Online Relationships

[SomaSpice]

Yesterday I had the most disjointed conversation through discord with someone who apparently comes often to the agora. I thought he was someone who I had DMs on here with, but it turned out to be another person, so you can imagine how confusing the conversation went. We basically had two separate conversations at first, barely making enough sense to be strung together.

In any case, once I realized I was talking to different person I asked him to identify himself, but he never responded to that and he just kept asking me why I didn't know why he began talking to me. I thought he was trolling me since he refused to make himself known, and I asked for his agora tag various times, but he never gave me a straight answer and in the end he called me mentally ill and blocked me.

​

This got me thinking about how weird and insubstantial purely online relationships are. Assuming he wasn't trolling me, just because we met under a different name and and place our whole relationship dynamic changed. Sure, I should've asked first who he was instead of just assuming because of writing style, but he never clarified himself either. Its also frustrating to think that I spoiled a nice relationship because of miscommunication. He knows who I am, and I don't know who he is. He hates me, but to me he's a ghost.

How many people do you guys think you've met online multiple times and never realized? Maybe that same person at one time offered great help and at another time slandered you. If you have a centralized internet identity like I do, how many people who you don't know nothing about know a lot about you? Do you think you're a lurker's favorite poster? If you want to get paranoid, you could imagine someone chasing you across sites without you knowing.

If you don't have a super unique writing voice just changing your username and avatar is generally enough to make people lose track of you. If you can just make a new account to delete all your personal history and its consequences, how real are the relationships we bulid online? Well unless you're an e-celeb or lolcow, then everything you do will be recorded forever and you're fucking doomed.

PS: If you're out there dude, I'm sorry I guess? If you want to have a normal, productive conversation with me send me your agora tag and dispel the confusion.

 

[punishedgnome]

I don't think a friendship online can ever replicate an actual close human relationship. People online can mean something to you, they can be someone you trust and confide in, you can enjoy interacting with them, but if it's not a person you've spent substantial one on one in person time with it's a stretch to call it friendship imo. A friend is someone I can call to help me move or invite over for a bbq or to watch a movie.

 

[Jessica3cho雪血⊜青意]

>but he never gave me a straight answer and in the end he called me mentally ill and blocked me.

I love the internet, but only because I can dissociate from these events when I log off. That would just be a funny online story, but irl it would bug me a lot.

I don't think I've ever had a long term, substantial online relationship with anyone who I didn't know in real life previously. I have friends who say they met some of their best friends online, but they're the sort of people who don't meet people irl. So, I wonder if that sort of differentiation makes a major inpamt in the substance of an online relationship. If online is all you know, is the bond as strong as real life? Are online bonds only weakened by knowing the true strength of a bond formed from face to face interactions?

Hard to say, but I get a lot of interactions like the one you described, simply by having typically very feminine profile pictures. I once had a user of a forum stalking me, which I had no idea about as they never reacted to me, quoted me, or anything else. One day they send me a DM asking about a bunch of weird, personal stuff and erupted like a volcano when I said I had no clue who they were.

People are strange.

 

[SomaSpice]

Hard to say, but I get a lot of interactions like the one you described, simply by having typically very feminine profile pictures. I once had a user of a forum stalking me, which I had no idea about as they never reacted to me, quoted me, or anything else. One day they send me a DM asking about a bunch of weird, personal stuff and erupted like a volcano when I said I had no clue who they were.

Very interesting, I'll take mental note of this.

If I'm being honest, I'm a bit of a greedy mother fucker. Money, renown, attention. I want it all, and fast. At least in enough measure that will allow me to avoid the struggles levied onto the average person. I know that the best way to fulfill my ambition is through the net, and that's why I've been thinking a lot lately about what limits to set so I don't lose myself or dehumanize others.

I'll try to take this recent experience and your story as practice and warning before I try to dive deep into the internet.

 

[calico_jack]

i subscribe to the metokur philosophy of online friendships
'no internet friends'

def not a cope that i am completely incapable of communicating with people

 

[Mеченый Яков]

I used to have a couple of online relationships when i was a teenager, was a total mess, and believe me there is no point in it, you are very far away from that person, you can't have that feel of touching that person, give her a hug, just talk about life in the park, or even more mundane things like sex, you can't replicate that kind of stuff in a relationship, even tho the bond can be strong and be only emotional/platonic, it wouldn't last forever, a friend i haven't seen in years had a relationship that lasted around 3 years, when they broke, he was devastated for that, and it just makes me think, why is the point of all of this? My OCD sometimes tells me my old friend and ex-gf are still mad at me because i left them behind a couple of years ago and they are looking for me (because i deleted my old accounts and i started fresh as a new person when i turned 18 years old, i wanted to change my life, i wanted to stop my dissasociation) so it gaves you more problem than it should, why do you think i don't DM people? I don't like the idea of being too close to people online, because the real private info i provide, can be used against me.

to be honest, i don't believe a relationship can be the same as real life, not even friendship, my tip, don't disasociate yourself, get real friends, and online friends, keep it at bay, as good old pals who wouldn't trust the doxx, i mean, you can talk personal stuff or vaguely what happen to you and how was your day, i do that all the time, but be cautious, don't tell your real name, a pic of you, or where you exactly live.

Also don't disasociate yourself, at the end of the day, we are anonymous behind a screen.

 

[Aral]

TBH to me internet relationships feel nearly the same as physical ones, except for... well, physical contact. More than once I wished I was next to my friends to hug them, but the distance made it impossible. Never had a long-distance romantic relationship though, and not really wanting one (if that has to be romantic, I'd rather have it be physical). I get less drained with online relationships, and I can turn off telegram/whatever whenever I want to work on my stuff or be alone, which is a plus. I hate the place I live in and I don't want to build friendships because I know that when I will exit, it will hurt, and I couldn't feel anything towards them anyway. It's no use being friends with someone if it's just to fill a hole, pretty scummy even. Granted, I'm no angel, but I don't want to be that kind of asshole who uses people. I prefer to be alone rather than have empty relationships. I've had online friendships that were a thousandfold more fulfilling than the ones I had right next to me, and yet we never met in real life.

I wanted more than once to meet up with my long distance friends but each time it fucked up. Once I missed my flight (to India), and on the second time we fell out right before I was supposed to go (Kazakhstan, although I'll still be going there, just not to see them). On the second case, we knew each other pretty well, sent a lot of audio/video messages, so I was 100% sure the person on the other end wasn't Azamat, 45 years old, with a murder fetish for sensitive euro girls.

I've met one online friend in real life though, back when I was 16, and it was practical because they lived in a city pretty close to mine. We have lost contact with each other since, but it was really cool. We saw each other a handful of times and they even met my mum once. I guess I was lucky not to get murdered or something.

 

[Outer Heaven]

This got me thinking about how weird and insubstantial purely online relationships are.

I've always operated under the rule that the internet isn't real and you should be sceptical of anyone you meet online. The fact I'm even posting here is a miracle because I've had to get over the hurdle of interacting with people on the internet at all. I'm a very social and confident person irl but I avoid online interaction like the plague because you can never know anything about the person you're talking to and you lose out on so much of the social process like facial cues that you cant even tell if they're lying on not. What makes it worse is you don't know peoples intentions. You cant hear their tone of voice in a discussion to interpret their emotions. You cant see their reactions to things in their body language. Someone could act nice on the internet but be malicious in ways you cant easily figure out like you would irl.

I've maintained many long distance friendships online but only after I've met the person irl first so at the very least I would know who Im talking to. I have never met a single person online that I've considered a friend or talked to long-term and that wont change until I die.

 

[SolidStateSurvivor]

I've been in a handful of niche online circles over the years, a lot of the forums and such have structurally dissolved but I've noticed some of the users I used to chat with sticking around each other on mainstream social media. It's always very strange seeing accounts of people you recognize from over the years randomly throughout the internet. Makes it feel like the internet is smaller than it really is Perhaps that's an indicator I've spent too much time on it or that I need to branch out to different interests.

I still occasionally chat with a few old online friends from time to time, but not as much as I used to since my real world social/work life has become much more busy. I used to meet cool people because I was involved on niche discord communities since you could buy/sell collectibles easily but I can't be bothered with it anymore since Discord's been over run by kids and Tumblrites. These days I don't really seek out new connections anymore, but I've met some pretty chill people through Neocities that I touch base with periodically.

E-dating I have mixed feelings on. I've never bothered with it personally but I watched an irl friend go from having a bunch of orbiters on 4chan to somehow meeting her current bf from there, and she's been living with him for a few years now and he's a pretty chill guy. So who knows, it's something I wouldn't be inherently closed off to but logistically speaking making that work seems like a lot of work for a big "maybe" in terms of ever even meeting up and feeling it out irl, which is what matters most to see if that compatibility carries over. It'd have to be a truly special connection for me to even consider holding off on irl dating anyone, because I just don't see e-dating coming anywhere close to the satisfaction I've had with my real life exes. Plus, doesn't help there's no real girls on the internet lul

 

[M0nkshood]

Can't say that I've ever met the same person online more than once without realizing. It's possible, but I tend to lie low in circles before leaving.

I'm not sure there's really a "right" answer regarding online vs. physical relationships. It's similar to asking about Internet boundaries: should we all leave the Internet eventually? Is it a light or a blight in our lives?
There are two main types of online relationships: long-distance friendships and circumstantial fellowships. The lines are blurred somewhat, but that's the theory I'm going with for now. Most online relationships qualify as the latter. You can meet interesting people, have memorable and thought-provoking conversations, play games together, and/or hang out in some capacity. Yet there is a disconnect between the personal lives of the people involved and their interactions, even if the parties involved "know" one another. One can argue the ethics of this, but I don't think it's always a bad thing. Unfulfilling relationships should be avoided, but if the arrangement is serving its purpose, is that really so bad?

Long-distance friendships are just that: friendships that just so happen to be maintained via the web. No, it's not ideal, but we can't help that. Our physical neighbors don't always turn out to be our blood brothers. Am I supposed to hold hands with people I hate, just because we live near each other?
I think the end goal should be eradicating distance within these long-distance friendships. Ideally, that means meeting up at some point, but that's not always feasible. Maybe it's about transparency, or having enough voice/video calls to create a sense of trust. I'm not totally sure. It gets ambiguous around here. Regardless, I believe genuine friendship is possible given the right setup.

On a related note, I recently came into contact with someone online who lives in my city. This has never happened before because my area isn't all that popular. I was excited and thought we might have enough in common to be friends. Turns out, they make incest rape porn and lolicon garbage on Twitter. Like, what the Hell am I supposed to do with that? The people I love live an ocean away and I'm stuck with degenerates like these. I want to make more RL friends, but Christ...

Romantic relationships are another issue entirely. Again, I think they're possible, but plenty of them turn out to be travesties.

 

[M0nkshood]

Hard to say, but I get a lot of interactions like the one you described, simply by having typically very feminine profile pictures. I once had a user of a forum stalking me, which I had no idea about as they never reacted to me, quoted me, or anything else. One day they send me a DM asking about a bunch of weird, personal stuff and erupted like a volcano when I said I had no clue who they were.

Apologies for double posting, but this is an excellent observation. Feminine-presenting profiles attract freaks by principle, even if they aren't actually female. Sometimes it's safer for people to appear as men or have inexplicit presences.

 

[Altghost]

You can spend so many hours and years of your life on them, or trying to replace relationships you've lost, trying to find some way to feel like you've found people who understand you and who you relate to in return. You may get lucky, but the odds aren't as obvious as winning the lottomax, and so it's easier to get sucked into trying.

You never know how much or how little you mean to the other person. You can idealize people, which makes losing them a hundred times worse. You might not realize right away that the only reason people like you is because they idealize you as well. The more alone you feel, the easier it is to get swept up trying to find closeness online. And the less you have going on, the harder it is to get your mind off people online.

And it's a hundred times worse if you actually have had online people tell you that you're important to them. It sets up a skewed perception of online. Just like in dating, there's no point dating a cheater or a player; online, there's no point in talking to people who see you as indistinguishable from a billion other identityless usernames.

 

[scaldanon]

Online friendships are completely separate, distinct, and different from IRL friendships. They cannot and will not replace IRL friends, nor should they.

As with most questions about internet things, the answer is "it's fine as long as you are touching grass too."

 

[Still a Youth]

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=luJJBeCFeM0

 

[Aral]

You can spend so many hours and years of your life on them, or trying to replace relationships you've lost, trying to find some way to feel like you've found people who understand you and who you relate to in return. You may get lucky, but the odds aren't as obvious as winning the lottomax, and so it's easier to get sucked into trying.

You never know how much or how little you mean to the other person. You can idealize people, which makes losing them a hundred times worse. You might not realize right away that the only reason people like you is because they idealize you as well. The more alone you feel, the easier it is to get swept up trying to find closeness online. And the less you have going on, the harder it is to get your mind off people online.

And it's a hundred times worse if you actually have had online people tell you that you're important to them. It sets up a skewed perception of online. Just like in dating, there's no point dating a cheater or a player; online, there's no point in talking to people who see you as indistinguishable from a billion other identityless usernames.

TBH, I find it's the same with offline relationships. It happened to me way more than once offline.