I feel like this is one of my autism moments, but hey this board is a license to vent so I might as well get it off from my chest.
I'm really sad for how language works, or rather how people think language works. That sounds abstract and confusing. I'll try to explain.
I've been trying to fit in a discord server, and even to me it's a mystery why I want to fit in so much. They said words that really hurt me. What hurts the most is that they probably didn't think twice about it and have forgotten all about it. Maybe I want to fit in in there because for a while I felt like I belonged, and thus I felt lied to and betrayed when they said those things about me. Maybe it's because I wanna prove to myself that what those people said about me is wrong. I want to show that I'm nice and friendly, and then maybe I would feel more human. I feel so alienated, like I'm some sort of secret psychopath because why else would I feel so rejected everywhere I go.
Now, what happened to me and how bad I feel about this is not their fault, just to be clear. I don't think they had any intention to hurt me, and it feels like blaming others instead of yourself is a good strategy to not feel any guilt. Somehow I feel like I need guilt.
Oh yeah. This was supposed to be a post about language.
So it was a weekend and I an attempt to spark casual chatter, I typed in the general chat 'This server is weirdly quiet on the weekends haha'. Then I got a message by one of the mods warning me that my message was not very considerate, nice or friendly, and that I should know better that people are busy on the weekends and that they have important things going on in their lives.Like I was implying people who don't chat on the weekends are some sort of bad. And I felt completely retarded after the fact. Like did I say something wrong, did I hurt people (again). It felt like some sort of accidental gaslighting, I started to doubt my intentions in sending the message, like maybe I had secret intentions and actually meant harm with my words? I asked some friends about it and they assured me it was just the mods being thin skinned.
You always read poets and writers reflect on the fact that humans are irrational and even mostly irrational. And you get it, because you know tons of irrational people. But then it happens to you, you feel overly emotional and nonsensical about something that, judged by any rational means, is totally stupid, and words can't quite capture the gibberish of your emotions and when something can't be put into words, you feel like it's not really there, like it's a product of your childish imagination so you shouldn't care about it.
I laughed it all off and told myself like I were praying that I didn't care about it. But fuck it I care a lot.
Anyways, I tried to apologize to the mod and told him the usual I didn't mean nothing by it. He said that even if I had no Ill intent, I still hurt people and there was some implied blameworthiness on my part for that. I think I lowkey gave up after that. I wanted to never utter or write another word ever again. I lost my temper and told him that I interpreted his message (Your words hurt people even if you don't mean no harm) as incredibly hurtful. Then, like thirty minutes later after a short 'victory' glass of water I prayed and then apologized to the moderator for being so passive aggressive. It's always like I don't know what I want like I was part of some cringey, so bad it's good life-drama.
I feel like I can't communicate. I know. You reading this, hopefully you understand what I'm saying and if you do, then it shows that I know how to communicate. But words are not that great at showing how a person feels or what he really thinks. Sort of like, I might be making all of this up and this post is a huge troll and you have no way of knowing. Then there's the issue that words hurt, words hurt even if you don't mean to. People may be islands and words have to sail on a shipment cargo through a hurricane of bias and personal nonsense and God knows what part of the shipment will arrive in the end.
I think when we pray, for those who are into that, God maybe understands the intentions behind our words rather than the words themselves. But I don't know. I'm probably saying some heresy and I'm not even aware of it, even if I didn't mean nothing by it. Of course the definition of heresy includes the fact that you have to willfully go against teaching.
Unironically, did I do something wrong? I can't stop arguing with myself about it like an old lady. The problem is I don't know. If I knew I'd at least feel guilt or not, and feeling guilt is better than not knowing. I'm really afraid the posmos were right and language is a huge power-construction and there's nothing to do but accept the game of language and be at the whims of what others want your words to mean. And if they want to paint your words as something evil, then who are you to question power.
At the end, I sort of said fuck it and stopped trying to fit in. There is now an open-for-rent apartment in my head. I feel saddened by it, because I feel defeated. Like I admitted that I am what they painted me as. Maybe.
Also, I'm not a victim here. The mods didn't mean nothing by their words. I'm just trying to express my emotional confusion into words. It feels good to put things into words.