redacted234
Traveler
- Joined
- Mar 20, 2022
- Messages
- 25
- Reaction score
- 58
- Awards
- 22
INTRO
It's safe to say I'm currently a loser. 3x years old, unemployed "frontend" developer not looking for a job for almost a year and a half, cruising on a dwindling banana republic savings nest + the subsidy of my parents. Shouldn't add the detail but I'm bad at sex also, I cum fast to the point I never had succesful intercourse in my life.
In the darkness of my room: I think thoughts. Usual bullshit fantasies which I assume most people like me think. Self worth, movie trailer like, Walter Mitty kind of meanderings which don't correlate with the life I choose to live everyday.
I'm aware of these thoughts, fucking hate them, and don't want to have them. They still flow, from the core of my being into the viewport of my mind. And there they don't just play, they are enacted by me. My vocal chords muscles twich ever so slighty, and I vocalize the inner monologues over and over and over again. Life is passing, my skin gets old and dry, my face has old colored spots, and yet I'm still rehearsing a possible fight with an old ex gf which I just encountered in a club, spewing the real shit. Later in the night just as she is about to get mugged I save her beating some thugs and tell her to "just go", like if I were fucking Rurouni Kenshin.
Finding Keanu Reeves in an elevator and acting just like a normal guy, developing a deeper rapport than if I were just a shitty >reddit obsessed fan. "Nah it's ok I don't need the autograph, man". While I'm scrubbing the toilet on a saturday night.
Over and over and over.
As Judge Holden from Blood Meridian took notes of things to demistify them and put them in the domain of man (something like that, never read the book just some quotes on Goodreads), I'm writing here a list of all the excruciantingly useless fantasies that come to my head in the hopes that it will do the same: classify them, making them identifiable and break the chain.
I'm aware that I should try to steer my life so as for these thoughts to become redudant, useless. No.
Ok I'll start with these and keep adding them as they go. I'll also put calibrated fantasies, which is a way of compulsively mitigate delusions by thinking the more real outcome. They all come from self absorption.
UPWARD SOCIAL MOBILITY
FAME/CELEBRITY
PHYSICAL PROWESS
SEX/ROMANCE
It's safe to say I'm currently a loser. 3x years old, unemployed "frontend" developer not looking for a job for almost a year and a half, cruising on a dwindling banana republic savings nest + the subsidy of my parents. Shouldn't add the detail but I'm bad at sex also, I cum fast to the point I never had succesful intercourse in my life.
In the darkness of my room: I think thoughts. Usual bullshit fantasies which I assume most people like me think. Self worth, movie trailer like, Walter Mitty kind of meanderings which don't correlate with the life I choose to live everyday.
I'm aware of these thoughts, fucking hate them, and don't want to have them. They still flow, from the core of my being into the viewport of my mind. And there they don't just play, they are enacted by me. My vocal chords muscles twich ever so slighty, and I vocalize the inner monologues over and over and over again. Life is passing, my skin gets old and dry, my face has old colored spots, and yet I'm still rehearsing a possible fight with an old ex gf which I just encountered in a club, spewing the real shit. Later in the night just as she is about to get mugged I save her beating some thugs and tell her to "just go", like if I were fucking Rurouni Kenshin.
Finding Keanu Reeves in an elevator and acting just like a normal guy, developing a deeper rapport than if I were just a shitty >reddit obsessed fan. "Nah it's ok I don't need the autograph, man". While I'm scrubbing the toilet on a saturday night.
Over and over and over.
As Judge Holden from Blood Meridian took notes of things to demistify them and put them in the domain of man (something like that, never read the book just some quotes on Goodreads), I'm writing here a list of all the excruciantingly useless fantasies that come to my head in the hopes that it will do the same: classify them, making them identifiable and break the chain.
I'm aware that I should try to steer my life so as for these thoughts to become redudant, useless. No.
Ok I'll start with these and keep adding them as they go. I'll also put calibrated fantasies, which is a way of compulsively mitigate delusions by thinking the more real outcome. They all come from self absorption.
UPWARD SOCIAL MOBILITY
Cultural oneliner-riddled hot debate:
Scenarios where I'm discussing with a vindictive feminist. So much brain power wasted, thinking comebacks and ways to save face in a public ritual humillation situation:
-A feminist friend I'm joking and discussing throws me a glass of water and I say "you know, your dyonisian caotic bouts of violence contrast with your old thirty year old body" All my friends go woooh! and remember that bit forever.
-Scenarios where a girl is trying to frame me for saying something bigoted in a tiktok video. I usually retort with "I was just saying that people should preemptively say they have herpes in a date and you took the phone out and started recording, perhaps is it because YOU HAVE HERPES????".
Employee of the month:
Pat in the head, mentoree, extremely submissive, japanese work to death, proving myself, "you did this all by yourself?" scenarios. Delusions where I'm resourceful. The one that does the job.
This is a nightmare, the instinct to mastership cajoled into doing extra work for implementing a feature for a Deloitte money laudering CRUD.
Is this the main driver of subcontracted overseas work?, brown people trying to appease some adderall middlemanager. Being a "ninja" or a "pirate".
Also I'm too old for this. At my age, I should be set in my way, not trying to impress someone. It's not that I can't humble myself to a younger person wiser than me but I'm not a kid with a "chip in my shoulder".
Tank Man-ning:
Scenarios where you act iconoclastic in a public demonstration trying to be the next RATM cover. I see this a lot in american protests. Going to a gathering in a tuxedo and picking a fight while smoking a cigarette trying to be captured for eternity. The ultimate Tinder profile pic.
- Once I imagined stopping some american raid in an middle east country by doing Jim Carrey's The Mask impromptu "THEY CALL ME CUBAN PETE! I'M THE KING OF THE RUMBA BIT" dance, hereby delaying a massacre. This is the most fucking obnoxious >reddit thing I've thought off I'm ashamed.
- Grabbing a person with an extremely contagious disease while no one wants to touch it [sic]. "Can someone get the fucking photo please??!" A middle of the action picture of me helping someone while everyone didn't have the guts to help.
- Stopping lynchings, fighting with people.
Scenarios where I'm discussing with a vindictive feminist. So much brain power wasted, thinking comebacks and ways to save face in a public ritual humillation situation:
-A feminist friend I'm joking and discussing throws me a glass of water and I say "you know, your dyonisian caotic bouts of violence contrast with your old thirty year old body" All my friends go woooh! and remember that bit forever.
-Scenarios where a girl is trying to frame me for saying something bigoted in a tiktok video. I usually retort with "I was just saying that people should preemptively say they have herpes in a date and you took the phone out and started recording, perhaps is it because YOU HAVE HERPES????".
Employee of the month:
Pat in the head, mentoree, extremely submissive, japanese work to death, proving myself, "you did this all by yourself?" scenarios. Delusions where I'm resourceful. The one that does the job.
This is a nightmare, the instinct to mastership cajoled into doing extra work for implementing a feature for a Deloitte money laudering CRUD.
Is this the main driver of subcontracted overseas work?, brown people trying to appease some adderall middlemanager. Being a "ninja" or a "pirate".
Also I'm too old for this. At my age, I should be set in my way, not trying to impress someone. It's not that I can't humble myself to a younger person wiser than me but I'm not a kid with a "chip in my shoulder".
Tank Man-ning:
Scenarios where you act iconoclastic in a public demonstration trying to be the next RATM cover. I see this a lot in american protests. Going to a gathering in a tuxedo and picking a fight while smoking a cigarette trying to be captured for eternity. The ultimate Tinder profile pic.
- Once I imagined stopping some american raid in an middle east country by doing Jim Carrey's The Mask impromptu "THEY CALL ME CUBAN PETE! I'M THE KING OF THE RUMBA BIT" dance, hereby delaying a massacre. This is the most fucking obnoxious >reddit thing I've thought off I'm ashamed.
- Grabbing a person with an extremely contagious disease while no one wants to touch it [sic]. "Can someone get the fucking photo please??!" A middle of the action picture of me helping someone while everyone didn't have the guts to help.
- Stopping lynchings, fighting with people.
FAME/CELEBRITY
Not a Fan:
Acting just like "a normal guy" with a celebrity, developing a deeper rapport than if I were just a shitty >reddit obsessed fan. This comes in shitty variants usually being and computer desk employee or manager at a hotel and just treating a famous person normal.
The Chosen one:
Hans Zimmer Batman OST infused delusions about becoming Neo for every fucking endeavour you engage.
It becomes cringier the older you get. There shouldn't be anything wrong with trying new things but that oscar nominated movie trailer miasma exudes a deep fear of not being remembered and betrays the spontainety of what you're doing.
Got interested in dancing at age 30. Having nothing to do I dance fruity for hours on end in my underwear in the middle of the day while construction workers erect buildings around me. Everytime I do some painstakingly, small, shitty progress I stop to deluge in shitty fantasies about becoming the one that revolutionizes the fucking bachata scene of all things. Teaching the ways of life to younger students that I would take care not to fuck (and fail), being the "Patch Adams of dance" that doesn't take the art too seriously but still is one of the best.
How I would act if I were him:
Inpersonating a celebrity, and acting more down to earth, based. Scrolled by a thumbnail of Jeff Bezos in Zero Hedge, and went into a whole inner scene where I'm Jeff Bezos and say "You know guys I've just made a site to sell stuff, I actually don't need to live forever, this antiage stuff is not for me". Why??
Acting just like "a normal guy" with a celebrity, developing a deeper rapport than if I were just a shitty >reddit obsessed fan. This comes in shitty variants usually being and computer desk employee or manager at a hotel and just treating a famous person normal.
The Chosen one:
Hans Zimmer Batman OST infused delusions about becoming Neo for every fucking endeavour you engage.
It becomes cringier the older you get. There shouldn't be anything wrong with trying new things but that oscar nominated movie trailer miasma exudes a deep fear of not being remembered and betrays the spontainety of what you're doing.
Got interested in dancing at age 30. Having nothing to do I dance fruity for hours on end in my underwear in the middle of the day while construction workers erect buildings around me. Everytime I do some painstakingly, small, shitty progress I stop to deluge in shitty fantasies about becoming the one that revolutionizes the fucking bachata scene of all things. Teaching the ways of life to younger students that I would take care not to fuck (and fail), being the "Patch Adams of dance" that doesn't take the art too seriously but still is one of the best.
How I would act if I were him:
Inpersonating a celebrity, and acting more down to earth, based. Scrolled by a thumbnail of Jeff Bezos in Zero Hedge, and went into a whole inner scene where I'm Jeff Bezos and say "You know guys I've just made a site to sell stuff, I actually don't need to live forever, this antiage stuff is not for me". Why??
PHYSICAL PROWESS
Animal Fighting:
Fighting lions, pumas.
- Lion: A baby falls in a zoo lion's pit. I jump into it
A) Walker Texas Ranger intimidate the lions to go back to their cage.
B) Run screaming at them african hunter style.
C) Get mauled but still saving the day. Tik Tok of me in the ER with the mandible dangling but just aware and calm sitting in a chair.
D) Kill a lion ripping his eye and suffocating it with my arm in it's throat like that real badass guy that actually killed a lion this way God how is that even possible.
- Lion: Same as above but this time it's a safari and I'm helping a tourist that fell off from a jeep.
- Puma trail hiking: YT/Tik Tok of me chasing away a puma in a hiking trail.
- Alligator: Doing that inmobilizing alligator from the back and mandible shutting thing.
- Puncturing a shark's eye.
Animal Fighting - calibrated:
- Jumping in the pit of lions, and trying to throw the baby out of it but the baby bounces in a wall and cracks it's skull while I'm getting killed.
- Jumping in a zoo cage with gorillas to save a child, which the gorillas were just friendly to begin with. But I fuck it up like in king kong and we both get ripped apart.
Based Inmigrant
Fantasies about being a based, civilization preserving, welcomed immigrant, usually in USA/Europe. Being trusted by American southeners, not catering to liberals. Not being a deracinated freeloader. Effectevily becoming the Patch Adams of inmigrants. Disgusting because 1) I don't even want to live in America/Europe. 2) I'm already a deracinated milennial freeloader in my own country. Examples:
- Defending girls in the subway/public transport from hobos situations.
- Active shooter defusing situation, getting a green card but still acting red pilled in interviews "Actually I read 4chan myself I don't think that's the issue with shooters".
- Being a real man in decaying liberal cities: Beating the shit out of a naked fentanyl addled rapist overlooked by the police. Becoming an "ethical druglord" in SF.
- Being a real man in decaying liberal cities (calibrated): Being intimidated to the verge of tears after refusing to break eye contact with a black man.
Fighting lions, pumas.
- Lion: A baby falls in a zoo lion's pit. I jump into it
A) Walker Texas Ranger intimidate the lions to go back to their cage.
B) Run screaming at them african hunter style.
C) Get mauled but still saving the day. Tik Tok of me in the ER with the mandible dangling but just aware and calm sitting in a chair.
D) Kill a lion ripping his eye and suffocating it with my arm in it's throat like that real badass guy that actually killed a lion this way God how is that even possible.
- Lion: Same as above but this time it's a safari and I'm helping a tourist that fell off from a jeep.
- Puma trail hiking: YT/Tik Tok of me chasing away a puma in a hiking trail.
- Alligator: Doing that inmobilizing alligator from the back and mandible shutting thing.
- Puncturing a shark's eye.
Animal Fighting - calibrated:
- Jumping in the pit of lions, and trying to throw the baby out of it but the baby bounces in a wall and cracks it's skull while I'm getting killed.
- Jumping in a zoo cage with gorillas to save a child, which the gorillas were just friendly to begin with. But I fuck it up like in king kong and we both get ripped apart.
Based Inmigrant
Fantasies about being a based, civilization preserving, welcomed immigrant, usually in USA/Europe. Being trusted by American southeners, not catering to liberals. Not being a deracinated freeloader. Effectevily becoming the Patch Adams of inmigrants. Disgusting because 1) I don't even want to live in America/Europe. 2) I'm already a deracinated milennial freeloader in my own country. Examples:
- Defending girls in the subway/public transport from hobos situations.
- Active shooter defusing situation, getting a green card but still acting red pilled in interviews "Actually I read 4chan myself I don't think that's the issue with shooters".
- Being a real man in decaying liberal cities: Beating the shit out of a naked fentanyl addled rapist overlooked by the police. Becoming an "ethical druglord" in SF.
- Being a real man in decaying liberal cities (calibrated): Being intimidated to the verge of tears after refusing to break eye contact with a black man.
SEX/ROMANCE
Hospital stud:
Either a nurse taking care of me or a girl I've saved falls in love with me in the hospital after any of the physical prowess paths.
Girl shits in bed:
A girl that I like shits herself in bed just before fucking, temporarily lowering her standards. I quickly react and bride-carry her to the shower, asserting nonchalantly -at least after a hundred repeats in my mind- that it's OK. While she cleans herself, throw the bedsheets in the washer and open the windows for the smell to go.
What follows then it's me telling her that we should to keep going. Earlier iterations of this rumination had me swearing I won't tell anyone but I'm starting to find that too beta behavior. New versions of the fantasy have me being more horny and coercing, but in a way it makes her feel kinda desired. We end up fucking standing up while the washing machine runs, I cum prematurely but it doesn't matter.
Girl shits in bed (calibrated):
IT STILL MATTERS. IT STILL MATTERS THAT I CUM FAST. YOU FUCKING CUNT, YOU SHAT MY BED.
Slice of Life Manga Fan Fiction fantasies:
I'm falling out of love with japanese media. It doesn't help that I'm hooked up to a lot of shitty romance manga made by perverts with no experience with women whatsoever. Modern "Twitter manga" made for smartphones is even more insidious and attention soul sucking grabbing. They usually work by being platonic skinner boxes where the characters don't express their feelings and just dwelve in sexual tension for hundreds of chapters. Mangakas do this to assure themselves a livelihood but the stories end up being contrived and unrealistic.
Current SOL mangas currently reading:
- Please don't bully me Nagatoro - November 2017 - 14 volumes
- Boku No kokoro no yabai yatsu - March 2018 - 7 volumes
- My Divorced Crybaby Neighbour (this one sucks shit so bad I still click it please end)
I usually fantasize about the characters being more assertive and just going for it. I don't self insert, just imagine the guys being more manly. Can't you just fucking kiss?. Could have gotten an AWS certificate with the time wasted reading manga I don't want to keep reading this, Shinzo Abe should have destroyed the anime industry.
The irony is that these stories are about 16~ year olds, and I was a complete coward faggot at that age. I am still.
Either a nurse taking care of me or a girl I've saved falls in love with me in the hospital after any of the physical prowess paths.
Girl shits in bed:
A girl that I like shits herself in bed just before fucking, temporarily lowering her standards. I quickly react and bride-carry her to the shower, asserting nonchalantly -at least after a hundred repeats in my mind- that it's OK. While she cleans herself, throw the bedsheets in the washer and open the windows for the smell to go.
What follows then it's me telling her that we should to keep going. Earlier iterations of this rumination had me swearing I won't tell anyone but I'm starting to find that too beta behavior. New versions of the fantasy have me being more horny and coercing, but in a way it makes her feel kinda desired. We end up fucking standing up while the washing machine runs, I cum prematurely but it doesn't matter.
Girl shits in bed (calibrated):
IT STILL MATTERS. IT STILL MATTERS THAT I CUM FAST. YOU FUCKING CUNT, YOU SHAT MY BED.
Slice of Life Manga Fan Fiction fantasies:
I'm falling out of love with japanese media. It doesn't help that I'm hooked up to a lot of shitty romance manga made by perverts with no experience with women whatsoever. Modern "Twitter manga" made for smartphones is even more insidious and attention soul sucking grabbing. They usually work by being platonic skinner boxes where the characters don't express their feelings and just dwelve in sexual tension for hundreds of chapters. Mangakas do this to assure themselves a livelihood but the stories end up being contrived and unrealistic.
Current SOL mangas currently reading:
- Please don't bully me Nagatoro - November 2017 - 14 volumes
- Boku No kokoro no yabai yatsu - March 2018 - 7 volumes
- My Divorced Crybaby Neighbour (this one sucks shit so bad I still click it please end)
I usually fantasize about the characters being more assertive and just going for it. I don't self insert, just imagine the guys being more manly. Can't you just fucking kiss?. Could have gotten an AWS certificate with the time wasted reading manga I don't want to keep reading this, Shinzo Abe should have destroyed the anime industry.
The irony is that these stories are about 16~ year olds, and I was a complete coward faggot at that age. I am still.
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