2hu fanfiction by 12 year old Aral: Emo Meiling (Part 2)

I got up, wiped my eyes and started walking around, taking in the sights. I wanted to hang myself, but again, I remembered what Sakuya had said. It talked me out of suicide, and even, maybe the Yamaxanadu would choose to reincarnate me. I was getting closer to Moriya sanctuary when the light started going down. I then made a U-turn. The night was getting closer and Remilia would be furious at me once again if I wasn't home before dark.

I started running, just like I did when I was going to the Sanzu after arguing with Sakuya, faster and faster. When I got to the Misty Lake, I got tired, so I walked briskly to the manor. The sun wasn't yet set. I was on time. I pushed the heavy door and got back inside. Remilia was waiting for me, sitting calmly.

"I'm pleased that you held your word and did not come home late, Meiling" said the vampire, drinking the red tea that Sakuya had prepared her with love. Sakuya herself seemed to be better, like me, who was still hiding her profound sadness.

"I didn't want to anger you, Mistress", I bowed.

I had forgotten about my wrists. The wounds were still quite apparent.

"What are these? What's those marks on your arms?" asked Remilia with concern. "I was told you did these to yourself."
"Uh... yes, I did cut myself."
"It's not good, Meiling, you should stop. Flandre saw you on the balcony."

I felt the fear again. Sometimes, Mistress Remilia was scary. I was too scared to say something and anger her.

"I'll let you think about this. Sakuya also told me that you called her a crazy bitch before running away."
"She was going to choke me, her hand was on my throat. She was taking out her nerves on me and I exploded", I murmured with a shiver.
"Sakuya?" called the vampire.

My colleague came.

"Yes, Mistress?"
"Have you tried to strangle our gatekeeper? She told me about that hand on her throat and that you were ready to hold tighter..."
"Well, indeed, I did that, but I got mad because Meiling was putting herself down", Sakuya confessed.
"You shouldn't have done that. It could've killed her. Don't ever do that again, or else..."

When those two words, "or else", were heard anywhere in the sentence, but even moreso at the end of it, something awful was to be expected. I was worried for the maid.

Not long after, she let us go. I went back to my room and read some to distract myself. I had trouble focusing because of everything that was happening in my head and stressing me out so much. Reading felt good and relaxed me, but I wasn't hungry at all. I almost dreaded supper at this point. I just wanted to sleep, sleep, sleep... until I'd die if I had to, but I was so tired. My wounded arms hurt. Maybe I cut too deeply. But the physical pain was nothing compared to the mental pain I was dealing with.

When supper came, I sat not too far from Sakuya. Sometimes, I would glance at her, and she looked just as sad as I. What a goddamn idiot I had been.

As I said, I was not hungry at all. I was going to lose some weight, but... so be it. I just needed an excuse to leave the dining room. I thought for a bit, then found one.

"Meiling, why aren't you eating?" Remilia asked, visibly concerned about my lack of appetite.

I hoped that my little play would work. Lying was never a comfortable thing for me, but I needed to if I didn't want to go to bed feeling bloated and heavy.

"Oh, it's nothing, Mistress. I just feel... a bit unwell. I think I had one too many berries while walking."

I held on to my stomach to add a bit more drama. The others looked at me like at a leper, but at least, it looked like they were falling for it. Patchouli opened the doors.

"If you need to go to the bathroom, go", said Koakuma.

After something like fifteen minutes, pretending to feel nauseous, I jumped from my chair and ran to the toilet in the middle of the meal, kicking the door in the process. I heard them in the background. "She really seems to be sick", they would say, but it wasn't that important. I had to think while running. How would I skip the meal? I had to pretend I was throwing up, but I didn't know how to make the noise without actually making myself sick, which I didn't want to do.

I tried to make something fall into the toilet, but there was only that cleaning product Sakuya uses for the bathtub. I was in a world of shit. So I coughed a couple times, spat some saliva, and then flushed.

I had to come back to the dining room despite that. I ate a bit still, even if the smell felt offensive to me, and then went to take a warm shower. Not only did my wounds burn under the hot water, but looking at the state of my wrists, I thought that maybe, if I were to cut again, I'd have to cut less deeply. I just hoped that it wouldn't get infected. Besides, the one from the glass shard that had got lodged into my hand was horribly hurting. I had almost forgotten this one.

Back to my room, I sat on my bed. Alright, what was I gonna do tonight? I was no longer in the mood to read... practice some Tai Chi? No. I heard about something called "radio" in Gensokyo, but I didn't own the device that could transmit it. I went out on the balcony and put my arms on the rail, then breathed in the fresh nightly air. It was probably no warmer than eight degrees Celsius outside, which made the pain in my arms worse. Yet we were in spring.

I remembered, then, the exact sensation of pleasure I felt cutting myself. I was so free, so... liberated, it was so good, as long as I wasn't thinking about what I was doing! But now I found myself wondering how I was going to fight a potential intruder if there was going to be one, even though there are never any of them. Phew... what a misfortune.

In addition, I heard what was going on in the room next to mine: Koakuma was snoring horribly loudly and it was grating on my nerves. I hated that noise. Her window was right next to my balcony.

Suddenly, I felt a raindrop and clouds darkened the sky. Another raindrop. Then many. It was raining. After noticing I was going to get wet, I went back to my room, but thankfully I had reacted early enough not to get soaked.

I had already brushed my teeth, so I made myself cozy in my sheets. I was still cold however: I turned on the heating and closed my window, then went back to bed and turned off the ceiling light. Only the bedside was still on. I looked around this slightly messing room that was my room. Koakuma's snoring was annoying, but it wasn't preventing me from reading. Again, I took a look at my arms: the wounds were starting to heal, but they unfortunately were getting itchy. I started to think about my weight: I needed to be careful not to lose too much. I wasn't fat by any means, but I was worried about potentially becoming too thin from not eating.

I started to hum a song in my bed. A song from the other world... Reimu, at the Hakurei shrine, had shared it with me, as well as with Sanae. I liked the rhythm, even if it was a bit hard to follow. But at some point, even if I was trying hard to remain calm, and said to myself internally "relax girl, she's sleeping, that's why she snores, pretend she's not there and everything will be fine", I blew up. The last snoring sound I heard from Koakuma was the straw that broke the camel's back. I marked my page, took a deep breath, hit the wall and screamed "STOP! I WANT TO SLEEP!", then casually put my book back on the bedside table and turned off the light.

From my bed, I looked at the moon.. this beautiful grey-white ball in the dark sky. But then, someone opened my door. It was Patchouli. The corridor's light blinded me.

"Dammit, let me sleep!"
"Let me sleep too", grumbled the magician. "It's not Koakuma's fault that she snores, so stop hitting the walls and screeching, thank you!"

She closed behind herself. Screeching? Hitting the walls? I laughed. I did this only once. I wasn't smart, but she probably wasn't better than me, despite having so much knowledge.

In the morning, Sakuya didn't wake me up. I was still sleeping soundly and did not notice the daylight through my curtains as I was comfortably snuggled up to my pillows, almost lethargic. But soon, something roused me: Sakuya did come, albeit a little later than usual.

"Meiling, wake up."
"Don't worry, I'm already awake", I murmured. "Why are you so late?"
"Oh, nothing bad, just some stuff to talk over with Remilia. Patchouli and Koakuma said you woke them up in the middle of the night."
"I didn't want to wake them up. Koakuma was snoring like a duck crapping out a burning cat, it drove me nuts, so I did what I did. It's not my fault that Patchy is a light sleeper and that she sleeps in the same room as her pocket devil."
"Watch yourself though", Sakuya warned me, "because that could be an extra reason for Remilia to fire you."

I felt my blood pressure rise. Didn't she know Remilia was too attached to us to fire us? I wanted to tell her I had overheard our mistress's words, but didn't. I wasn't too keen on angering her like last time and actually getting strangled or knifed this time around.

Back to work after a very light lunch (that I did not finish), I suddenly felt worried about Sakuya. She wasn't going too well either... but why was I so worried? I didn't know. I checked that everyone was inside, then went for a walk. Not only Remilia was sleeping, if I got home early enough, she wouldn't notice a thing.

I nearly stumbled on a couple rocks while walking, and that's when another mishap happened. Hitting a rock on a slight slope, I fell and tumbled down a hole, hitting sometimes another rock or almost getting my eyes gouged out by thorns. Once I was down there, I got up painfully and dusted myself. I wasn't injured, except for a couple scratches here and there. But damn, was I in a world of shit again! Someone was surely going to realize I had slacked off again...

To distract myself, I decided to sing a little improvised song called Shanghai Teahouse or Chinese Tea, I don't remember. Probably out of tune, as I was a poor singer, but my voice was loud enough. I was quite literally screaming next to the manor, but didn't expect anyone to hear me from behind this huge red building...

"MEILING!" called out Sakuya. "Get back up there right now!"

I stopped screaming like an idiot and looked up.

"Hey, I just rolled down there!"
"You're gonna have a bad time..." she seethed.

My colleague got back down, brutally grabbed my arm and dragged me to Remilia. Oh crap, there we go again.


"Meiling, be really really careful. You're starting to become a burden for me. You're walking instead of guarding, before that you slept, are you seriously trying to get yourself fired? You don't know how to work..."

Remilia's words were hurting me. At my work, I felt that I was in a room too small for me and that I was looking for some fresh air, just to, once again, be threatened with being fired again, and have someone yell at me. I was trapped in something that would always backfire against me. I hated that. Sakuya was nice, but there were moments I hated her. She loved making fun of me and calling me China, and had this... disgusting way of acting like a friend to me, only to rat me out to Remilia at the slightest mistake. And I'm not talking about the brutality. I felt like a little mouse caught between five cats that would jump on me and eat me alive. Sakuya's knives just ended up in my forehead or... somewhere else way too many times anyway.

I was just so damn unlucky lately. Back to the gate, I sang my song again, the one I didn't decide on the title. I think it's going to be Chinese Tea. Sometimes the lyrics didn't rhyme, but I couldn't care less.

After a good ten minutes screaming like an idiot outside, I leaned back against the wall and sighed. Nothing, no one again. What a life. Yeah, maybe it was indeed time for me to go, but I couldn't leave Remilia without a gatekeeper, and Flandre loved piggyback rides. I turned back towards the wall and hit my head several times. I couldn't take this anymore. I was hurting. I just wanted to end it all, again. I cried, I let myself fall to my knees, and latched onto a pillar. Tried to dig my long nails into the bricks, but it wasn't possible. Why was I doing everything wrong? What was so wrong with me that I was bored by a job that was supposed to be mine? Why didn't Sakuya and Remilia get that maybe I needed more stimulation as opposed to just chill in front of a manor that no one goes to?

The world was erasing me.

Outside, of course, no one was around for the rest of the day. I felt weak as I went back inside. Maybe my body was asking for food, but my mind sure didn't. I weighed myself: I had lost two kilograms already. Not good. I promised myself to eat more, to not let myself starve, but... I would have to force myself a bit.

Tomorrow, maybe I'd have some fun instead of getting bored to death in front of the gate. I just needed to make sure no one would be going outside. It was hard though. Sakuya was a smart one and could snitch on me to Remilia, just like Flandre. Patchouli and Koakuma were almost always in the library. The main issues were really Flandre and Sakuya.

I couldn't do ANYTHING. Singing? "Shut up, Meiling." I have anything to say? "Shut up, China". I need some rest? "Get out, China, quick!" I couldn't even eat or sleep without being criticized!


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