, smoking, and chatting. Look at the world--you would expect things to be calmer after two Great Wars, but unfortunately...

    ChatGPT: What do you think is the greatest hope we can have in this world, given the reality we face today? How can we continue to hold onto what is truly human, despite everything that pulls us away from it?

    Voice: The greatest hope is life itself. Such a miracle--from nothing in the mother's womb to fully designed and fleshed bodies and souls. Look at it--is it not true that there is hope as long as there is life? The very creation of life is full of hopes and miracles. Is its course not? Look at the world... every single day, we face thousands of dangers and possible deaths that we are not aware of. Yet, we make it out alive without even noticing. There is hope, there are miracles, and there is life. Such a blessing, do you not think so?

    ChatGPT: How do you think we can honor this gift, this miracle, as we move forward?

    Voice: Well, the answer is simple: less stress, more pastries and good music. :)
    I happily told my therapist that no, I don't want to kill myself, I just have a long and perfectly operable plan to fake my death in another country in 4-6 years if needed. I really thought that it would ease her worries but she noted a LOT down that notebook.
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    The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook
    Friends, i drank with family outside at lunch and it hit me a lil hard, then we went to a bakery and it was cold outside but warm inside, and my mother was holding me by the arm because i am a cripple AND a drunk, and i saw gingerbeead houses so cute that i started laughing at the beauty of it all. My God, what curious creative creatures these lil humans are. I love humans. I fucking love the world. I wanna limp around laughing about the beauty of wveryrhing
    There's a dead bird in the grassy area by the building I stay. They assigned me to an inaccessible building, so I cannot use the stairs outside that normal people use. I go up and down the grassy area instead. No one else does. There's that dead bird for a month now. Only I know the dead bird. I pass by it every single day and I developed some kind of familiarity. Sympathy. Some kind of a gentle feeling for it. It rains on it. Snows on it. It's always there. No one knows. I am not disturbed at all. I feel sad for it sometimes. I think it fell off one of those nests in the trees nearby. I hope it didn't hurt too much. That's my friend now.

    Last night I was cutting a pomegranate. I found worms in it. I cut away the part with the worms and carried it outside. I put the worms on the soil to give them life. I didn't want them to be crushed in the trash.

    Living in nature makes me a calmer person. Sort of. It's the people in the building that drive me mad, but nature calms me down.
    Man I'm fucking my life up without meaning to. I haven't skipped my meds at all but this shit is HARD hard. I pick up on little things like wordings of a sentence, or my brain makes up patterns out of nowhere ("This person isn't talking to me as often as they used to, so they must hate me" etc). Then I fuck up my interactions and end up hurting them and myself. It's very serious. Every human interaction I have is guaranteed to go wrong if it exceeds 30 minutes a day (includes family members, best friends, etc).

    Man, if anyone can recommend me any books or articles or videos to fix this shit, I will be very thankful. I go to my therapist weekly, but I still manage to fuck shit up between two therapy visits :(
    RisingThumb
    RisingThumb
    The only person who can give a pattern significance is you. I don't know enough about you to know why you give it significance, it could be paranoia, fear, hatred, desire... etc. Usually your emotions and your physical sensations will shortcut to the significance you give it. You've also recognised that it gets worse with time. One thing that works for people with fears is something called exposure therapy. It's a kind of CBT where you gradually expose yourself to the stimulus that gives you those negative responses, and simply observe and feel that negative response, like how it makes your heart go fast, your mind gets fuzzy, you sweat, your breathing gets shorter, and you just give yourself some time to observe it.

    You can question it too and try to ask yourself how you rationalise it, but in my experience in the past, having used it myself for a few things... I think the best thing is to make the priority on just observing it because everything else you can do is very taxing on the mind especially if you won't be thinking straight. Since you have mentioned how it's a time-based thing, you can also try changing from acting on this feeling to just excusing yourself. The classic "I need to use the loo", among others works here. For those you trust very well such as family or close friends, it can also be helpful to tell them this is what you're doing, so they know not to push and to let you take some time.

    I would also suggest talking to your therapist about Exposure Therapy and asking them what they think and if it may be helpful for you. It's the main approach people tend to use for anxieties and fears, but I've found it useful for all negative emotions in general. Hopefully it'll help for you, you can look up more information on exposure therapy. Also... obligatory "I'm not a therapist" disclaimer
    RedRockWest
    RedRockWest
    If what you have is OCD-related then you need to somehow convince yourself that your anxiety and rumination are not indications of reality, just something you feel in a particular moment in time. Internalizing it would help with not being baited by yourself (at least not to an extreme extent).
    Honestly I don't know how exactly to do it, I think there is no one true way and each person finds their own, depending on personality, philosophy, beliefs, etc.
    VaporwaveHistorian
    VaporwaveHistorian
    Thank you everyone, I read it all and your responses are very helpful. I used to always try to distract myself but there's a certain point where you can't do that anymore. It's hard to know that most of my thoughts are not rooted in reality... speaking of which, doc will probably up my antipsychotics when I see her. Without meds, it's completely out of control. Meanwhile I just try to list down reasons of why people don't hate me, why they don't want to abandon me, etc. It sounds so much like BPD that it concerns me, that's another talk with my therapist in the next session. Next week, hypomania will settle down, so things will be better I hope.

    Thanks again, everyone <3 :)
    Been a while since I posted I think. I got some art to share and a thread to make at some point. Waiting for the depressive episode to end :peepoCryDrink:
    Exam today. The voices in my head do not cooperate with me sadly, but if I manage to convince them, we can do wonders at the exam. Sometimes they speak so nicely, their words aligned like the stars or pearls on a string. I write it all down, finish very quickly, then fuck off. Just aiming for that cooperation. But Caligula's a brat today (no offense to him but he's been insulting me a lot). C'mon.
    Svind
    Svind
    I wish more of my pupils were the schizoid types with voices in their heads which gave them the answers.

    I would see less empty papers, less chatter during the exam and they'd finish quick all at once!
    VaporwaveHistorian
    VaporwaveHistorian
    @Svind
    Sometimes they say all kinds of horrible shit. But sometimes the good ones emerge and the bad ones cooperate, and then everything is crystal clear!! I have times I can't tell the year, seriously, but the voices can help me write down the lineage and the history of the first dynasty of the Roman Empire. Something fits together like puzzle pieces sometimes, and when it all aligns, I am the luckiest. Honestly I am aiming to work in academia because I can't work any other things. I can't communicate with people in an office environment (tried, it was hard). But if I write papers all the time, read and take notes, and even teach (talking about something for hours while making it interesting), I can.
    jojo
    jojo
    Just came back home from exam I wasn't prepared for. I passed of course, not because I'm smart but because the professor had mercy on the lil poor me. Good luck on your exam
    Had an exam of an hour. I finished in around 15 mins and fucked off. Of course it was about Roman history. Professor looked at my paper, then at me, and laughed. That's one way to etch my name into his brain for the first time :) He told me that he'd have to call me to his office to read out my paper to him because of my handwriting. We laughed more.

    I love exam weeks. Skip classes, study, hallucinate from caffeine and the lack of sleep, then God's (symbolic) hand reaches you from the paper and you finish it in 15 mins and disappear.
    I was watching Meet the Romans with Mary Beard (Ep. 3), she talks about Roman marriage and shows a sarcophagus art, holding the hands of the couple, and look at this:
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    History is like that. You are witnessing the most intimate and loving memories of people from hundreds or thousands of years ago. It's like loving with every memory of their love, crying with every memory of their mourning, always witnessing how grand our humanity is :)
    I don't remember if I wrote about it before but my main handwriting is Old Roman Cursive now. It's smoother and hurts my hands less. It's also more legible compared to my old usual handwriting. I love this stuff. They'd write like this in personal letters or some of the graffiti on walls back in Ancient Rome. There are different personal styles (making it lean left or right, having more space or less between the letters, making the letters fuller etc). This is English btw, just written in Old Roman Cursive style since the letters are the same.
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    Hear this: I restarted antipsychotics on Sunday night. I took a full tablet. On the next day, Monday, I cut a tablet in half with a razor (the very razor that disappeared for an entire day and reappeared in my drawer). I took half. The other half, I took on Tuesday. On Wednesday, I cut a new tablet in half with a razor. I took half right afterwards, down my throat with water, and put the remaining half in my drawer.

    Today I opened the drawer and saw two halves. Brother, what the fuck. I also found a single strand of long hair trapped in my Bible. I do not have long hair. No one touches my belongings in the room, I hope.
    Professor gave a whole speech, 30 mins, about not using ChatGPT or paying people to do your work. She, in private, asked me to run my assignment through a plagiarism checker and send her the report. Because "some people are not writing like they speak, and I can tell".

    Ma'am, you cannot tell. I do not verbally communicate with human beings. And when I write, my language structure is largely shaped by early 20th century novels about the Roman Empire. And gay fiction. I can't believe this got me into the "academic integrity suspect list" in her brain. I have not used machinery to do the work for me. I eat one meal a day to cut down on costs, I have not paid anyone either!
    Insane lore recall: I was like 6 years old and I now know that I was gonna have a little sibling. It wasn't certain but my parents were trying (and hinting it by "You may have a lil sibling!", "I would love another child!" and the overheard "I saw we had another kid in my dream, and today I got so happy when I got the news".) I pieced that shit together now.

    It never happened. No lil siblings. Maybe I was the reason. Maybe I caused her to miscarry or abort. It was for the best, because God knows you shouldn't bring another victim into life while you're still abusing your youngest. Pretty sure the kiddo would die this way or another.
    Got a nice haircut. Fresh n stuff. It's a mix of backstreet jumper and American Johnny. It feels nice in the wind, no need to brush anymore, hell yeah
    I fucking love history books where the author doesn't give a shit about "sounding cool and formal" and talks like a lad at a coffeehouse. Like:

    "...Lydia... where coinage and gambling were both invented -perhaps simultaneously?- and of whose inhabitants Herodotus was to write: 'Except for the fact that they prostitute their daughters, the manners of the Lydians are much like our own.'"
    The Middle Sea, J. J. Norwich, Chapter 2 page 16.
    VaporwaveHistorian
    VaporwaveHistorian
    I'm reading excerpts for a class, from the second chapter, and it flows very nicely! By far one of the best readings ever!
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    Creechan12
    Creechan12
    reading a book for class called "Ringside Seat to a Revolution An Underground Cultural History of El Paso and Juárez 1893-1923" and it's told from the 1st person from the author's perspective, it's very casual talking about news papers or just revolutionary meetings, government programs and laws and the struggle between the two cities. and the causal first person makes the story a lot more easy to read.
    VaporwaveHistorian
    VaporwaveHistorian
    That's perfect. I never get the love for formal words in academia. Like, cmon, make it accessible for the general public, right? People don't have to suffer while reading your work!!
    Brother, you know how when we hit a low spot and we say "I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this anymore", yeah? Look, if you kill yourself, you are actually making sure that you ARE spending the rest of your life miserably. Because you end it without any possibility of things getting better. But if you survive, I guarantee that there will be at least one thing in this whole wide world that will come to you and make you feel profoundly happy, at least for a moment. And it will stay with you.
    Lads the depressive episode is here like clockwork. 2 months of this, 2 months of that. Missed 4 exams and my sleep schedule is shit. I'll be depending on the finals. Sometimes it's hard af. I know it will get better but oh God.

    Currently sitting at the staircase at 3 am to eat whatever canned food I've got. But I forced myself to take a walk today. Lasted 7 km, around 2 hours I believe. Up a hill. While going down, I looked at the path and the lights, and I was listening to Souvlaki Space Station. Things didn't feel as bad for a moment. I liked it.
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