What's new

b0redom magazine: How to be an Internet Badass by Argus

:drinkBleach:This E-zine/Textfile was originally written on November 2000 :drinkBleach:
hackerman.gif

Screen Shot 2021-01-05 at 11.05.41 AM.png

So you're bored, and your physical appearance isn't exactly helping your social life? You need a way to feed your ego without having to go outside (you know, where "they" are), or getting off your fat ass? Why not become an internet badass?

Benefits of becoming an internet badass:
- Cyber/Phone sex
- Elevated Ego
- Semi-loyal Followers
- ereet h4x0r status without all the trouble of learning computing.

With this program (formally known as the GrimZ method) you too can become an internet badass.

================ Part I: IRC ================

First off you must begin with IRC, and an introduction. When joining your 1st network, talk about your "old network" and comment frequently about what an established badass you are there. When you are asked why you left simply reply with "I got sick of all the bullshit" or "t00 many fucking lamers" Be sure to use plenty of profanity, and replace the letter "o" with zero whenever possible. More on leet speak later.

Your first task is to discover a common enemy. Someone disliked on the network. Usually one of the more strict IRCops. Talk about how "(s)he hates me."

Discuss your coding prowess in obscure languages, confident that no one in the channel(s) in which you are speaking knows them and will call you on it. If someone ever does call you on it, talk down to them and explain how easy it is to learn, and that all you need is a book on the language(s) in question, without actually demonstrating any real knowledge of the language. ALWAYS claim to know c/c++ but be very vague as to actual code and syntax.

It is also a good idea to learn either mIRC or pirch scripting. They are both very easy to learn, and are impressive to those who do not wish to learn. Make scripts for people to improve your social ranking on the network.

Do not help just anyone however, only help those who are IRCops or have Ops (+o) in popular channels, or channels you wish to be in. If a script you send someone doesn't work (which happens frequently to the internet badass) either become frustrated and say "fuck it I'm going back to c/c++!!!" or the ever popular "it works for me, you must have fucked it up somehow"

====================== Part II: Additude ======================

It is very important to talk down to others to increase your social ranking. Target newbies, especially java users and people who do not speak english.

Whenever addressing anyone with a higher social ranking, act as if you are a peer, and even slightly superior. Higher ranking internet badasses can smell fear and hesitation.

Talk loud and often. Express your opinions as obnoxiously and as often as possible. This will make you seem knowledgeable, at least for a time. By the time you are exposed as a moron, you will have too many followers backing you up, and therefore, your word often goes unchallenged.

Whenever anyone discusses their accomplishments in anything you claim to have knowledge of, state that you are "way past that shit", and begin to reminisce about your fictional
experiences.

Example:
"I remember the first time I wrote my own operating system.. god that must have
been back in 92' on my old 386. It was the shit back in the day."


Whenever someone approves of an application/OS/etc talk about your fictional experiences with said item, and why you stopped using it, in as vague a manner possible.

Example:
"Yeah I tried slack but it was stupid. Slow as shit and lots of bugs. Red Hat is
much better."


Take special note to the above example. All popular (un patched) operating systems are "full of bugs" to some extent. Although it is stated that "Red hat is better" there is no real mention as to how or why. Vague generalizations allow knowledgeable users to fill in the gaps on their own, and newbies to be impressed by your "skillz".

======================== Part III: Followers ========================

Every true internet badass develops followers. A small contingency of newbies whom you take under your wing and use it to build your own ego. When they ask for your help ALWAYS as to see their code. This allows you to learn better methods for developing scripts/what have you, by examining the code of those actually willing to learn, while appearing to be the all knowing the guru they expect.

Steal code/architecture often. In time you will become competent enough to steal functions/ideas and writing them out in such a way that it appears to be your own. In time you may learn the language simply through osmosis.

Always claim that everyone else copied you, unless of course, they are one of your followers.

Followers are what makes being an internet badass worthwhile. People to boost your ego and do your bidding. People to steal from, lie to, and above all else, talk down to.

======================== Park IV: Leet Speak ========================

The true internet badass never spells words correctly. Instead he uses a pseudo-hacker form of communication known as "leet speak". This involves misspelling every word possible, while maintaining phonetic accuracy.

Example:
"DiS stuph iz fukin st00pid."

Leet speak is used for 2 reasons:

1. It makes the badass in question seem more like a "1337 h4x0r"

2. It masks the often lacking intelligence and literacy skills of your average internet badass. (Interesting that some who thrive in a text based medium can barely spell their
own name.)


==================================== Part V: The obligatory FBI bust ====================================

Every internet badass manufactures street cred by telling the story of his fictional arrest/questioning by the FBI/CIA/NSA and narrowly avoided imprisonment. Usually revolving around some extremely vague account of them "hacking" someone, usually a military or ISP target.

Begin by telling your story to many newbies, so that they can back you up later when questioned by more knowledgeable users.

================ Conclusion ================

Congratulations! If you followed the easy steps in this text, you are well on your way to becoming an internet badass. Enjoy your new found popularity, and make use of it while you can. You will be questioned. You will be exposed. You will be owned. It's all just a matter of time....
 

Similar threads

Macintosh Cafe.FM
Help Users
    CognacDefender: