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Hall of Adversities - A place to vent about your current or long time struggles

Max Chill

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I started this thread for you, Agora-frens, to have a dedicated spot to tell, share, or vent about the struggles you faced, or are facing. Perhaps even a place for others to gain insights from the experiences of other. Feel free to type as long as you'd like it to be...

...the glass need not to overflow, we're listening.


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Guitar for the soul:

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nHxyced7xQw&t=188s
 
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Max Chill

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I'll start...

August of 2022 was supposed to be the month where I'd be doing my projects, especially designing more for the tshirt merch I planned to sell; almost an entire month of a break and I already saw it as a good time to focus on what I want to do. But Max got sick, spent a week and a half worrying and taking care of him after; responsibilities in the house did a good job timing itself when I was sorting things so I have to do my part there, there's only so much manpower in our home to make sure our household doesn't fall apart.

I tell myself God designed that I be the eldest cause my father would be working abroad thanks to the unrewarding economic climate in the Philippines, I'm the eldest and the man to fill the gap in our home in the absence of our father. I won't lie, it's not easy, it's not fun, it subtly deals pain. Back then I'd usually end up blaming something else on whatever hardship I'm under, now it's just "No use whining, just do it man."

I shut myself off social media, apart from meme acquisition raids of course, cause that is a one good place to spawn illusions that you're not moving forward in life and, if unchecked, can give false peer pressures. I've subconsciously been invalidating myself whenever my mind speaks "I wish I had time so I can focus on my passions.", in fear that I might loose the initiative in fulfilling my duties in my family hence why I've been quite inactive in making designs. I've become more and more family oriented these past few months, all thanks to my disillusionment with the society and the cost of modernity.

But in all that I came to a crossroads of realizing that it's twice the challenge in wanting two things that are known to clash. It's as if I'm finally knowing how my father feels right now, wanting to do what he likes but has to sacrifice that and his time with us in order to support the family. Mom will always say that there are a lot of things that I should be grateful for, but shit being a man is already a pain in itself.

I guess it all boils down to two things:
Me wishing I had more time to allocate with my passion, and me wishing I still have enough energy after all the duties I have to do.
 
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PizzaW0lf

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My vent. This is going to be kinda emotional:

WHY ARE CORPORATIONS SO CORRUPT AND CONTINUOUSLY IGNORE THEIR PROBLEMS AND INSTEAD FOCUS ON CRAP NO ONE ASKED (VIRTUE SIGNALLING)?!?! WE SEE PAST THAT CLEAR AS DAY!!!

AND WHY DO THE ELITES FAIL TO UNDERSTAND OUR PAIN!?!?!?!? HOW ARE THEY THIS OUT OF TOUCH????

and my final vent,

FOR THE LOVE OF FUDGE CAN THE APOCALYPSE JUST START ALREADY!??!?!


View: https://youtu.be/CQ9Bc5L6T4I



I could go more into detail but that's all I had to vent for now.
 
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SpheralBloom

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This has been messing me up for a while. I don't know where else to put this. I'm embarrassed/ashamed of it but who cares.

At some point during the war in Ukraine, all of the men in that country aged 18-60 were prohibited from leaving. They weren't forced into combat, but they couldn't leave. But women and children could. It was heartbreaking to watch that happen. I watched a video of a father crying as he was holding his daughter, not knowing if it was for the last time or not. It made me sick to my stomach.

What made it worse was that so much of the media focused on female refugees and very little of it covered the men that were denied to be with their families. People are so desensitized to men being killed, but at the same time are very concerned for women's well-being. I tried talking about it with my mom, and she said that men are supposed to protect/die for women since they're the ones that get pregnant, and are weaker on average. I remember wanting to cry my eyes out, because that meant that my life was less valuable to the world by default. Hearing that from my own mom was something else. On top of this, I have really bad depression, which made those feelings 10x worse. I would have suicidal thoughts pretty much every day. I felt that I would rather die than live my life with this realization. It was like I was drowning.

Unsurprisingly, I fell into a deep depression. When I would look at my female friends, I'd feel as if I wasn't as worthy of living as them because of my gender. I would imagine all of these scenarios where someone had the choice between saving my life or a girl's, and I couldn't realistically imagine them going for me. It filled me with such dread. I don't want to die. I want to be safe too. I want to be protected. I want to feel like my life is valued by the world. I don't want to feel obligated to die for someone else just because I'm a dude. Expecting that out of every man you see is just stupid.

I looked it up and it's actually a phenomenon called Male Disposability. The fact that there's a name for it makes me feel a bit better.

I hope I didn't sound too much like an incel lol. Now you know why I was embarrassed.
I'm not the best writer so sorry if this was confusing to read.

TLDR//People are more okay with men dying than women, and that makes me feel like my life is worthless.
 
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Andy Kaufman

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I just want to be loved
 
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Andy Kaufman

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This has been messing me up for a while. I don't know where else to put this. I'm embarrassed/ashamed of it but who cares.

At some point during the war in Ukraine, all of the men in that country aged 18-60 were prohibited from leaving. They weren't forced into combat, but they couldn't leave. But women and children could. It was heartbreaking to watch that happen. I watched a video of a father crying as he was holding his daughter, not knowing if it was for the last time or not. It made me sick to my stomach.

What made it worse was that so much of the media focused on female refugees and very little of it covered the men that were denied to be with their families. People are so desensitized to men being killed, but at the same time are very concerned for women's well-being. I tried talking about it with my mom, and she said that men are supposed to protect/die for women since they're the ones that get pregnant, and are weaker on average. I remember wanting to cry my eyes out, because that meant that my life was less valuable to the world by default. Hearing that from my own mom was something else. On top of this, I have really bad depression, which made those feelings 10x worse. I would have suicidal thoughts pretty much every day. I felt that I would rather die than live my life with this realization. It was like I was drowning.

Unsurprisingly, I fell into a deep depression. When I would look at my female friends, I'd feel as if I wasn't as worthy of living as them because of my gender. I would imagine all of these scenarios where someone had the choice between saving my life or a girl's, and I couldn't realistically imagine them going for me. It filled me with such dread. I don't want to die. I want to be safe too. I want to be protected. I want to feel like my life is valued by the world. I don't want to feel obligated to die for someone else just because I'm a dude. Expecting that out of every man you see is just stupid.

I looked it up and it's actually a phenomenon called Male Disposability. The fact that there's a name for it makes me feel a bit better.

I hope I didn't sound too much like an incel lol. Now you know why I was embarrassed.
I'm not the best writer so sorry if this was confusing to read.

TLDR//People are more okay with men dying than women, and that makes me feel like my life is worthless.
Accepting this is unfortunately just part of becoming a man, I think.
I blame most of it on our biology and how our brains evolved. Scientists can look at a human's genes from today and see that about of 90% of all women that ever lived procreated, with men it's only 40%.
That means that 60% of men are expendable and probably always have been. Expendable for women but also expendable for other men.
What's so unfair about it is that if you complain about this nature of things you're just appearing weak and move yourself into the 60%. The only winning move is to play this game and become strong if you want love. that's just our lot in life.


View: https://youtu.be/4E9cU28rr_o
 
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bnuungus

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I have a co-worker who's office is right next to mine and he has this Windows 7 that I'm pretty sure has a crypto mining virus on it because I found one on our shared hard drive and his computer is so slow it takes him 15 mins to open a pdf (I'm not joking) and an entire day to index 4 emails on outlook (also not joking). So instead of acquiring a functional computer he'll just go on some of the most vile cursing rants mankind has ever seen and while funny to witness the first couple times it gets old really really quick. There was even one time where he was seriously looking into getting a new computer and he found some $4000 laptop which he justified getting because apparently soldiworks needs the full force of a modern gaming laptop to run before he did a complete 180 and bought a $160 craptop instead which lasted for all of about a week and now he's back to his old POS crypto virus computer. It just pisses me off sometimes.

This same person will often come up to me and call me retarded and that I have no common sense about stuff that I literally just did not do and every single time he does this I tell him it wasn't me and he just keeps coming back and blaming me for shit I didn't do. Guy treats me like a verbal punching bag even though I'm one of the few people in this company that's actually nice to him. I try not to let it get to me (because honestly IDGAF about what people think) but it's still not fun to go through.

Also my feels go out to all of you. I hope things get better
 
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SpheralBloom

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Accepting this is unfortunately just part of becoming a man, I think.
I blame most of it on our biology and how our brains evolved. Scientists can look at a human's genes from today and see that about of 90% of all women that ever lived procreated, with men it's only 40%.
That means that 60% of men are expendable and probably always have been. Expendable for women but also expendable for other men.
What's so unfair about it is that if you complain about this nature of things you're just appearing weak and move yourself into the 60%. The only winning move is to play this game and become strong if you want love. that's just our lot in life.


View: https://youtu.be/4E9cU28rr_o

Sadly, yeah. I guess that's the reality of things. I just wish this was brought up more. It doesn't seem like something that should be accepted as normal in the modern day.
Thanks for agreeing that its not fair.
 
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Max Chill

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I looked it up and it's actually a phenomenon called Male Disposability.
Man I never knew it had a word for that. The more you learn.
Accepting this is unfortunately just part of becoming a man, I think.
I blame most of it on our biology and how our brains evolved. Scientists can look at a human's genes from today and see that about of 90% of all women that ever lived procreated, with men it's only 40%.
That means that 60% of men are expendable and probably always have been. Expendable for women but also expendable for other men.
What's so unfair about it is that if you complain about this nature of things you're just appearing weak and move yourself into the 60%.
Andy's right about the complaining part, simply the same as how I go by with the "No use whining, just do it man." However I'd like to supplement this further.

Trying to belong in the 40% just for the sake of being in the 40% is just as NPC as anything that could be NPC-ish. Climbing to the favorable sector of the statistics with little to no meaning is just as empty as being in the 60%.

The only winning move is to play this game and become strong if you want love. that's just our lot in life.
It will always be a game if you want to procreate just to procreate, without a meaning or purpose all of that can be washed away once the cogs of routine stutter or halt some point in your life, then you'll start asking why you're doing all this. But to be strong is indeed paramount; you being strong enough to be able to hate the game and not the player, strong enough to go build yourself before you enter the fray. But turn it into a lifelong quest to build a family you can dedicate your life to and there you'll find the fulfillment of man.

Hearkening back to that meme I frequently see about men having two sides: 1.) The desire to fight with his comrades and die for a good cause; 2.) To be in the arms of a woman who you can fully trust with your emotions. Andy so profoundly demonstrated the 2nd part effortlessly for us, as seen below:
I just want to be loved

I hope I didn't sound too preachy. I avoid saying stuff that's too long these days in fear that I'm likely not credible enough to say things about certain topics :peepoComfyBlanket:
 
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zalaz alaza

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Scored a fantastic vintage down sofa with beautifully printed fabric the other day. Came with a slip cover too. now the slip cover is on it in order to protect it but it doesnt look so gorgeous anymore. No idea how to deal w this dilemma seriously need some suggestions
 
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Max Chill

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Scored a fantastic vintage down sofa with beautifully printed fabric the other day. Came with a slip cover too. now the slip cover is on it in order to protect it but it doesnt look so gorgeous anymore. No idea how to deal w this dilemma seriously need some suggestions
Is the slip cover removable? We have slip covers too but that's cause our sofa is so old, we had to just mask it. Maybe just remove the slip covers when you have visitors so you can show off the design, then put it back on for daily uses. Or vice versa lol
 
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ECHETLAEUS

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I just want to be loved
Same situation, im not lacking from love, and im not lacking from girls but im searching for something special, i dont want casual love, no more mediocricity, i want a comrade, a soulmate ,a teammate, a partner, no casual seggs, love, eros, someone to understand both our souls and our needs, no more drama or mediocre cryouts or complaining and fighting, meditating together and make eachother even better. Everything will come at the right time
 
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shinobu

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Very specific, but I have a Databases exam that's holding my other exams "hostage", because I can't seem to be ready to take it. You see, the exam is purely practical exercises (no theory questions) and we covered like 20-25 algorithms in class to deal with normal forms, functional dependencies, concurrent transaction management, deductive database updates, etc.
So basically I have to know how to do them all to be able to have a chance at tackling the 5-6 exercises, and while the theory isn't a problem, somehow I can't seem to get the procedures to stick (it's a series of steps to solve some problem like "take a set of functional dependencies and turn it into a decomposition that respects the 3rd normal form while preserving dependencies and respecting lossless joins")
It's the last exam left to complete my 2nd year's work and I'm now halfway through my 3rd year's classes, but the exams I need to take are piling up (right now I have 3 to do, and with this semester's classes some more will be added to the list).

Anyway, it's pretty annoying so I'm trying to find out what I need to focus on to get the minimal passing grade and just move on with it.
It's not a life threatening problem but it is a big roadblock.
 
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manpaint

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A big issue I have with my life is with my ears. I have some defiency that makes me hear way more sounds than I should.

This means the following:

I can't work in most workplaces
I can't go to the cinema
I can't go to concerts
I can't be in the presence of dogs
I can't be in the presence of children
I can't listen to most music.

This pure psychological torture. I feel like I am punished for some great sin I am not even aware of. It hurts. The sounds never stops. They only get louder every day...
 

Walk in the Rain

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A big issue I have with my life is with my ears. I have some defiency that makes me hear way more sounds than I should.

This means the following:

I can't work in most workplaces
I can't go to the cinema
I can't go to concerts
I can't be in the presence of dogs
I can't be in the presence of children
I can't listen to most music.

This pure psychological torture. I feel like I am punished for some great sin I am not even aware of. It hurts. The sounds never stops. They only get louder every day...
That sounds really rough... I'm sorry to hear that. I wish I knew what to say to people like you at moments like this, I'm tired of having to say I'm sorry and say I'll pray and not have any actual useful advice. I think having someone to sympathize with you helps, in real life it helps. Online? I guess its better than nothing. Something sort of useful I can say to you is, don't let your suffering be in vain, become worthy of your suffering if that makes any sense. I hope you can overcome this psychological torture in some way...
 
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manpaint

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That sounds really rough... I'm sorry to hear that. I wish I knew what to say to people like you at moments like this, I'm tired of having to say I'm sorry and say I'll pray and not have any actual useful advice. I think having someone to sympathize with you helps, in real life it helps. Online? I guess its better than nothing. Something sort of useful I can say to you is, don't let your suffering be in vain, become worthy of your suffering if that makes any sense. I hope you can overcome this psychological torture in some way...
Thanks for the kind words. Yeah it's really rough... Most people think I am overreacting but it really hurts.

A year ago, I started studying in graphic design. I wanted to work at this really nice design compagny that is my town. I had good relation with them as I did a first internship there during my high school days.

Had the end of our study, we had to do an intenrship at a compagny of our choice. I naturally went back to that local compagny, hoping to get end up with an actual job.

What was once a quiet workplace became a very loud one when I was studying. The compagnies bought three big machines that make a lot of noises. I had headaches everyday during my second internship. I quickly realized that I had to put this dream in the trash.

What hurt the most was seeing how sucessful my other classmate have been. At the very end of that course, we had to make a presentation about our internship. Every students aside from me were hired that the place they did their internship. All of them aside from me.

To this day, I still have no job. I tried alternative to seek alternative compagnies, but it is a very crowded sector and there is not much job available. What was probably my only chance is probably gone.

It hurts. I have been a NEET for nearly a year now. I am going to try to look for a job soon but things aren't looking good...
 

Shantotto

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Thanks for the kind words. Yeah it's really rough... Most people think I am overreacting but it really hurts.

A year ago, I started studying in graphic design. I wanted to work at this really nice design compagny that is my town. I had good relation with them as I did a first internship there during my high school days.

Had the end of our study, we had to do an intenrship at a compagny of our choice. I naturally went back to that local compagny, hoping to get end up with an actual job.

What was once a quiet workplace became a very loud one when I was studying. The compagnies bought three big machines that make a lot of noises. I had headaches everyday during my second internship. I quickly realized that I had to put this dream in the trash.

What hurt the most was seeing how sucessful my other classmate have been. At the very end of that course, we had to make a presentation about our internship. Every students aside from me were hired that the place they did their internship. All of them aside from me.

To this day, I still have no job. I tried alternative to seek alternative compagnies, but it is a very crowded sector and there is not much job available. What was probably my only chance is probably gone.

It hurts. I have been a NEET for nearly a year now. I am going to try to look for a job soon but things aren't looking good...
Is there anything you can put in your ears to block out the sound if you were to work there?
 
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Walk in the Rain

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I feel like this is one of my autism moments, but hey this board is a license to vent so I might as well get it off from my chest.

I'm really sad for how language works, or rather how people think language works. That sounds abstract and confusing. I'll try to explain.

I've been trying to fit in a discord server, and even to me it's a mystery why I want to fit in so much. They said words that really hurt me. What hurts the most is that they probably didn't think twice about it and have forgotten all about it. Maybe I want to fit in in there because for a while I felt like I belonged, and thus I felt lied to and betrayed when they said those things about me. Maybe it's because I wanna prove to myself that what those people said about me is wrong. I want to show that I'm nice and friendly, and then maybe I would feel more human. I feel so alienated, like I'm some sort of secret psychopath because why else would I feel so rejected everywhere I go.

Now, what happened to me and how bad I feel about this is not their fault, just to be clear. I don't think they had any intention to hurt me, and it feels like blaming others instead of yourself is a good strategy to not feel any guilt. Somehow I feel like I need guilt.

Oh yeah. This was supposed to be a post about language.

So it was a weekend and I an attempt to spark casual chatter, I typed in the general chat 'This server is weirdly quiet on the weekends haha'. Then I got a message by one of the mods warning me that my message was not very considerate, nice or friendly, and that I should know better that people are busy on the weekends and that they have important things going on in their lives.Like I was implying people who don't chat on the weekends are some sort of bad. And I felt completely retarded after the fact. Like did I say something wrong, did I hurt people (again). It felt like some sort of accidental gaslighting, I started to doubt my intentions in sending the message, like maybe I had secret intentions and actually meant harm with my words? I asked some friends about it and they assured me it was just the mods being thin skinned.

You always read poets and writers reflect on the fact that humans are irrational and even mostly irrational. And you get it, because you know tons of irrational people. But then it happens to you, you feel overly emotional and nonsensical about something that, judged by any rational means, is totally stupid, and words can't quite capture the gibberish of your emotions and when something can't be put into words, you feel like it's not really there, like it's a product of your childish imagination so you shouldn't care about it.

I laughed it all off and told myself like I were praying that I didn't care about it. But fuck it I care a lot.

Anyways, I tried to apologize to the mod and told him the usual I didn't mean nothing by it. He said that even if I had no Ill intent, I still hurt people and there was some implied blameworthiness on my part for that. I think I lowkey gave up after that. I wanted to never utter or write another word ever again. I lost my temper and told him that I interpreted his message (Your words hurt people even if you don't mean no harm) as incredibly hurtful. Then, like thirty minutes later after a short 'victory' glass of water I prayed and then apologized to the moderator for being so passive aggressive. It's always like I don't know what I want like I was part of some cringey, so bad it's good life-drama.


I feel like I can't communicate. I know. You reading this, hopefully you understand what I'm saying and if you do, then it shows that I know how to communicate. But words are not that great at showing how a person feels or what he really thinks. Sort of like, I might be making all of this up and this post is a huge troll and you have no way of knowing. Then there's the issue that words hurt, words hurt even if you don't mean to. People may be islands and words have to sail on a shipment cargo through a hurricane of bias and personal nonsense and God knows what part of the shipment will arrive in the end.

I think when we pray, for those who are into that, God maybe understands the intentions behind our words rather than the words themselves. But I don't know. I'm probably saying some heresy and I'm not even aware of it, even if I didn't mean nothing by it. Of course the definition of heresy includes the fact that you have to willfully go against teaching.

Unironically, did I do something wrong? I can't stop arguing with myself about it like an old lady. The problem is I don't know. If I knew I'd at least feel guilt or not, and feeling guilt is better than not knowing. I'm really afraid the posmos were right and language is a huge power-construction and there's nothing to do but accept the game of language and be at the whims of what others want your words to mean. And if they want to paint your words as something evil, then who are you to question power.

At the end, I sort of said fuck it and stopped trying to fit in. There is now an open-for-rent apartment in my head. I feel saddened by it, because I feel defeated. Like I admitted that I am what they painted me as. Maybe.

Also, I'm not a victim here. The mods didn't mean nothing by their words. I'm just trying to express my emotional confusion into words. It feels good to put things into words.
 
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