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A catalogue of shitty, narcissistic delusions

redacted234

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INTRO
It's safe to say I'm currently a loser. 3x years old, unemployed "frontend" developer not looking for a job for almost a year and a half, cruising on a dwindling banana republic savings nest + the subsidy of my parents. Shouldn't add the detail but I'm bad at sex also, I cum fast to the point I never had succesful intercourse in my life.

In the darkness of my room: I think thoughts. Usual bullshit fantasies which I assume most people like me think. Self worth, movie trailer like, Walter Mitty kind of meanderings which don't correlate with the life I choose to live everyday.

I'm aware of these thoughts, fucking hate them, and don't want to have them. They still flow, from the core of my being into the viewport of my mind. And there they don't just play, they are enacted by me. My vocal chords muscles twich ever so slighty, and I vocalize the inner monologues over and over and over again. Life is passing, my skin gets old and dry, my face has old colored spots, and yet I'm still rehearsing a possible fight with an old ex gf which I just encountered in a club, spewing the real shit. Later in the night just as she is about to get mugged I save her beating some thugs and tell her to "just go", like if I were fucking Rurouni Kenshin.

Finding Keanu Reeves in an elevator and acting just like a normal guy, developing a deeper rapport than if I were just a shitty >redditcostanzayeahrightsmirk obsessed fan. "Nah it's ok I don't need the autograph, man". While I'm scrubbing the toilet on a saturday night.

Over and over and over.

As Judge Holden from Blood Meridian took notes of things to demistify them and put them in the domain of man (something like that, never read the book just some quotes on Goodreads), I'm writing here a list of all the excruciantingly useless fantasies that come to my head in the hopes that it will do the same: classify them, making them identifiable and break the chain.

I'm aware that I should try to steer my life so as for these thoughts to become redudant, useless. No.

Ok I'll start with these and keep adding them as they go. I'll also put calibrated fantasies, which is a way of compulsively mitigate delusions by thinking the more real outcome. They all come from self absorption.

UPWARD SOCIAL MOBILITY

Cultural oneliner-riddled hot debate:
Scenarios where I'm discussing with a vindictive feminist. So much brain power wasted, thinking comebacks and ways to save face in a public ritual humillation situation:
-A feminist friend I'm joking and discussing throws me a glass of water and I say "you know, your dyonisian caotic bouts of violence contrast with your old thirty year old body" All my friends go woooh! and remember that bit forever.
-Scenarios where a girl is trying to frame me for saying something bigoted in a tiktok video. I usually retort with "I was just saying that people should preemptively say they have herpes in a date and you took the phone out and started recording, perhaps is it because YOU HAVE HERPES????".

Employee of the month:
Pat in the head, mentoree, extremely submissive, japanese work to death, proving myself, "you did this all by yourself?" scenarios. Delusions where I'm resourceful. The one that does the job.

This is a nightmare, the instinct to mastership cajoled into doing extra work for implementing a feature for a Deloitte money laudering CRUD.
Is this the main driver of subcontracted overseas work?, brown people trying to appease some adderall middlemanager. Being a "ninja" or a "pirate".

Also I'm too old for this. At my age, I should be set in my way, not trying to impress someone. It's not that I can't humble myself to a younger person wiser than me but I'm not a kid with a "chip in my shoulder".

Tank Man-ning:
Scenarios where you act iconoclastic in a public demonstration trying to be the next RATM cover. I see this a lot in american protests. Going to a gathering in a tuxedo and picking a fight while smoking a cigarette trying to be captured for eternity. The ultimate Tinder profile pic.
- Once I imagined stopping some american raid in an middle east country by doing Jim Carrey's The Mask impromptu "THEY CALL ME CUBAN PETE! I'M THE KING OF THE RUMBA BIT" dance, hereby delaying a massacre. This is the most fucking obnoxious >redditcostanzayeahrightsmirk thing I've thought off I'm ashamed.
- Grabbing a person with an extremely contagious disease while no one wants to touch it [sic]. "Can someone get the fucking photo please??!" A middle of the action picture of me helping someone while everyone didn't have the guts to help.
- Stopping lynchings, fighting with people.

FAME/CELEBRITY

Not a Fan:
Acting just like "a normal guy" with a celebrity, developing a deeper rapport than if I were just a shitty >redditcostanzayeahrightsmirk obsessed fan. This comes in shitty variants usually being and computer desk employee or manager at a hotel and just treating a famous person normal.

The Chosen one:
Hans Zimmer Batman OST infused delusions about becoming Neo for every fucking endeavour you engage.

It becomes cringier the older you get. There shouldn't be anything wrong with trying new things but that oscar nominated movie trailer miasma exudes a deep fear of not being remembered and betrays the spontainety of what you're doing.

Got interested in dancing at age 30. Having nothing to do I dance fruity for hours on end in my underwear in the middle of the day while construction workers erect buildings around me. Everytime I do some painstakingly, small, shitty progress I stop to deluge in shitty fantasies about becoming the one that revolutionizes the fucking bachata scene of all things. Teaching the ways of life to younger students that I would take care not to fuck (and fail), being the "Patch Adams of dance" that doesn't take the art too seriously but still is one of the best.

How I would act if I were him:
Inpersonating a celebrity, and acting more down to earth, based. Scrolled by a thumbnail of Jeff Bezos in Zero Hedge, and went into a whole inner scene where I'm Jeff Bezos and say "You know guys I've just made a site to sell stuff, I actually don't need to live forever, this antiage stuff is not for me". Why??

PHYSICAL PROWESS

Animal Fighting:
Fighting lions, pumas.
- Lion: A baby falls in a zoo lion's pit. I jump into it
A) Walker Texas Ranger intimidate the lions to go back to their cage.
B) Run screaming at them african hunter style.
C) Get mauled but still saving the day. Tik Tok of me in the ER with the mandible dangling but just aware and calm sitting in a chair.
D) Kill a lion ripping his eye and suffocating it with my arm in it's throat like that real badass guy that actually killed a lion this way God how is that even possible.
- Lion: Same as above but this time it's a safari and I'm helping a tourist that fell off from a jeep.
- Puma trail hiking: YT/Tik Tok of me chasing away a puma in a hiking trail.
- Alligator: Doing that inmobilizing alligator from the back and mandible shutting thing.
- Puncturing a shark's eye.

Animal Fighting - calibrated:
- Jumping in the pit of lions, and trying to throw the baby out of it but the baby bounces in a wall and cracks it's skull while I'm getting killed.
- Jumping in a zoo cage with gorillas to save a child, which the gorillas were just friendly to begin with. But I fuck it up like in king kong and we both get ripped apart.

Based Inmigrant
Fantasies about being a based, civilization preserving, welcomed immigrant, usually in USA/Europe. Being trusted by American southeners, not catering to liberals. Not being a deracinated freeloader. Effectevily becoming the Patch Adams of inmigrants. Disgusting because 1) I don't even want to live in America/Europe. 2) I'm already a deracinated milennial freeloader in my own country. Examples:
- Defending girls in the subway/public transport from hobos situations.
- Active shooter defusing situation, getting a green card but still acting red pilled in interviews "Actually I read 4chan myself I don't think that's the issue with shooters".
- Being a real man in decaying liberal cities: Beating the shit out of a naked fentanyl addled rapist overlooked by the police. Becoming an "ethical druglord" in SF.

- Being a real man in decaying liberal cities (calibrated): Being intimidated to the verge of tears after refusing to break eye contact with a black man.

SEX/ROMANCE

Hospital stud:
Either a nurse taking care of me or a girl I've saved falls in love with me in the hospital after any of the physical prowess paths.

Girl shits in bed:
A girl that I like shits herself in bed just before fucking, temporarily lowering her standards. I quickly react and bride-carry her to the shower, asserting nonchalantly -at least after a hundred repeats in my mind- that it's OK. While she cleans herself, throw the bedsheets in the washer and open the windows for the smell to go.

What follows then it's me telling her that we should to keep going. Earlier iterations of this rumination had me swearing I won't tell anyone but I'm starting to find that too beta behavior. New versions of the fantasy have me being more horny and coercing, but in a way it makes her feel kinda desired. We end up fucking standing up while the washing machine runs, I cum prematurely but it doesn't matter.

Girl shits in bed (calibrated):
IT STILL MATTERS. IT STILL MATTERS THAT I CUM FAST. YOU FUCKING CUNT, YOU SHAT MY BED.

Slice of Life Manga Fan Fiction fantasies:
I'm falling out of love with japanese media. It doesn't help that I'm hooked up to a lot of shitty romance manga made by perverts with no experience with women whatsoever. Modern "Twitter manga" made for smartphones is even more insidious and attention soul sucking grabbing. They usually work by being platonic skinner boxes where the characters don't express their feelings and just dwelve in sexual tension for hundreds of chapters. Mangakas do this to assure themselves a livelihood but the stories end up being contrived and unrealistic.

Current SOL mangas currently reading:
- Please don't bully me Nagatoro - November 2017 - 14 volumes
- Boku No kokoro no yabai yatsu - March 2018 - 7 volumes
- My Divorced Crybaby Neighbour (this one sucks shit so bad I still click it please end)

I usually fantasize about the characters being more assertive and just going for it. I don't self insert, just imagine the guys being more manly. Can't you just fucking kiss?. Could have gotten an AWS certificate with the time wasted reading manga I don't want to keep reading this, Shinzo Abe should have destroyed the anime industry.

The irony is that these stories are about 16~ year olds, and I was a complete coward faggot at that age. I am still.
 
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Hey I think this is a sign to try to get your life together instead of cataloging your fantasies? I completely understand that you feel like you can't move past this, but it's never too late to try to walk to the right path. I know that sound super corny and to some degree dismissive of how you feel, but seriously bro... Although the road isn't easy, and you'll slip and fall and feel like you aren't making progress, hard work to a better future is honorable and something you should try to do, even if you feel like a clown. You can do it bro! :gigachad:
 

SolidStateSurvivor

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Girl shits in bed:
A girl that I like shits herself in bed just before fucking, temporarily lowering her standards. I quickly react and bride-carry her to the shower, asserting nonchalantly -at least after a hundred repeats in my mind- that it's OK. While she cleans herself, throw the bedsheets in the washer and open the windows for the smell to go.

What follows then it's me telling her that we should to keep going. Earlier iterations of this rumination had me swearing I won't tell anyone but I'm starting to find that too beta behavior. New versions of the fantasy have me being more horny and coercing, but in a way it makes her feel kinda desired. We end up fucking standing up while the washing machine runs, I cum prematurely but it doesn't matter.

Girl shits in bed (calibrated):
IT STILL MATTERS. IT STILL MATTERS THAT I CUM FAST. YOU FUCKING CUNT, YOU SHAT MY BED.
dafak.jpg
 
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№56

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Fantastic post. Absolutely insane, but well written and relatable. We need more posts like this one.
"Whosoever sharts without my knowledge sharts without my consent." - Da Judge
 
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Great post, I think your sort of fantasies are probably really common nowadays. I love to laugh at dumb romance mangas, but really you can derive really interesting metaphysics out of them. Have you read School Rumble? Pretty old manga at this point, but it's a hilarious high school romance parody that still holds up pretty well IMO. Also, we're currently reading Blood Meridian for our book club, in case you're interested. :NepWink:
 
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koreatis

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It is very relatable post. Even though I have completely different life, I have job and I can live by myself, I see myself as a weirdo human being that doesn't fit in in the society. It is so hard to live there outside. That's why in the end each day I have the thoughts as you mention. I create the bullshit fantasies about my life. I see it as some kind of copying mechanism but I have to say that the process became in some way the part of my life. What's worse is that I don't only think about the fantasies alone in my room into the darkness of the night but I also do it on when I meet new people or do new things instead of being focus and be present on the moment. I find it so mentally draining sometimes, like I can't participate in activities without any assumptions that my brain will go wander mode.
 

Indigo Wizard

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I have this kind of fantasy but with being funny in a hysterical, inflammatory way. I rush into some public space, possibly ith hundreds of people watching, and I act like an abject retard with a hidden genius streak, I yell racial slurs and get away with it because I jump from one irate display of bullshit to another, such that they can't even keep up in time to be outraged, or I just straight up act contrarian and autistic and drive them insane, pulling them down to my level, while at the same time impressing everyone by displaying signs of a secret wit and intellect, revealing that, although I am the sperg lord, I am also the genius autist, while I am the local freak, I am also an eccentric creator with more aptitude at art and creative writing than most. I run amidst lesser deviants, edgy goth artists and queer intellectual elites, and I put the edginess to shame with sheer depravity, and stupefy the intellectuals with my insane troll logic. I also scream and laugh hysterically a lot.
 
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Novem_IX

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OP, that was a very entertaining read. These are the kind of bizarre, uncomfortably-relatable ramblings that make the internet a place worth browsing.
You should write more. Transmute your fantasies into a completed work. Become the Bukowski of the internet age.
 
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L. Rhodes

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Great post; I couldn't imagine being able to freely reveal information like that online. Interesting to learn that you, x years my elder, fall for all the same vices which I spend much of my time in, as well. You seem to have a particularly negative view towards it because of your age, which I still have yet to develop. Other people ITT seem to relate as well.
At the moment, I usually see this type of desire as something that people think to themselves because they need contrast to motivate themselves to do better, or otherwise as a self-preparation for potential future edge case scenarios (you wouldn't want to end up in a big moment such as those, not having thought up any plan beforehand, would you?). What I'm saying is, I suppose that I have hope that I'll still be able to fulfill all of my dreams at some point, though most others reproach for this sort of fantasy.
So then, a question for all of those who relate to the post: did any of you have a similar line of reasoning to what I have right now? If so, did you just get tired of it at some point? Is there really no agency for me here to decide whether my fantasies are achievable or not, and I am instead destined to give up on them, because that's just what people do as they age? I've been looking for answers to similar questions for quite some time, so I see now to be a good time to ask.
 
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Great post; I couldn't imagine being able to freely reveal information like that online. Interesting to learn that you, x years my elder, fall for all the same vices which I spend much of my time in, as well. You seem to have a particularly negative view towards it because of your age, which I still have yet to develop. Other people ITT seem to relate as well.
At the moment, I usually see this type of desire as something that people think to themselves because they need contrast to motivate themselves to do better, or otherwise as a self-preparation for potential future edge case scenarios (you wouldn't want to end up in a big moment such as those, not having thought up any plan beforehand, would you?). What I'm saying is, I suppose that I have hope that I'll still be able to fulfill all of my dreams at some point, though most others reproach for this sort of fantasy.
So then, a question for all of those who relate to the post: did any of you have a similar line of reasoning to what I have right now? If so, did you just get tired of it at some point? Is there really no agency for me here to decide whether my fantasies are achievable or not, and I am instead destined to give up on them, because that's just what people do as they age? I've been looking for answers to similar questions for quite some time, so I see now to be a good time to ask.
I mean bro if your fantasy is to have a girl shit on your bed and then have hot steamy sex as she cleans her butt... Yeah, give up on that. On the other hand, you're probably talking about some of the fantasies of the grandeur OP mentioned. Well. Idk man. To desire power and validation is a sort of ultimate slavery, besides that, I'm gonna go >redditcostanzayeahrightsmirk and quote Disney's Treasure Planet.

'You give up a lot for a dream, is it really worth it?'

I guess I just don't have a high regard for personal dreams, especially those that are self-serving, which most dreams seem to be really. It's hard to find a person being like, oh my dream is to serve the poor and forgive the enemy, though such people do exist. Ironically enough, I think you are most free to pursue your dreams once you stop relying on them to be happy. But yeah this wasn't what you had in mind, you can count on happiness without dreams. I suppose it all comes down to how much intrinsic motivation you've got for doing something, but if you're counting on fantasy to keep you motivated, it may point to that desire being extrinsic rather than intrinsic, and good luck staying motivated when your primary driver is made out of extrinsic materials.

There's so much to say about this idea of dreams, but I hope I made some sense.
 
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handoferis

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why not shit your own bed and fireman carry yourself to the shower? problem solved my guy
 
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SolidStateSurvivor

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If you're willing to bang a desperate fat chick you could totally make it happen.
He'll need to pregame it and make sure their date night is at a Taco Bell or something...
 
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LostintheCycle

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Among the best posts I've seen for the brutal honesty that exposes not only yourself but everyone else. I know I have the same thing. A lot of the time I walk throught the shopping mall, the streets, I stand in the shower, I lay in my bed, and all the time I do those things I am somewhere else and I don't even realize until I reach where I'm meant to go (or I just fall asleep).
I also admit my fantasies are often of a similar nature, and are similarly ludicrous. Once I became aware of them I made a half-hearted attempt to catch myself out every time but as the days go on I forget and it becomes easier to retreat.
I wish you luck man.
 
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Kameraad

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Oh man, you surely are pathetic, but hey, the post was fun to read i'll give you that, don't lose hope, perhaps one day something good will happen to you, i guess.:marioStyle:
 
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mydadiscar

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Reminds me of my own fantasies...
 
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bnuungus

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holy fuck dude, unironically stop being a coomer anime addict. I do have to applaud you for revealing such deep personal info about yourself though bc I don't think I could ever do that and it's the first step in changing your life. It's clear you want to be a better person but that you have no actual goal on who you want to become. So I guess try to discern what parts of your fantasies actually correlate with something attainable in reality? chasing specific scenarios in general will never make you better person. the quiet badass you're describing never gets acknowledgment for the actions you laid out so stop chasing that fantasy bc it'll never give you the satisfaction you're looking for
 
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