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Is there any help, someone who understand this?

yeah. when you overthink everything...
 
Virtual Cafe Awards
this might relate to thread about Anxiety about future, - or not
sorry not sorry, i might repeat myself and go total nutsack (you know automatic writing? so something like that, but emotions involved; cry-beast mode, *haha*)

for start, "internet communists" say "everything is exploitation", here it might started

* anxious as fuck, can overthink everything (mostly as an excuse "why not to X" - leads to nihilism)
 
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Virtual Cafe Awards
LONG CRY

Various opinions

you see, shootings too, get normalized if it is "daily bread".

when things became norm, it is hard to see world as what it was before.

we didnt have washing machines, microwaves, stoves.

years before, there were only sheds and no running water or central heating...

like that

my mother is "boomer" who denies her problems ("its all good, love light laugh" bascially)

father is prankster who would love to live in woods XD, but - there was shit happening - situations for life



i might have as well. i dont know if it was just jokes, or attacks, at elementary. at high school, it was more of evryone on phone and having no

things on common, so i was rather alone, because i felt entitled to them XD



undesirable? yes, it seems as shit if everything is for profit. then, you are burden, but what gives. i hate it when i cant get job, but its not my

fault if you cant fight it in the first place. it is just fucked up and i will just wait til things go south, or until people at top will lose

money/theri positions to younger ones



i am dumb, idk what to do, i cant even decide what i want...



. i am anxious, question everything, am too dreamy and idealistic + romantic, moodswings over hi- and lo- expectations, no common ground with

others (i made this weird, quirky and stupid façade of Self ...)

- i always, as kid, rather secluded myself from others, because idk, i maybe thought "i am interesting", "special", "too cool for others". and even

if i wanted, i am nowadays undecided as fuck, know too many things and none of (those) i am specialist, - got no friends (had, but it was just bunch

of kids on block - i got no topic to say...)

-- went to no uni (undecided, hi expectations, my ideal of "forever 2007" died in 2013 (globalization to blame?)) - parents has it good, but it was

so-so, as due communism - yet then, Americans say past was "just different", you just "walked in, shook hand, got job"...



*about hi-expectations - it was only that i could draw well and "remember" weird encyclopedia stuff [i am like, huh, dont every kid do that?]

(it is hard to, but every kid draws, so it is messed up and that idea made me "aftergifted", of sorts - with no goal, just having surface

knowledge and vocab on weird things)



Yes. I didn't participate much in anything, meaning I did the worst thing that I could - never truly fail. This has me spoiled; if you understand.



I am curious! To me it was scary because Shinji, MC, has to decide ; which is, fir me, in my situation, that I never close any option,

never decide...

Nightmare, if you will.

He, as me,was told what to do, and when he had to decide and do A thing in his life for himself, it is... As being betrayed.



yes

you know these 3AM thoughts?

so, kinda this... you got them, got the idea, but then, the first thought just stops you - "if i do this, then everything else would have to be

solved too", so you rather dont even start

also, when (related^) your mind tries to "lie", negotiate in the way *all bad things recap clip-show* - you were learned into this way of thinking

because of your experiences. you know this is *possibility*, yet, doing nothing is safer than doing anything

maybe those eureka moments, enlightenments, only happen to people who hit the rock rock rock bottom; but idk, it is like, quite different level,

kind, of "slap" - maybe it has to be related to more real world, to things that affect others - that to "just mussing"...

no idea here why is it (?) like that...



(redacted) i had it similar if not even worse

it is so bad to "by accident" ("skill issue", teachers not seeing who is victim and abuser)

more likely than not, punish victims. when they dont fight back, it is bad. when they do - it is bad, too.

tired of this shit.



totally, if "normies" did something worse than i would (i sometimes act weird and cant quite answer it why, then,

later, or never) - like, make stupid reply, yell, get mad... i am thinking if i got autism, mother said i was

"tested" as kid, we "could know"... idk, heard stories of adults who just found out deep in 40s-50s...

just lowkey scared i would lie myself into being autistic... or always was? no clue. like, if it is even possible to

"lie" to those guys who do diagnosis (ever heard of Munchausen by proxy?) ~ idk the place, where or how those tests

are done :/, i just want to know if i am just delusional, or if i was like this "from always"...



why is it not normalized(!) for those with disabilities to fight back!...



when normies act "goofypilled", it is romantized; when somebody does so of being "done with shit"

(not mad; not mad *like that*), from trauma, from fighting back - it is *suddenly* something bad?(!)



/secretative data/

i thought, for difference, than me and few like-minded individuals/groups who were, as me,

very low at that time (like 3 months or so, prior), attracted/made-to be covid "into" reality

- talked about here in chat, learned about (chaos?) magick...

would be interesting if that is doable, and even, rather be used for better things...



/from chat; these are my thoughts... opinions... i might be wrong; this is just how i see it...

dont get offended and if, then - epiphany?huh?/

i cant blame you for this, but people in general dont like complaining much, i know it firsthand,

i complained way too much, that it started to annoy people (what a goofy mistake)



also, dont ask people on >redditcostanzayeahrightsmirk, they hold themselves on "high" standard

(self-proclaimed, self-entitled geniuses, autists (whatever that means "in their book"), know-it-alls...)

also, no such discussion is possible in "religion" media - whatever becomes fad, popular and highly acclaimed,

it loses all "magic" the time redditors

(not all of them are bad, but in general, ~ every lie got some true and start somewhere (to be believable))

and fandoms (past 2013; things from here hits different) lose its niche status and becomes , mainly for

"revival gems/all-time classics" - obsessions... (sorry if i cant explain this any better, or if i lie

- this is just what i and maybe some other people think)



you are not going insane - it is just that... evangelion was "inaccesible", "lost" (wink wink) and with

Netflix, "all hell broke loose" - normies *suddenly* re-discovered "gem" , - or so those *first-watchers*,

call it so and hold that, to a high status (if you are curious, there are some (such) tropes on Evangelion

at TVTropes.org) ... [my fav trope is Main/ItsPopularNowItSucks]



/will NOT explain further - just feel the feelz.../

i understand it is hard to do so with autism. or when you are me and cant hardly lie about anything.

i feel like kid, but i got not that heart or balls to lie. it just feels *disgusting* to me, somewhat,

it is weird. (could also be called naiive.)



it has to be hard to "make" reason when this is nothing that horrible to worry about. i would have no idea too,

how to make lie (alternative story) on spot... people , and normies, has done worse things. murders get glorified too :/



/*same^*/

but this can also mean , "sign" (or you colud lie yourself into (i should prolly at times like that)) that

you have to prove them wrong. - not thru words, but acts. working harder, doing art, trying to set habits,

declutter - like that (i lie to myself now, but those things could work for others - i am too stubborn

and *quirky* to change anything (and egoistic - something like Asuka, only that i am scaring of this coping

mechanism of mine (or i got none such trait and lie to myself i have; again)))



/opinion; ^#3/

just see that IP as "religion", "fad" - or even! - always in positive light!

different view is always hard, but for society to improve (not saying politics or economics now), it is very needed.

- we seem, as Western society, to run away from problems, meaning - they get never solved and are just carried further

and futher, until similar problems cluster, accumulate together - if this all even make some sense.



/rant; all from -my- chats.../

i meant, that they see "too much" into it. the anime being overhyped - those who seen it at original run,

contrary to those who seen it the first time only on Netflix, creating kind of "temple", circlejerk, place

where ... the people ever forget why they love(d) it, yet they repeat it again and again (primary meaning

being lost) - worse of it, some might be just affluenzed by all those people, claiming how "high standard"

the anime is/was. ~ also, that they (again) see "too much" into it - with all the themes, visuals and tropes

- being not that deep really ~ the final episodes were goal, THE message, amid "filibuster" providing as

"helping hands/support of story"



stupid incel "i am so popular look" edgy (zoomer) "i dont get it" "and?" *lost in translation (*just saying) *

kids... i am not blaming you. there is just saying about "if you need to tell more than three people (iirc),

you want attention - no help" - idk how it goes with chatrooms tho...

it is indeed strange. no one can read? or understand? [well, if we live in world *like this (post-truth 2020,

trump-russia-gov_papers...)*, it really makes me (no) baffle at the state of society :/]
 
Virtual Cafe Awards
PART #2

It was just Hideaki Anno's way to differentiate his anime from others.



And that with fandom - that is typical. Happened to me, yet, I don't like to lie or feel bad, hurting others.

/ I am just afraid that one day, I will have no choice, no will to longer hold it all in, - and go berserk,

or do some weird shit, just to be seen... Can't explain it, maybe I just want to meet with people, that are

same as me, in that regards. Underdogs, abandoned, banished... It just makes me, at the same time, uncomfortable

if I would be seen by *normies*, my stupid brain assume they are all same, neoliberal "orange Emilys" who hate,

yet support capitalistic exploitation by megacorps...

I couldn't care less, if I didn't hate my age bracket so much, in general. I got nothing in common with them.

If I ever would want to, it just makes me feel like copycat. Just liking something for sake of it, so fake...

(Tiktok have been disastrous to human race... (*Fill in intro from Katsinski's manifesto*))



I can't quite tell why I feel like this, if I want to, or I was just learned, made to, or just imagine myself

being like this. If I want to be just weird for the sake of it, because I want to ?mean something special, for

someone ~ is it just love?? Wait, maybe I just want to ?have sex...



*Sorry for rant, I am just Confussed about my relationship with humanity and my generation.





During 10th grade, one of the things that helped me cope was a book called The Catcher in the Rye

by J.D. Salinger. The main character of the book, Holden Caufield, felt like he was trapped in a world of

"phonies", people who just didn't give a care about anything, people who pretended to be someone else, people

who tried to be other people. As I myself felt like I was in a similar predicament, given the fact that

the adults of 10th grade were very neglectful.




yes, i read it too, on my own accord. we should, but we got no time on curriculum, so it was for me,

just out of curiosity

funnily, the MC talks like i do - maybe i just copy others and things i like, unconsciously, or my

"dark side" does (that one that goes against my values, but in my own "interest" (w/o values/virtues involved)...





I'm waiting for someone to love as well, as I seek a wife for myself to be the comfort of my eyes.

Admittedly, I struggle with lust, which is one of the reasons I wish for a wife, so I can make her feel good,

as well as myself.




yes. i too has problem, i just cant excuse myself wanting something out of selfishness, so i have to find

"someone" to do it for... i know it is wrong, terrible and disgusting, but i just simply "dont matter that much"...





Who are these "orange Emilys". What country are you from?



it is hard to pinpoint, but mostly what i got is (political compass memes) - (young) people who try to

"fight" capitalistic malpractices with ever more capitalism (imho, makes no sense much);

and they self-identify themselves, because (idk) they feel good if they relate(?)...

pic-rel meme:

- https://images7.memedroid.com/images/UPLOADED997/5ff1d19d8145f.jpeg

- https://lens.google.com/search?p=Acn1BYftK2hy7OFxfWzrXP8kc9JsIM6UbXyjGy3ZqsD8VAkq7qp0xAnNVfxyM-

7_yW6MbPxDLDy4Ev_vzhx08_pcWeKaxYmj3v_ZFWRQqU43KwBhdukbvnQNPO0ovWM8lSTvpLQtWfv2FfE7uguME3mDMcSKtYeow

DeudfDjo8CsOr0p3oWXHjAuSY9Oe0XqIfXM4nb8m7-6H6gbzkTCZaB0Mkxjw8FPS7yjVBx5QDzN--Y9aEEzkcLuhTAFadFDwXsE

JimynJ06OQf4fgHn7-sZ6uXSupY47ea0NoOss8Q4&ep=ccm#lns=W251bGwsbnVsbCxudWxsLG51bGwsbnVsbCxudWxsLG51bGw

sIkVrY0tKR014TldJNU5ETTRMV0l3WkRndE5HSXhNaTA0Tm1KbExXSTBZVGsxTXpsa05EazVNQklmTUROemJWWTJja2RDVTI5WU

5FbGhORUZXWjJGWFdVRkVjMjVhVjJ4U1p3PT0iLG51bGwsbnVsbCxbW251bGwsbnVsbCwiMC0wIl0sWyI1NzYxZTkyZC01YjYyL

TQ5NWEtYjFkNi1jYjBjOWFmNmMyZWQiXV1d

- https://lens.google.com/search?p=Acn1BYftO4tIb3k_Gc9gEcoS8rauWU8P_KYPY8SLx9A9klW3EYrU8SfjBCL1CIz0

hWTrL8siVLj1NSqH1huHbFJkFZIsfSQq5gMm80BP_VFArnAdjr-

3-qcguWHTPVLVAwG56y7PaJiXy0uNBvMv_W4JHjQHD0N6YtGpqp0u4F7mhmvl58qLcEs60626A8j1FpwDGklIojM5P2NRPAdgum

HFHJtUgSWQXpwEjMHc3elhvQbmbtAg63UmPmgzUYtdOrovIzyFUHblgx6i2p39aQuBzs-

a7ysP5o_OAxs_isUR&ep=ccm#lns=W251bGwsbnVsbCxudWxsLG51bGwsbnVsbCxudWxsLG51bGwsIkVrY0tKREZrTkRCaU5qTm

tMVE15TVRjdE5EVmlNQzFpTldWaExXUm1aR1k1TUdSa1lXVm1PUklmWTE4eVRWSmpNM2c0U0hOVVVVUjFWV2RKVkUxaWJEVm5kb

HAwVjJ4U1p3PT0iLG51bGwsbnVsbCxudWxsLDEsbnVsbCxbbnVsbCxudWxsLFswLDAsMTAwMDAwLDEwMDAwMF0sbnVsbCw1XV0=





oh, so it seems (TIL) those are meme generalizations of SJWs; idk on the last one tho...

(maybe i am???) /*rest redacted*/



dreams? i havent got those in years. since 2012/13 when "meanings and values shifted",

it looks like Mark Fisher has truth and we indeed live in world where future wont come,

and we will live forever *like this* (*broadly shows and throws hands around*)



there are 8 billion people, so if it doesnt harm anyone (1st-hand), it should be ok; maybe

if you showed it to some veterans (no jokes), they too would react similarly, or someone who

might be hit by it (but not on >redditcostanzayeahrightsmirk much ;) )

it is weird, how you feel hit by it, almost, if not, feel the urge to change; yet, you seem

(talking from my experience) to shrug it off as "i was made into this, who i am, by accidents,

so i have no say..." - you just cant argue, because, in fact, you know no other way around

- you havent grow out of it; - to think "out of the box", differently, - you got no other reference

or experience to grab to; so you stay the same - you would love to, if you (i/me) wasnt so stubborn,

wannabe-ignorant, could see a way out of this >

is it as if i picked the wrong way and found out too late, dont remember why you did this in the

first place, and then forgot which turn leads to beggining. maybe that is the feeling - when you

want to "return to innocence"...



https://www.thetoptens.com/internet/worst-fandoms-groups-internet/ (9 - Weeboos)



... (memes incoming)




ME: 1960s: on my yearly salary I bought 2 vehicles, a trailer,

a boat and 2 houses in just 10 years. | 2023: my salary is 10x greater than salary in the 60s

and I can barely make rent. I might not even get to finish writing this sentence because my

landlord is going to turn off my electri

>
View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ivp442RLS8&list=TLPQMTMwNzIwMjMWY-54arCQ0A&index=2







/"confussed" take/

ME: id like NATO if it were like 50s

and wouldnt try to numb-down everything to lowest common denom, like,

... "to not hurt anybody", so we need to "westernize" the globe...



ME: People cXTSJeMm_normal.jpg

NATO@NATOWorking for peace, security & freedom for one billion people.

Official Twitter account of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization.

#NATO #WeAreNATO... (ideas??)



ME: John Berkeyjohnberkey.com

John Berkey was an American artist known for his space and science fiction

themed works. Some of Berkey's best-known work includes much of the original

poster art for the Star Wars trilogy, the poster for the 1976 remake

of King Kong and also the "Old Elvis Stamp". Wikipedia



ME: is this bs write-up? https://aesthetics

.fandom.com/wiki/User_blog:Doom-gloom-city-pop/SANDBOX_II:_Memes:_test



ME: cute cat https://cdn.discordapp.com/

attachme...22_6345032652270180_5012621974396716339_n.png



ME: It was like I was Bateman (am.psycho),

just doing what I needed and that was it, I was like in trance. Ratherz or,

closed in my bubble, little imaginative world where people are

"gay space commies", if I have to call it retrospectively

Saturday at 2:11 AM

ME: Also, the premise of my problem is:

I was never allowed to fail. Like, I could, IF I had chance to do something

that significant that it would ever be noticeablem i just was ignorant of my

surroundings most of the time, most of my life



ME: well, wo wouldnt love to be goofy,

loved, have claws and be able to jump and hop around!

Jul 7, 2023

ME: You will never be a cat. You have no whiskers,

you have no tail, you have no fur. You are a homo sapien twisted by excessive

internet usage and autism into a crude mockery of nature's perfection

- penguinblanket ( read (these 2) from down up)

+2



ME: i guess it is psyop to make society

as fragile as possible. many narratives at once. see, they "got reasons",

vs gov that is against that disruprtor. individualism vs collectivism, govs

vs people who dont want govs or controls or snooping in their lives,

or stupid laws around, byro shit and all that



or just yt-essay-smart. like lot of peoople on net. like, emos hopped in,

then got normalized few years after, and - that happens



ME: Markov@MarkovMagnifico·20hthere's a common type

of online pseudo-intellectual whose entire repertoire of knowledge comes from

youtube videos and you can smell it on them immediately - could be me



ME: there is no You. because by West, you are

Your job, or by what you do, what you like, it is materialistic, value-driven.

values with meanings that are not defined, or which change all the time,

as the wind (pol) blows

Jul 6, 2023

ME: yes. kids and people who got too much free time.

always was case. it doesnt mean it all isnt valid, but harming yourself only

to be part of group...

Jul 6, 2023

ME: tell me more. like, i dream of gay-space-communism,

but it is not real

ME: we strive for marxism, but we know it is just theory,

so we stick for what it is, and hope for meteor to kill us all?



ME: i talked to Poe AI about bigotry and it knows nothing

about 2021, but mentioned some Black american shit happening in 2014, that started (INO?) BLM



ME: The demise of the nation state | Globalisation |

The Guardian After decades of globalisation, our political system has become obsolete

– and spasms of resurgent nationalism are a sign of its irreversible decline.

By Rana Dasgupta

Jul 6, 2023

ME: who would have know that those buying bitcoin would

not be cofee-drinking anarchists, but those at top, those who are the reason crypto exist...




/s540x810/03a4e0059d13b19b3b5ec13f2b9b2717319e1d8c.jpg



ME: https://lonerwolf.com/lying-to-yourself/ did it all.vhehehe. sad.

Been there did that. I feel like robot. I wanted to go batshit so many times.

No idea what stops me every time. Fear,.knowledge that next revolution after

success will become another norm? Maybe I just hate that idea.

ME: Kinda opposite. Online, I tend to generalize and to be abrasive, mean, cynical,

afraid of misunderstanding and angry (state of current web). IRL, I am sweet, nice,

cute, innocent and almost doormat. I can't say no. Got no heart to be selfish.

Idk how to be



society itself. No double taxes, no money into Sus projects but as direct as possible,

schools being no standardized but being ROIs as means produced by students/working class,

no job gaps, terminating stupid job applying and need for uni unless IRL needed

Jul 6, 2023

ME: Instead of internet ending this class struggle, it just swapped coats. Low and high

posh, arguing over who *started* **this**. Those up need those below. Those down, well few,

will become top ones, believe it or not. That is the pain of success. And power-trip.

Jul 6, 2023

ME: So we know what is wrong. Then, what is stopping us is the force of habit. Myth we tell

ourselves. No. Past wasn't glorious. If it was, we wouldn't have to suffer its "unfillment;

broken promise; aborted plan"

Jul 6, 2023

ME: Yeah, you saying all that makes me think of self-censoring, seeded-in by Society.

Generations, and generalizations, patting ourselves how we know, or how we know.

And being content, with those half-lives, rather than to challenge ourselves,

for that we may find truth, that all is terrifying...

Jul 6, 2023

ME: It is weird how I "hate" people and society behind screen, and all that disappears

when I am outside. Anxiety is gone. I wonder. Why is it that, why at home I am anarchist

who hate The system (all ills),but irl want to help everyone? God, it would be so easier

if I was stupid reactionary. But I don't want to destroy what works. And there is

so much that don't.

Jul 6, 2023

ME: Like, afraid of myself. I don't want to do anything of fear , consequences,

fear of success, not knowing what to do if my dreams came through - then what?

Will I be suicidal? Will I try to make new reality, where nothing stands on solid ground

- where all that matters is improvement? But then what. Do I want that or it is not my dream,

just something I want so I can belong?

Jul 6, 2023

ME: Too stupid-smart. False intelligence. Posh ego, but that don't boast - only that

I do nothing, *superior* in my inaction, lying myself how smart I am, so I don't have

to disrupt world.

Jul 6, 2023

ME: There has been discussion about when dude burnt the Talented kids school. LCD being,

those are psychos who will go thru dead. I wonder what make me not be like that.

I am exact opposite, emotional mess that can't do anything "to not hurt others". I wonder.

Maybe I lack inter-personal skills too, so I try to greypill myself as evil, holding myself

back on my own restrictions
 
Virtual Cafe Awards
from another thread i am onto deleting:

Pain-posting (fear, anger, desperation... etc.)​



Jednoducho sa bojím že ak sa zmením, čo i len k lepšiemu, potom nespoznam sám seba. Je to hlúpa myšlienka, ale neviem sa jej zbaviť. Ak sa zmením, kto som potom bol na začiatku? Ak je osobnosť len spôsob ako nás klame ego, potom prečo sa tým, alebo zmenou, vôbec zaoberať.

Čo ak som v skutočnosti to čo nenávidím. Potom prečo som si nahovárať všetky tieto veci? Ak mozog nevie čo je realita, potom prečo sa vôbec v niečo snažiť.

Keď budem žiť len pre seba, nemôžem zabrániť, aby som nezačal ľudí manipulovať. Nemám žiadne oporné body, od ktorých by som ani zmenu samotnú mohol odraziť. - je to, akoby si sa snažil vytvoriť hmotu takmer z ničoho.

Je to ako s E=mc² - už radšej ani neskusas, pretože tá unavuje zisťovať prečo to robíš. Pre seba, druhých, spoločnosť, z nudy, zvedavosti?

Čo ak nechcem. Čo ak toto je fajn a jednoducho nie som typ človeka, ktorý sa chce predierať medzi ostatných? No bojím sa toho, že to vlastne chcem, alebo sa bojím tejto mojej samotnej súčasti - niekto, kto by šiel aj cez mŕtvoly, aby mu ostatní dali pokoj alebo to čo chce.

Bál si sa sám seba tak veľmi, že radšej by si konečne vybuchol ako pracne pracovať na niečom, čo vlastne ani nevieš prečo a čo robíš?

Radšej by si vykričať celej spoločnosti aká je pokrytecká, než niečo urobiť - pretože sa bojíš následkov. Je tak ťažké kontrolovať sám seba. Tak únavné. Nevieš ani prečo to robíš. Nechceš ubližovať, no ak ostatní môžu, ale je to tvoja chyba že sa necháš (vytočiť), čo potom?

Ale nie. To je úplne normálne. Pretože spoločnosť takto funguje. Nemôžeš nič, všetko je zlé, zakázané, tabu.

Ak pedofíliu bude sexualita alebo ak strach bude oslavovaný, potom je jedno co urobíš, väčšina bude mať pravdu, nech aj všetko bude ukazovať na to že ju nemajú.

Perverzita postmodernizmu. Žiadne hodnoty, všetko je relatívne. Kontroluje všetko. Seba, okolie, planétu, ulicu. Nie je nič ľahšie ako robiť obete z ľudí, čo len chcú poznať pravdu. Pretože ešte nepočuli o Patentem na pravdu. Ak je realita len konstrukt v našich hlavách, potom prečo pravdu potrebujeme? Ach, mi-lu-jem to tu (sarkazmus)...

Last edited: Mar 6, 2023



Bojím sa, že ak by som bol "normálny/ako ostatní", potom by som bol zlý. Použil by som, vedome či ne/podvedome ľudí na svoje ciele, vodil ich aby robili čokoľvek. A toho, že cesta do pekla je dlážděná dobrými úmyslami. Proste, že so sebavedomím bude zo mňa vypočítavy zmrd čo bude mať 10-bodovy plán, ako sa pomstiť tým z minulosti, a predstieral že som kto nie som. Snáď to časť mňa niekde vzadu zvažuje. Aj keď tak veľmi neznášam pretvárku. Čo ak je to však jedno, jediná možnosť ako uspieť, získať čo chcem - aj keď vlastne, neviem čo chcem. Možno len mať moc a pravdu, možno varovat ľudí pred tým, čo sa môže stať, ak sa zdajú slobody pre bezpečnosť. Nechcem byť jediným kto to vidí. Aj tak "ja" neexistuje, je to len cesta akou mozog chráni sám seba - Za každú cenu. Prečo potom si myslí, že zostať na jednom mieste, v jednom názore, je lepšie, než sa (ne) obávať, že sa zmením? (Aj, si to ty, Newton?)
 
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Oh the SSP explains few things ...
Since I was born (pretty fucked up as I am) parents and in particular father started to coddle me. So and so, he somewhat threw away his man aspect, and is somewhat feminine. I guess that it is because (I guess not) father used to tell at him and bear him up, the 50-60s style parents (born around that time, and we, and parents use to, be 10 years in the past *here*)
So he tries to defend that but it feels then, that I am weird on purpose - just afraid to end up like everyone else; can't explain why. (Maybe older sister and being in somewhat development age during Teen punk era, and her being in puberty then too (8yrs difference) doesn't help at all...
So I am not fatherless, but I sometimes wish I were, coz my father is mess and contrarian and mother too. They can't see the things they caused to me, turned me out to be what I am now. I'd like to blame them, but "I gave birth to you" "(your health complications)" nada nada... I hate they are so blind on this!
I am fucked up (for life, with their attitude) and all they can say is "what can children in Africa say" "(children W/o hands)" and shit like that!
Makes me furious cry in disgust and hopelessness...

Tbh, my sister, being tomboy she used to be, was better father role to me than my father. Only if I could recall all the lectures she gave me, the feeling she gave me is the only thing that remains.
Hate this, when only thing I can explain ",the elephant in the room" I wrote about *up here*, is that "I can feel it". I can! I can't just name it. I can recognize pattern or some shit, - but telling whatever to my mother, or parents, is like throwing peas at the brick wall... :(
 
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"New" memory, remember pain

I am wasting my time. I have all time in the world, yet can't decide what I want to do or why. If I'd discovered some free/cracked courses I could take.... It just feel so futile and useless. I am yet aware that is just excuse, yet, I got 0 patience with shit. Seeing no goal in the end, and world changing, and new lessons to be learned (example: CSS things being added up every now and then), it makes me cockoo in the head . Nothing ever ends, so why to even start. Feels like skill issues. Sounds like excuses. Yet, it is just fear to fail. If I knew by 11 I'm gonna end up like this, and that aftergiftedness is a thing, and I'd never we edu-sponge 4ever, I'd could be much further. Not afraid to fail, I never learnt how to...
 
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  • Some_porcupine:
    id copy stuff there
    A moment ago
  • Some_porcupine:
    i got mine
    A moment ago
  • Razzle Dazzle:
    Eden said:
    @Some_porcupine, i'm sorry but we need another
    Maybe, but the last time the others were locked simply because people were not being nice to me. In fact, this guy named No_Chill was making very antisemetic remarks.
    A moment ago
  • Some_porcupine:
    Razzle Dazzle said:
    25 actually, spent the past four years in depression.
    same, but like... mom said i am like this from like 11
    1 minute ago
  • Razzle Dazzle:
    Some_porcupine said:
    you are afraid youd hurt people, so you go "whatever". you have no trust in anyone. you dont talk to others coz you dont want to be affected, "psy-oped"...
    One of my deepest fears is that no one will play with me. Oftentimes I'd be instantenous to ask people what their hobbies were, not because of my Autism, but because of my fear of it.
    +1
    1 minute ago
  • Eden:
    @Some_porcupine,
    i'm sorry but we need another
    +1
    1 minute ago
  • Some_porcupine:
    Eden said:
    @Razzle Dazzle, start a thread yo
    he did, its locked. like, 3rd one in fact
    2 minutes ago
  • Eden:
    chat is too ephemeral for this wisdom
    2 minutes ago
  • Eden:
    @Razzle Dazzle,
    start a thread yo
    2 minutes ago
  • Some_porcupine:
    you think you are special, that you can change people. you are dilussional, that you can control them, manipulate them - this is how my fear roll
    2 minutes ago
  • Razzle Dazzle:
    25 actually, spent the past four years in depression.
    3 minutes ago
  • Eden:
    @Razzle Dazzle,
    Oh sorry, right, you're probably at like 30, yea?
    3 minutes ago
  • Some_porcupine:
    you are afraid youd hurt people, so you go "whatever". you have no trust in anyone. you dont talk to others coz you dont want to be affected, "psy-oped"...
    3 minutes ago
  • Razzle Dazzle:
    Thread 17?
    3 minutes ago
  • Eden:
    @Razzle Dazzle, we gotta start thread #17 yo
    3 minutes ago
  • Eden:
    @Razzle Dazzle,
    this is such good stuff
    4 minutes ago
  • Razzle Dazzle:
    "A man choses. A slave obeys." - Andrew Ryan, BioShock
    4 minutes ago
  • Eden:
    @Razzle Dazzle,
    pls
    4 minutes ago
  • Some_porcupine:
    who give them no space, so theyll grow up into NPCs
    4 minutes ago
  • Some_porcupine:
    you cant feel good, because you blame yourself for things, either you do or dont do them. strict parents, parents who care little/too much, absent, helicopter ones....
    5 minutes ago
  • Razzle Dazzle:
    Some_porcupine said:
    i am aware
    True, there is some wisdom to be gained in the suffering I've gathered, but only that which I've discovered myself, rather than from the lies of worldly men.
    +1
    5 minutes ago
  • Some_porcupine:
    i am aware
    6 minutes ago
  • Razzle Dazzle:
    Some_porcupine said:
    i mean, i dont want to hurt you, but if you never learned to fall (aftergifted), youd be still hurting yourself anyways still, for any minor inconvinience
    Some people hurt themselves because they're afraid if they stop, then others will do the hurting for them. They believe if they hurt themselves, they can find solace in the taking the choice of bearing the pain for themselves rather than have others inflict the pain on them. It's a habit.
    +1
    7 minutes ago
  • Eden:
    Razzle Dazzle said:
    Empathy doesn't make us weak, it makes us stronger. Ignorance makes us weak. Ignorance is not bliss, it is suicide.
    fr, fr, on god
    8 minutes ago
  • Razzle Dazzle:
    brentw said:
    What we need now is less empathy. People need to experience what real hardship feels like so that trivial setbacks don't come to define their world.
    Empathy doesn't make us weak, it makes us stronger. Ignorance makes us weak. Ignorance is not bliss, it is suicide.
    8 minutes ago
  • Some_porcupine:
    i mean, i dont want to hurt you, but if you never learned to fall (aftergifted), youd be still hurting yourself anyways still, for any minor inconvinience
    8 minutes ago
  • Eden:
    PRESENT TIME!
    8 minutes ago
  • Eden:
    PRESENT DAY
    8 minutes ago
  • Eden:
    @Vitnira,
    we're talking about this here, yo
    9 minutes ago
  • Razzle Dazzle:
    brentw said:
    Becoming "traumatized" because someone disagreed with you in an anime chatroom is a consequence of WAY TOO MUCH EMPATHY.
    Disagree is putting it way too lightly. They pretended to be experts on mental health when in reality, they weren't.
    9 minutes ago
  • Razzle Dazzle:
    Some_porcupine said:
    @razzle dazzle remember, how you said it somewhere in-between your lines of your fanfic?
    "Everyone thinks about changing the world, but no one thinks about changing themselves." -Dostroyevskey
    +1
    9 minutes ago
  • Vitnira:
    good. go talk to your church or priest or a real physical human being who can actually help you get through it
    9 minutes ago
  • Some_porcupine:
    Razzle Dazzle said:
    How could I accept myself it my own Special Ed teachers weren't willing to show me how?
    we learn every day. i want to feel sorry, but is the same thing i do to myself, so then i am sorry (not) and this is how Denya was too, trying to push people because he was afraid to be same as always
 
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@Taleisin yes, P&A happen at the same time. You either do or don't, perception is what you see, action is what you do.
As you make decisions all the time (many are automatic), the difference is in what you can control, which is something worse than good.
(Aftergifted ramble no one wants to hear anymore)
Talent is not enough. But I see no way out, I see no sense, no light. I can help others only because I expect from them to do the same.

- midnote. It is as if everyone is more stupid. They are, but they'd learn. I won't. I always been this kid who is ass-smart, got random knowledge about bs topic as space and random wiki stuff... Spoiled by parents coz I was sick, no social clues (sick), friends, cliques, - no one on school for me. Idk I kinda don't count street kids who o friended with but they just... I think that is something different - school me (anxiety 1000, pretense...) and street, open, friendly joking almost no fears me... Hate how I, or you, can't always be the same type of person no matter what!!!...

I know it is bad, but what can I do. It can do me good all the same even if I know they are better - but I do it for the sake of it, as most of things I do... And it is also unsolicited.
So it cripple me. I do it, as masturbation. If you'd find out, it's emberassing and feels wrong. That's why I feel wrong all the time, so I wouldn't have to be surprised... That's why I can't be happy. That's why I don't want to do anything, because it is bad, or, I do it for wrong, questionable reasons.
But if it makes others feel good too; but they didn't asked, don't want...
(Have you seen Amelia of "Malpart"?)
 
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D idyou get the message?



Some_porcupine: Siblings Stics'
1 minute ago
Some_porcupine: Gymna Stics
2 minutes ago
dorgon:

Mеченый Яков said:
going to the gym just stopped to say hi

gym? i never met her!
3 minutes ago
Some_porcupine: I failed because I was afraidt o fail. But it felt better than if I ever failed at something. It was no effort, no pain. It pains, but only because you compare to others. When you don't, it is just perverted...
3 minutes ago
Some_porcupine: Ah crap this happens every time I got space to cry in, and where others can watch. I don't want pity, just pinch of attention. But don't lemme know, this is fine.
6 minutes ago
Some_porcupine: No abuse, just... How behind we are here with schools and all. Idk how all those others can be self-sufficient, I just have nothing like that on me. No motivation. Why to try- it will end anyways, and I am not architect or terrorist to get my will go on forever...
8 minutes ago
Some_porcupine: Ok sorry for that last sentence, I am just very confused. Used to be told what to do.
10 minutes ago
Some_porcupine: I get kids... This is my "third place". If more places were like agora. (ok delusional) maybe you are too nice to me. Ah I love to whore but not here... Why do I do that... Maybe I want pat on head and some lead (leadership, tho... If someone offed me, then there is no guilt to DIY)
11 minutes ago
Some_porcupine: How cunei or bee went and gone
14 minutes ago
Some_porcupine: I think those ytvris are psyop. Or they just... Got psyoped by Marx. But no one got solution, except maybe some socialists who want to share things. Too close to WEF
15 minutes ago
HammerKoopa: A few days theorizing how Pangolin got taken by the MIB
16 minutes ago
HammerKoopa: Or some other cryptid
17 minutes ago
HammerKoopa: Could of become a site urban legend for the skinwalker thread
17 minutes ago
Some_porcupine: Would be me (I am just socially anxious... If I were out at imdnight so nobody will see me... )
18 minutes ago
HammerKoopa: Would of been hilarious if "why are people knocking on me door at 2 am" was your last ever message on Agora
18 minutes ago
Pangolin: not the first time they've done it, and probably wont be the last. Strangely they come in the middle of the night instead of day but have never gotten anything at night.
18 minutes ago
Pangolin: @Punp @Hadrian Hardrada Cicero random mentally unwell person that probably walked all night at 40-50F just to try and knock on peoples doors asking for money
19 minutes ago
Some_porcupine: WHAT TO DO , I... SAID IT ALL ALREADY. IT IS THIS, AND THIS, AND ALL. ALSO BEEN BLACKPILLED BY ESSAYINOS ON PIOPTUBE HOW I HATE THOSE "WEST IS BAD, SO I CAPITALISM, IT WILL ALL FALL, AND OR ANYONE HAS NO ALT ANYWAYS SO WTH I TELL YOU ALL THAT I AM SO EDGY AND KNOW-IT-ALL" TYPES AAAAH
 
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So if your mother pushes you and it goes wrong your identity of being smart is still intact, whereas if you failed you'd be a "dumb" person.
If I fail, then I'd know that I was no special, because others had this happened to them too.
I just to have direction. But it all feels so fake. So artificial, so for its own sake to maintain artificial order...
You don't want to know how universities got their money back... They lie. It is maintaining status quo - they started to push social issues into curriculum so they can pride themselves for "raising" you up. Social sciences, some STEM (questionable picks), and nonsense.
Do they want to disrupt America so they can profit on anarchy leaders? Who knows. Maybe it is insane theory, maybe it is just dirty joke unis do...
Your idea? (Ok this was just posted >redditcostanzayeahrightsmirk under (sic) Why unis push socscis and nonsense to their curriculum?, I made the answer up)
 
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  • Some_porcupine:
    gn

    5 minutes ago
  • Some_porcupine:
    i guess this is just what being on web and being learn by it to be esgy just really is and wont go away my ways of thinkingˇ this cockfight ecerywhere... #alsoAquariusBs

    5 minutes ago
  • Some_porcupine:
    How to stop it how to let myself fo how to start i cant do shit because i see this albeit fake and nihilistic this chain of events anytime i do something so only times i can do them is to go dir head but it ends up mostly bad as i give all my energy to bad reasons mainly like hm unconcious selfiahness buried within that hurts me and others it feels like as i alwaya want some revenge but i guess...

    8 minutes ago
  • GENOSAD:
    Saving this

    9 minutes ago
  • GENOSAD:
    index.php

    10 minutes ago
  • Some_porcupine:
    Fake deepness ˇ from wikipedia yourube breadtube from random teivia from people takes circling socmedia maybe blog
    13 minutes ago
  • Some_porcupine:
    It is only i see things being pushed but idk hiw to dosge them or wake others upˇ so lonely keep seeing patterns n so tired od this alĺ ´ but i am only prwtendious cuck who want to mean something to others who want to yell at world that it is all fake what we did to ourselvws but i am fake toó´ what a tereible life to have undying morale , too much of self xonscuoussness...
    17 minutes ago
  • Some_porcupine:
    I like my takes but i can only say them here no one elae gets mé ˇ also hm that i woúdnt win debate or ever talk this to people or even argue ´ it is that i never had stands on things much´ only now i realized the that i was npc but not in the classic term´ i was just apathetic and even didnt share any normie cliques w others
 
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I
If I fail, then I'd know that I was no special, because others had this happened to them too.
I just to have direction. But it all feels so fake. So artificial, so for its own sake to maintain artificial order...
You don't want to know how universities got their money back... They lie. It is maintaining status quo - they started to push social issues into curriculum so they can pride themselves for "raising" you up. Social sciences, some STEM (questionable picks), and nonsense.
Do they want to disrupt America so they can profit on anarchy leaders? Who knows. Maybe it is insane theory, maybe it is just dirty joke unis do...
Your idea? (Ok this was just posted >redditcostanzayeahrightsmirk under (sic) Why unis push socscis and nonsense to their curriculum?, I made the answer up)
I see now
Thanks agora
Is just sjw prolification (thread)
 
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25
I am already dead
Never lived
Why to try
It pains
Because i go for head
Love too much
Am too fast
Goofy
No brainer
And then
Guilt
And other
For that i feel guilt!
Then anger
And break
Goofyness
And repeat cycle
Never happy
Cant be
No more goofy
But reserved
No joy
No mistakes
...
 
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Negative loop
I wanted to me so smart
Hating ob society
People, NPCs
Be redpill
Support socialism
Think of startrek
And sex
And hate
I am done for
Been orocessed
Another cog
Meat
Who ordered this?
Why to destroy?
So You can rule New?
No old behind
No new to-remember
Wolf fox society
And Gov playing God
Teh Saviour
So simple
Cruel
And bestial
Hello Moloch
...
 
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