Is there any help, someone who understand me... "myself"... this?

[Some_porcupine]

I think this might be universal experience, but if not, I'll try to explain it anyway. If one believes in homogenity of universe, with the same conditions, everything could be replicatable...

To the point - I feel like idiot. I critize everything but never speak up so why I bother with the first thing in any%place, right!?

Well, that's only part of it (isn't it?) - the thing is, I am stuck. In my head, in my family, social and economic circles, "society" (hehe, joker-joke-nr574636.jpg) /*cries*/...

I am either stupidly smart, or smatassly stupid. Which one, zero clue. What bothers me (lol- but, really, not funny any way - am I this stupid, starting on 3rd time, getting on across any point...?) — I got this problem, of few:

- I am pussy - I get easily offended (well, used to very much often and at subtler clues, - any progress is win! /*Jk, it's awful way of thinking*/
- I rarely can tell if things being said are sarcasm (or, people can't act any way more affected - in text or in speech; I am "/s", but I can't tell it apart...)
- I can't make anything, or I'll get guilty over it, (2) no wonder how or even why that's it - I am very serious, or extremely random - no middle way for me
> either I tell jokes that are somewhat offensive (slippy tongue), or being frigidly serious (can't make any mistake - if i do, i can "poke" in it for month)

- (2) problem is, I have hard time to open up and I rarely believe anyone or anything
- I know that having "all backdoors open" is very hard way to be people -people, but it is part of me
- I rarely cling to one way, and if I do, it is often a mistake
/*makes me upset* - that's why I can't have friends, job, hobbies... Or isn't it?/

- I can't listen to advices when I don't understand, when i don't "hurt" myself first

- what are your ideas - am I hopeless, or is my mind just playing tricks on me, that "if I change, there is longer NO Me?"
(Part of struggle too (3) - one/I know it is lie, I simply just can't admit, take it to my heart that it is true and make me problems
- it dies, but it "hurts less than road never took"

-(3) how to say - my head is blatantly and stupidly persuaded into thinking /*lying to me*/
that I am better and smarter than everyone else, because there is "no way then why I am alone and mis/disunderstood!"
> I tend to write long sentences and can't really shorten them, or I'll loose track of my "word-salad" (either good or really bad :| )

- sorry for rant,
- thanks for read,
- wish me luck and I hope I can be "cured" out of this, if I know how
(well, I've got theories, but those are stupid - like "it's a conspiracy, you've been made into <it>" iukwim #wtnhk)
- bye by now, see you then;

 

[Some_porcupine]

I think this might be universal experience, but if not, I'll try to explain it anyway. If one believes in homogenity of universe, with the same conditions, everything could be replicatable...

To the point - I feel like idiot. I critize everything but never speak up so why I bother with the first thing in any%place, right!?

Well, that's only part of it (isn't it?) - the thing is, I am stuck. In my head, in my family, social and economic circles, "society" (hehe, joker-joke-nr574636.jpg) /*cries*/...

I am either stupidly smart, or smatassly stupid. Which one, zero clue. What bothers me (lol- but, really, not funny any way - am I this stupid, starting on 3rd time, getting on across any point...?) — I got this problem, of few:

- I am pussy - I get easily offended (well, used to very much often and at subtler clues, - any progress is win! /*Jk, it's awful way of thinking*/
- I rarely can tell if things being said are sarcasm (or, people can't act any way more affected - in text or in speech; I am "/s", but I can't tell it apart...)
- I can't make anything, or I'll get guilty over it, (2) no wonder how or even why that's it - I am very serious, or extremely random - no middle way for me > either I tell jokes that are somewhat offensive (slippy tongue), or being frigidly serious (can't make any mistake - if i do, i can "poke" in it for month)
- (2) problem is, I have hard time to open up and I rarely believe anyone or anything - I know that having "all backdoors open" is very hard way to be people -people, but it is part of me - I rarely cling to one way, and if I do, it is often a mistake /*makes me upset* - that's why I can't have friends, job, hobbies... Or isn't it?/
- I can't listen to advices when I don't understand, when i don't "hurt" myself first

- what are your ideas - am I hopeless, or is my mind just playing tricks on me, that "if I change, there is longer NO Me?" (Part of struggle too (3) - one/I know it is lie, I simply just can't admit, take it to my heart that it is true and make me problems - it dies, but it "hurts less than road never took"

-(3) how to say - my head is blatantly and stupidly persuaded into thinking /*lying to me*/ that I am better and smarter than everyone else, because there is "no way then why I am alone and mis/disunderstood!" > I tend to write long sentences and can't really shorten them, or I'll loose track of my "word-salad" (either good or really bad :| )

- sorry for rant,
- thanks for read,
- wish me luck and I hope I can be "cured" out of this, if I know how (well, I've got theories, but those are stupid - like "it's a conspiracy, you've been made into <it>" iukwim #wtnhk)
- bye by now, see you then;

"Dies" should be "lies", writing on phone, aaah

 

[Deleted member 4436]

You're not alone, as far as I'm aware. I would like to submit at least myself as proof of such. I struggled with such similar experiences as recently as a few months ago, and no less do I expect to go through them again some day. My most recent conclusion was that it was in some due to a lack of any "equals", real friends or opponents, such that you see everyone as either above or below you. The solution, I believe, is to try and expand your social circles; if such is not possible in real life, then you would be best off finding some cool people online.

As for me, I often struggled--still do, even-- with comparing myself to the people I look up to, and all sorts of historical figures. My current rationalization is that all of the greatest were also goofballs themselves, from Cicero to Nobunaga to Abraham Lincoln to Jimmy Hendrix. All of them probably struggled with similar issues, though that history was buried behind all of their more notable achievements. Sure enough, if you look into the life of, say, Benjamin Franklin for example, you'll find that he was up to all sorts of antics. I don't think that would be the case if he didn't have at least some of the same vices as you and I.

You also mention feeling bad about "making things". If it helps in terms of the creative impulse, one of my biggest inspirations, Robert Fripp, has a few words that might be useful for your consideration.

"Dies" should be "lies", writing on phone, aaah

You can edit posts btw

 

[Some_porcupine]

You can edit posts btw

Ikr that I can, edit them it is just pain in the ass, on phone; gtg sleep soon, so I'll listen to vid you posted tomorrow, sure to not to forget

Btw, this:

[Verse 5: Billie Joe Armstrong]
Everyone's so full of shit
Born and raised by hypocrites
Hearts recycled, but never saved
From the cradles to the grave
We are the kids of war and peace
From Anaheim to the Middle East
We are the stories and disciples of
The Jesus of Suburbia!

[Chorus: Billie Joe Armstrong]
Land of make-believe
And it don't believe in me
Land of make-believe (Said it's, it's another lie!)
And I don't believe

[Outro: Billie Joe Armstrong]
And I don't care! (Whoo, whoo, whoo)
I don't care! (Whoo, whoo, whoo)
I don't care! (Whoo, whoo, whoo)
I don't care! (Whoo, whoo, whoo)
I
don't care!

[Part IV: Dearly Beloved] [Verse 6: Billie Joe Armstrong]
Dearly beloved, are you listening?
I can't remember a word that you were sayin'
Are we demented, or am I disturbed?
The space that's in between insane and insecure

[Refrain: Billie Joe Armstrong]
Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh, ooh-ooh

[Verse 7: Billie Joe Armstrong]
(Ooh, ooh) Oh therapy, can you please fill the void? (Ooh, ooh-ooh)
Am I retarded, or am I just overjoyed? (Ooh, ooh)
Nobody's perfect, and I stand accused (Ooh, ooh-ooh)
For lack of a better word, and that's my best excuse

[Refrain: Billie Joe Armstrong]
Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh, ooh-ooh

[Part V: Tales of Another Broken Home] [Bass Solo] [Verse 8: Billie Joe Armstrong]
To live and not to breathe
Is to die in tragedy
To run, to run away
To find what you believe

-kinda speaks to me

 

[Some_porcupine]

To add:

one has this very urge to be goofy animal and don't solve anything. I can't tell if it is right or wrong, help or will hit one back in return. Is human to not use all of what is given to him?

But then, control themself and to be "civil" is very hard - or is it the only way, only to hone themselves constantly til death, so one is "trained" to it all, as some circus animal!!?

If there is hopeful No and one can, at least for the moment, learn, use the "wrong" heuristical- shortcut - methods to ease themselves of struggle of "mind and heart", "will and morals", how to know when it is appropriate, and can we all learn it, to ease our pain in struggle of misunderstandings???

Or no - there is no such way, option, clue to be used - and we have to be what we were by generations, taught and learn to be, "civil, useful, human..."? #hauntology

Thinking about it, then - we use "shortcuts" too, without knowing that - brute memorization, body movements in training, - even biases and various unwilling effects - brain, after all, uses so much energy that it is only logical and (quite) excusable to use those shortcuts and (sadly) shortcomings...

 

[Some_porcupine]

I think this might be universal experience, but if not, I'll try to explain it anyway. If one believes in homogenity of universe, with the same conditions, everything could be replicatable...

To the point - I feel like idiot. I critize everything but never speak up so why I bother with the first thing in any%place, right!?

Well, that's only part of it (isn't it?) - the thing is, I am stuck. In my head, in my family, social and economic circles, "society" (hehe, joker-joke-nr574636.jpg) /*cries*/...

I am either stupidly smart, or smatassly stupid. Which one, zero clue. What bothers me (lol- but, really, not funny any way - am I this stupid, starting on 3rd time, getting on across any point...?) — I got this problem, of few:

- I am pussy - I get easily offended (well, used to very much often and at subtler clues, - any progress is win! /*Jk, it's awful way of thinking*/
- I rarely can tell if things being said are sarcasm (or, people can't act any way more affected - in text or in speech; I am "/s", but I can't tell it apart...)
- I can't make anything, or I'll get guilty over it, (2) no wonder how or even why that's it - I am very serious, or extremely random - no middle way for me > either I tell jokes that are somewhat offensive (slippy tongue), or being frigidly serious (can't make any mistake - if i do, i can "poke" in it for month)
- (2) problem is, I have hard time to open up and I rarely believe anyone or anything - I know that having "all backdoors open" is very hard way to be people -people, but it is part of me - I rarely cling to one way, and if I do, it is often a mistake /*makes me upset* - that's why I can't have friends, job, hobbies... Or isn't it?/
- I can't listen to advices when I don't understand, when i don't "hurt" myself first

- what are your ideas - am I hopeless, or is my mind just playing tricks on me, that "if I change, there is longer NO Me?" (Part of struggle too (3) - one/I know it is lie, I simply just can't admit, take it to my heart that it is true and make me problems - it dies, but it "hurts less than road never took"

-(3) how to say - my head is blatantly and stupidly persuaded into thinking /*lying to me*/ that I am better and smarter than everyone else, because there is "no way then why I am alone and mis/disunderstood!" > I tend to write long sentences and can't really shorten them, or I'll loose track of my "word-salad" (either good or really bad :| )

- sorry for rant,
- thanks for read,
- wish me luck and I hope I can be "cured" out of this, if I know how (well, I've got theories, but those are stupid - like "it's a conspiracy, you've been made into <it>" iukwim #wtnhk)
- bye by now, see you then;

#2
Btw that is totally not (50%) what I wanted to wrote, I just got lost In my thoughts.

Where it would lead, is:

I am this stupid-smart, smart-stupid overemotional guy.
And I got this struggle. So, - I love-hate my mother. She can't push me into anything. But isn't that nurture thing??? Either way, what I can(t) change (why?) and blame much ...
The problem is this:

I got this yearning for uni, but can't decide. I am 24 soon and feel stupid for anything (well, there are stupider people going to uni too), then overconfident at the wrong time (man thing???).
Also, the uni here is free only to 26. I am so stupid. I want to, but really can't, blame my mother. She told me it's my choice, but she know me - so she (UN)willingly nade me not to go to uni coz I never can decide in anything.
Now I hate myself over it but her more.

She really not pushed me (into anything), and that's the mistake. She was tired to. Well, she could have tried, but nooo (/Cyn)... I want to cry, push my hairs out, destroy everything around for her to notice, to get myself rid of this feeling, what-if memory...
Becaaaaause when she don't have uni, that meeeans things don't change!!!! (/s).

But yeah, there is this stupid counterargument too: sis went to uni and there is no difference, you start out from nothing. That's why I despise jobs and interviews, society as it is also - why all this crap - for nothing!

You need uni for job (doubt), but except maybe pay (but why), there is 0 difference, Dick's as Dick's, and I hate it. There is where society ends for me.
To be idiot for somebody. No thanks.

This is over, got me. Rather no job than being used, laughter at, being funny stock...
Yeah, I am terminally online. Totally (not) fault of my mother and sister's overdramatisation plays role in that, no wayyyy /s...

I am so angry at everything, everybody. I've got no job XP much. Only one dude who was the least good example for me to be a boss. Totally get me off from looking towards some job.

Because I am useless. Harari eon. Klaus Schwab too. They have truth, I was made into this. I hate it, but if no one will save me, I will do it myself, but

I doubt it will be by legal or good means... I don't want to be bad, but if not, I will be taken over by even bigger idiots who went to uni just for paper to brag about, while being total Dick's,

being CEOs and crush another good souls into doubting reality as it is and it's "why"s...

> I am so afraid of mistakes, I can't do anything than just to whine, that's all I can do. I am error, corrupted. My emotionality is mistake.
If we have to progress, we have to surpass emotions, yeaaaah /hj
- I hate it, others and myself. I get it now but it's too late
- when i needed people the most, I secluded myself, waited
- what people do for God, I made to people, but opposite
- aren't we like that, then? Running away too, to friends to run out from ourselves,
to not have time to think, "be" (not) alone with thyself...

 

[Regal]

Please seek therapy.

 

[Some_porcupine]

Please seek therapy.

I want therapy(st) to seek me . Ive got porfolio. Just to find it XDDD

 

[ignika98]

Honestly I wanted to try and offer some advice but I could not make sense of anything that you wrote. I'm not sure if you're that schizo, or just ESL.

Either way seek help. Preferably not from strangers online.

 

[LostintheCycle]

Honestly I wanted to try and offer some advice but I could not make sense of anything that you wrote. I'm not sure if you're that schizo, or just ESL.

Ain't schizo, they're Slovakian I think. Though, there's so many South Americans on Agora that have fantastic English. I don't bother reading anything from this user that's longer than a sentence, it's a waste of time and takes so long to interpret. No offence, OP.

 

[RealTomCruise]

Somehow I feel like I can sympathize with parts being said, honestly I have no idea how, given I still can't consciously make out much meaning from the noise, no offense. I could sympathize with the sentiment of looking back on yourself as socially inept resulting in being stuck in your own head and I used to share the same rocky relationship with my own mother. You completely and absolutely lost me at the song lyrics onwards however. The formatting is the most bizarre mish-mash of conventions I've seen and I thank you for opening my eyes to this Frankenstein's monster of formatting. Like others have stated, professional help may be beneficial and I wish you luck regardless of how you tackle your problems.

 

[feeble_world]

I got you man.

I am either stupidly smart, or smatassly stupid.

You're the secret third option. You are autistic.
Don't believe me? Go check. https://psychology-tools.com/test/autism-spectrum-quotient

 

[Some_porcupine]

Ain't schizo, they're Slovakian I think. Though, there's so many South Americans on Agora that have fantastic English. I don't bother reading anything from this user that's longer than a sentence, it's a waste of time and takes so long to interpret. No offence, OP.

NP, it just me (OP) being at my middle-low-low and questioning reality
also, regards of long posts - yes, got serious problems with that. it is simpler to write than to read - in bad example.
you know - when you read and say "aaah why is it so long" ,but then, when you write, it is "if it is short, is it stupid? if long, who will read that!?"
but middle ground nowhere, when, especially, you are in your emotional, 3am sad limbo (iukwim).

 

[Some_porcupine]

Ain't schizo, they're Slovakian I think. Though, there's so many South Americans on Agora that have fantastic English. I don't bother reading anything from this user that's longer than a sentence, it's a waste of time and takes so long to interpret. No offence, OP.

edited

 

[Some_porcupine]

I got you man.

You're the secret third option. You are autistic.
Don't believe me? Go check. https://psychology-tools.com/test/autism-spectrum-quotient

yes, thinking about this too.
mom is just (poor) gaslightning me into "tests were made when you were little, nothing came out." - like, WHAT IF i just got "luck" and when spoke nothing, they got no chance to figure out XD?

or, too, i just got urge, fear - to not be like everyone else. maybe my iam14andthisisdeep era is not over yet.
/mean that not being virtue-vile-signaling, just that my emotional and psychological needs/values are behind what they should be for my age/

 

[Some_porcupine]

Don't believe me? Go check. https://psychology-tools.com/test/autism-spectrum-quotient

Your score was 18 out of a possible 50.
Scores in the 0-25 range indicate few or no Autistic traits.

or i can mask very good XD.

 

[bnuungus]

dude, I think you're just way too stuck in your head trying to over-analyze each and every single thing that makes you tick. Our brains are not well-equipped to do this. A better form of self reflection is trying to listen to your deep feelings. Not your emotions, but your feelings. They won't give you rational output, but with enough practice you can learn how to harness them to understand yourself better. Have you tried meditation or prayer? They're a really good way to help yourself get out of your own head

 

[Some_porcupine]

dude, I think you're just way too stuck in your head trying to over-analyze each and every single thing that makes you tick. Our brains are not well-equipped to do this. A better form of self reflection is trying to listen to your deep feelings. Not your emotions, but your feelings. They won't give you rational output, but with enough practice you can learn how to harness them to understand yourself better. Have you tried meditation or prayer? They're a really good way to help yourself get out of your own head

you think "mindfullness", whatever that truly means?

 

[bnuungus]

you think "mindfullness", whatever that truly means?

I'm not exactly sure what you're trying to say here but my point is that modern humans have forgotten that we have intuitive knowledge as well as logical knowledge. Intuitive knowledge is a much better tool for analyzing ourselves than logical knowledge

 

[Some_porcupine]

I'm not exactly sure what you're trying to say here but my point is that modern humans have forgotten that we have intuitive knowledge as well as logical knowledge. Intuitive knowledge is a much better tool for analyzing ourselves than logical knowledge

got it, same ideas got along.
but intuition are not emotions, you say - so you are aware of some danger, yet - there is nothing just emotionless, reactionless goosebu,ps...