Cripple Guide to Disguise: How to Limp Your Way Out of Trouble

Salutations my fellow vaporwave enthusiasts, chaos creators, and both at the same time.

I think many of you gents are able-bodied. However, I just know that I can't be the only cripple here. I had been thinking about how you able-bodied lads have the upper hand in getting away with chaos and shit. That's why I have come up with a lot of methods on how to fuck shit up as a cripple and get away with it -or something like that. Godspeed.

A note: If any of you are offended by my usage of the word "cripple", just let it go. I'm a cripple, I call myself what I want.

Behold: Cripple Guide to Disguise.

Posting this in esoteric because it can go hand-in-hand with conspiracies or whatever. I might have fucked it up, though. Anyway, whatever. This guide is for in case you are getting gang stalked or you just want to put up some extra layer of irl protection or whatever.

Cerebral Palsy Diversity GIF by Cerebral Palsy Alliance Research Foundation

So you want to fuck shit up...​

Congratulations little anarchist.

Remember that one of the most important points is to disguise yourself well. Shit like covering up tattoos or your easily identifiable stuff like your bright dyed hair or something. And, as if we were not already fucked by life itself, we have a greater chance to be fucked by the cops or whatever because of our physical disabilities. If your physical disability is invisible, like chronic pain without an aid, you're lucky. But if you are using an aid like a mobility aid, gripping aid, hearing aid, white cane, bandages, compression gloves, service dogs... follow this guide. Let's start with the easy ones.

White cane: Have a friend to help you either on your way to chaos (a protest or whatever) or back. I don't know much about white canes, but I know that at least some of them are foldable (if not all). Get a folding one and take it with you. Either use it on your way to chaos, fold it up and hide it on your back and rely on a friend... or get a friend's help on your way to chaos, and use the white cane on the way back. Or, you can have multiple white canes. You can even paint or decorate them, take them both, and confuse people by switching them during the day. Combine it with a clothing disguise. Ta-da!

Service dog: You can simply leave your dog home on some days. Or hand it to your friend for a short walk, and meet them elsewhere safe. If you cannot do without your dog, rely on dog clothing.

Gripping aid: Put it in your bag at times. Sometimes wear it during the day, sometimes don't. It's wiser to hide your grip strength levels sometimes. To confuse people, you can sometimes act like your grip is even weaker. Someone is suspecting you? Look, man. People are already ableist as fuck and they think we are babies who can be nothing in life. There's no harm playing to that narrative if it'll keep you out of suspicion. Act like you are a helpless person. Drop stuff on the ground. Have the sad face. Act like you are touching lava when you grip door handles. I myself have a weak grip and can't hold a spoon at times. You can play that shit to your advantage and be the "innocent cripple who can never think of anything bad :(". It's probably something psychological as the mind associates weak grip strength with babies, therefore innocence. Play that shit.

Hearing aid: Look bro, I have a deaf cousin. Lad simply enjoys his silent time when he runs out of battery. Take the aids off and refuse to communicate with people if it's gonna help ya. You can read lips or communicate using sign language? Nope, act like you don't. Break the communication barrier and be the innocent cripple in their narrative. Act like you don't fucking have a single fucking clue about what they are talking about. They write shit on a paper and ask you stuff? Act like you've never heard of it. As I'm saying, a lot of people think physical disabilities are accompanied by mental disabilities as well. They'll leave you alone if you aren't quick to understand. And boy, never be quick to understand when it's cops or somethin'.

Bandages: Carry some with you, even if you don't need them. Wrap em around your arms or hands or legs or whatever, then limp or something. Congrats, you are far more crippled than you were before. If you are using bandages, take them off sometimes. Confuse them. Change the place of them. Change the color. I'm pretty sure they have different ones. I have dark brown and beige that I use interchangeably.

Compression gloves: For my arthritis or chronic hand pain lads... switch to bandages for a while or ditch the compression gloves. You can put them in your bag for half the day, and take them out randomly and wear them on the other half. Or, combine it all with the shit above and give yourself a persona. One day you are the able-bodied-looking person who uses no visible aids. Another day you have bandages around your arms and legs, you are limping, and you have compression gloves. Wear different clothes as well and boom, here you are. Two different people at once.

Mobility aids: There are many fucking mobility aids so I'll write them down one by one.

Cane: Ol' faithful. Own more than one cane, I am serious. Especially invest in folding ones. Carry more than one folding cane during the day and switch them. Switch the hand you're using. Hell, even use it wrong, okay? Change your walking gait fully. Make your limp worse. Lean forward like an old lady. Also, change the height of your cane. Normally, the handle of your cane should be around your wrist's length when it is dangling. Make it higher. It's gonna give you wrist ache, but we are mastering the art of disguise. My grandma had been using a high af cane for 2 fucking years before I corrected it for her. She's fine. Also, have different handle types. Some look like candy canes. Some are straight. Shit like that. Just experiment. Also, have distinct styles. I have a "pretty" cane, and I have a "manly" cane. I'll also mention dressing up in drag later on -have no shame and Godspeed.

Forearm crutch: Buy double crutches. Decorate them with different shit. Use only one sometimes. Sometimes two. I have stickers on my forearm crutch. I cover it up with tape, LED lights, and literal Christmas decorations when it's winter. If you get used to the method, it's easy to take off. Change your gait, change your hand, shit in cane section still applies.

Walkers: Ah yeah, those fuckers. They are hard to fold, hard to hide, and make such a loud sound. At least mine does. I put up a bike basket in its front and I fill random stuff there. An actual potted plant, for example. I'm not saying put a potted plant, but you can use the basket for your own good. Put up a basket, put some removable decorations (like those fluffy glittery fuckers you put on trees), and when the time comes just stuff them in your backpack so you have a clean walker. Change your gait, change its height, and change your method of walking. If your walker has wheels, sometimes use them and sometimes don't. You know, put the walker forward and walk as if it doesn't have wheels. Or, just drag it on the ground as you walk (even if it doesn't have wheels. It will just make a horrible screeching sound and you can ignore it and act like you are just an innocent cripple who sadly makes so much sound and isn't aware of that). And oh, walkers are the best. They help you walk very fast if you put your whole weight on them. But also they look like old lady devices. Act the innocent crip narrative and walk so damn slow if you ever need it.

Wheelchair: I'm not a wheelchair user yet. However, what I've seen was people have multiple wheelchairs sometimes. Buy a cheap one, like the hospital ones that are hard to self-propel. You might ask a friend for some help on some days when you need a disguise. And use your normal one on the other days. Or, if you are an ambulatory wheelchair user (that is, you don't need to use it full-time); switch between mobility aids. Also remember to play the innocent crip façade. Hell, you can even put up a hat over your eyes and park somewhere as if you're an old lady taking a nap or some shit. You can ask for help from random people, too. Use your innocent voice, talk slow and as if you're in distress, say that you are lost or in pain and you need some assistance or whatever. You can do that with cops too lol. And you can decorate your wheelchair, by the way. I say don't stick to permanent shit. Crochet, knitting, or removable cloth stuff is always a good choice for all of the mobility aids above.

CRIPPLE PERSONAS​

Relief for you, my lads: People will always be uncomfortable of your presence. It is because you are a disabled person. People are uncomfortable because you exist next to them. They will either stare at you and find you weird no matter how well-dressed you are, or they will simply look away and see anything n everything but you. 95% of my experiences with humans go this way. The other 5%? They are my professors, friends I've known before my mobility aids, and some family members. This means that they will probably remember a cripple, but not a human. They will remember your aids, but not you as a human. I've seen many people stare at my fucking cane, but never my fucking face. Change the aid, some clothes... boom, you're another person.

What a way to use the inevitable dehumanization, no? I know it sounds harsh, especially if you're a newly disabled person. However, I'm just saying that shit happens. Yes, our bodies are shit. Yes, our lives are shit because of society. But here are our secrets to use some stuff to our advantage. It'll never be as satisfying as not feeling pain or not struggling to get to somewhere because some ugly motherfucker decided to put a stone step and not a ramp, but remember the fact that able-bodied people never know how it feels to hit people with a cane. Cheer on.

Back to the shit: The number of people who are willing to see you as a capable human is very, very low. However, the more you put on the elegant look, the more you make people think that you are only temporarily disabled. Remember: physical disabilities are subconsciously associated with a lack of proper human attitude in people's brains. The more "human" you appear&interact with people, the more they are likely to remember you as "injured" and not "crippled". Master the art of this as well, mixed with your voice tone and sentences to put on your "extremely crippled" or "oh I just injured my foot" façade.

Let's go.

1-CRIPPLEST CRIPPLE CRIPPIE​

Look, man. I'll be honest. I have mastered the art of cripple personas just because I am lazy.

On some days, I of course want to look cool. But sometimes it's the 8 AM lecture and I am only up at 7:45... so I put on the tired cripple look and no one gives a shit. No one ever dares to think "Oh, what the fuck is this man doing?" They just think that I am more crippled than ever or something. It's true that chronic illnesses fluctuate, yes. Some days I use a walker and some days a cane is enough. However, you don't always have to "stay true" to how you are feeling. Wear fucking pajamas to the morning lecture on your best day, put a hood on, limp harder and hold on to the walls as you walk -no one can stop you. Go to the fucking grocery store in your striped pajamas, your messy hair, and let your legs tremble as you try to pull open the cold beverages fridge door open. Whatever. Just be the cripplest crip. One-foot-in-grave look. I-think-I-am-dead face.

Even better? Take your meds with you. Take them in front of people or something. I always use anti-acids because I fucking need them... but it's true that I sometimes use them because they taste like mint and I have run out of chewing gum. Of course you can't use every med like that, but my anti-acids work that way. Brand name: Rennie.

Another tip: Let yourself fucking struggle. You don't have to put on a strong look as you try to stop your arm from twitching, for example. Let your muscles twitch, let your legs shake, let your balance fuck up. Be a weak motherfucker and enjoy it, because you deserve to rest sometimes. You never know how much energy "trying to look normal" consumes until you let it go.

Change your tone. As if you have sore throat. Or do the sleepy voice. Speak softly. Slur over words. Repeat your words. Act confused. Ask for help here and there. Be the innocent cripple, I'm saying!

For fun, bonus: You never know how fun it is to bump into things with your mobility aids. Kick shit with your cane. Hit stuff with your walker. One time I hit the feet of people standing in my path. I had the cripplest cripple look that day and they said nothing. They thought I was unable to communicate, probably. They opened the path up for me, all silently. Able-bodied will never know the joy of hitting dozens of people with a long stick and getting away with it, even receiving apologies, you know.

salad fingers wheelchair GIF by David Firth


2-I AM NEWLY INJURED AND IT IS HELL​

You have newly injured yourself and your doctor handed you a pair of crutches/cane/walker/wheelchair. "Doc, I don't know how to use this!" and you get "You'll get used to it."

It takes time, it really does. Took me so long to make sure that I was stepping with the right foot while using my cane. Even now, I find myself checking it in case I'm confused enough to mix it up.

You know what? Mix it up. Drop your mobility aids by accident. Act like your wheelchair is as hard to use as those fucking shopping carts. Complain. Complain to random people. Able-bodied motherfuckers complain as if it's the end of the world even when they have the slightest injury, I swear (no offense, lads). Motherfuckers have a little ankle injury and spend a week crying over shit like "Ah I was planning to walk and now this happened, oh I injured myself bad, oh I fell there I cannot believe it, can you believe how much it hurts, oh I cannot wait to get rid of this cane" kind of shit. They complain to anyone, even to the fucking barista. Act like those fucking able-bodied crybabies and do that shit.

I sometimes do it for fun. You have no idea how many people randomly start convos with my disability. You are a cashier in a city that I have never been to before, sir. Your first sentence upon seeing me shouldn't be "Is it a spinal problem?". Or, my dear sir in my hometown whom I have never met before, you simply wouldn't ask "It's a surgery, no?" while I pay for a piece of sewing fabric. You simply don't say "Get well soon, broke it?" as the last words upon exiting a shared elevator, dear ma'am whom I have never seen in my life before or after that moment. What do I do? I agree with everything. I sometimes make stories up. Yes, I fell from the roof. Yes, I broke it. Yes, I bent it while playing football. For serious shit: Yes, a cyst in my brain. Yes, my nerves don't work properly. Just make up all the stories and get into details: I was out for a short walk, it was snowy and icy but I didn't have a coat because it was supposed to be a short smoking break, then I slipped and fell on my leg AND my arm (combine it with a bandaged arm for best effect).

homer simpson pain GIF

3-I AM INJURED, BUT I AM BETTER!​

Smile like a motherfucker. Works the best if you're an ambulatory mobility aid user.

The truth with mobility aid users is that many of them are able to do things without their aids. A lot of able-bodied people don't know that. I don't use a cane in the house. I sometimes hold on to the walls. But even without that, I don't lose balance often because I know where shit is, I know the exact environment and how to use it to my advantage. A lot of mobility aid users are also able to go on short walks without anything needed. It will, however, in most cases cause painful aftermath. However, when needed, in places you know, you can ditch your mobility aids for a short while. You can even use it as a trick. Go out with your friend to a café or something and ditch your cane for a while, walk in a circle or two, smile and cheer "Look, I am getting better! Doc says I'll get rid of the cane in a week or two!".
Im Fine Law And Order Svu GIF by ION

4-SOME OF US ARE LIKE THAT, IT'S FINE​

"Sometimes life happens," with a smile. That's what I tell people in this façade when they ask me what happened. Then I change the subject to something normal.

I wear perfect clothes. Hell, I wear a suit and wear nice cologne. I take my motions slow and delicate. I put on the businessman face. I smile kindly and act cooperatively with people. I help people, sometimes initiate conversations. I act like a normal human, you can say. Little jokes, small talk. I tell ya, a lot of people aren't used to talking to cripples. They ignore us most of the time haha. That's why this façade actually surprised a few people before.

I become the "You know, he uses a walker but he is... normal. Like, I mean, he had unfortunate health things but he is coping well." Those fuckers think that coping well is just dressing well and not falling down often. Play that façade to your advantage. I know that it is messed up because those things don't make us any better in terms of health, but this is just a façade. You have every right to be annoyed, I know. Just handle that for a while. Don't mess it up.

Speeding Joaquin Phoenix GIF by Amazon Studios

5-I AM SORRY, I ACCIDENTALLY CREATED CHAOS​

The look of "It's hard living like this, but I promise I am trying" thing. A lot of people who are just newly disabled or newly diagnosed with chronic illnesses will live through this phase. This time, we're making it into a façade.

You might want to apologize for everything. You might think that it is the worst thing ever. You might want to exert your limits. You might want to "be better". You might want to "exceed yourself".

This is a tiring one. Just know that your abilities don't define your worth. As a historian, I can say that ancient humans very much cared for the disabled. You are worthy. It's just the modern human that is being a bitch. You matter.

Just for the façade, put this on with the innocent attitude. "I could never do anything disruptive or horrible, it's just I'm not used to this and I forget things and might trip people with my cane but it's by accident, and it was because of my neurological confusion when I accidentally walked with the protest because I thought there was a celebration there and you know I'm just trying to get home, I never meant anything bad, I'm just so tired :(((("
shirt pain GIF by South Park

6-SORRY IS FOR THE WEAK, I AM A MENACE​

This is me.

A lot of people simply stare at me. I stare back. You can also smack them with your cane, but it doesn't work well if you're young. Old people can smack shit and get away with it easier. You need to put on a "confused, childish, innocent cripple" façade for the smack to be ignorable.

But, this is straight-up menace. You are the chaos itself.

Kick doors open because your "hands are full, holding a cane with a hand and a bag with the other is hard". Have a permanent frown. Move fast and don't care about your limp. Walking gaits tend to get worse when you try to walk faster. Give no fucks, simply rely on your aids. It will look threatening. Something subconscious, probably gotten worse with the zombie movies and shit. Walk like a zombie, literally. Limp like them. Just be as threatening as possible. You can even stare at people, continue staring even after they stop looking at you.

This is so much fun, by the way. They will probably think that you are one of the "dangerous cripples" and won't mess with you because they'd think that you won't be responsible of your actions under the law or something. It's as if you have some personality disorders or anger issues on top of your physical disability.

Nice, isn't it?
angry cobie smulders GIF by NETFLIX

7-I AM ABLE-BODIED! I AM ABLE-BODIED! UH, SORT OF​

This works only for some people. If you have a few friends and you can ditch your mobility aid for a while, that's it.

Hold on to your friends. Pressing on their shoulders or holding on to their waists with extra support will work like crutches. Have them support you. I have an amazing friend who has memorized my walking gait, and assists me just perfectly. It will most likely look like you are drunk, and that's what you are going for. You might, in some cases, even look somehow able-bodied. You all might look drunk. You all might look like old friends catching up. You can even fold your cane, or have your friends hold your mobility aids (or put them in their bags or whatever) for this, therefore aiding with your in-day disguise.
crutches GIF
vodka GIF


They all work the best with different clothes, hats, and styles. I even do drag at times to assist with this. Sometimes I might compile another guide with the help of a friend for basic drag for disguise purposes: how to look female as a man, or how to look male as a woman, or how to appear indecipherable. I am heavily paranoid and this has only assisted me in having different personas.


So, my fellow disabled gents, best of luck. If you have any questions, go ahead. I wrote this late at night with heavy tiredness, so I might have skipped a few things. Let me know if anything arises.

I'm not even going to proofread this shit.

Godspeed.
 

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