Online vs Offline Friends

niuenso

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I was thinking about my life situation and realised the majority of my friends are online friends. I met in person almost all of them but due to life circumstances we only get to hang out and catch up with each other online. And that got me wondering about how's the friends situation for other people.

Is the majority of your friends online or offline?
 
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Jessica3cho雪血⊜青意

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For me, the friend bar is a very particular thing. Typically, it involves interactions that can only be found offline, so most of my friends are offline friends (though we may game online now and then).
This is not to say I don't have online only friends; there are a very small handful of people I know online I consider friends.

I would say it is a 90%/10% split for me, offline/online.
 
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I think when you meet someone in the flesh it changes the dynamic a lot, even if you meetup mostly online. Purely online friends are a different beast than "normal" friends.

To answer your question, I meet with almost everybody irl and only use discord very sparingly. I find that voice chatting in discord tends to be kind of awkward since everybody is multitasking by either playing a videogame or doing whatever whilst talking. It feels like they're barely there.

The exception to this is the agora road. I really enjoy interacting with people here and have a lot of fun when the forum is lively and bustling. Pure online friends like the group of regulars in here exist in a strange liminal space of friendship for me, where there's not a super deep bond because I don't really know who they are, but I enjoy spending time with them. I consider it a category all of its own, where you can satisfy the mental need of socializing, but not much the emotional or physical need.
 
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Online. I stopped having offline friends about 4 years ago when I dropped out of university.

I was pretty traumatized by friendships during that time. They were shitty for the most part because I had gone out of a long period of solitude and desperately wanted friends. My uni friends were k-pop fans, two twin girls and their roommate, who I had vaguely known in high school. I'm not at all into Kpop, but I was lonely, and willing to try and discover a bit of it because why not, maybe I could like it too. They were ok friends until I needed support. I remember the day when Jonghyun killed himself, I wasn't really doing well either, had come to visit them at their place and they were more interested in the death of this guy they never knew rather than their depressed and suicidal friend in the same room who needed someone to comfort her. That gave me a very bad idea that, thankfully, I didn't act on.

One of these three would come to my dorm room, dump her issues on me for 20 minutes, then I'd try and talk to her about mine and after about 5 minutes she'd put on kpop and sing. I even told her that I self-harmed in an attempt to get some support, and her only response was "stop it", not even a hug, or "what's wrong". Needless to say I distanced myself soon after.

I traveled with another one (a Korean exchange student I met on a friendless New Year's Eve) who I believe has NPD, or at least is heavy in narcissistic traits. I felt uneasy with her but thought I just had a crush, because I tend to confuse excitement and anxiety (and crushes are extremely stressful for me), but something didn't feel right with her still, I couldn't eat in her presence without feeling sick, I was constantly either overly jumpy or straight up dissociating, the red flags were blatant. I didn't see them because... well, loneliness + generally being a big fawner at the time. Overly friendly at first, called me her best friend after only one month, a massive circle of superficial friendships all kpop fans (the weird thing is, she got mad at me because I told her I wasn't there for the kpop/Korea factor), very materialistic, a big attention seeker, always complaining that I wouldn't make plans but doing everything so her plans would take over mine, so I would just end up following along. We traveled three times together, on the first it was great, on the second I was dissociating nearly all the time and unable to eat, she'd scold me for it constantly, and on the third she treated me like dirt except when she needed me to take an instagram pic of her. I exited after this one. We were supposed to travel to Italy with her guy friend after but I think I dodged a bullet by not going. Had a bad feeling about what she was possibly planning to do with him.

It took me until March of this year to eat into a restaurant again without feeling like I'm gonna pass out or vomit and I still cannot eat Korean food or imagine myself traveling with someone without feeling nausea. I'm getting better though. But it took 4 years and we only were friends for 4 months.

I don't want to make new offline friends because they'd just be tools to me, to fill a "void" of sorts, and I don't want to use people as tools just to forget them as soon as I manage to move away. The idea of just using someone like that makes me sick. At least I can carry online friends with me everywhere that I go. I'll end up making offline friends again at some point though, just not now. I also plan to meet offline most of my online friends. I'm pretty sure this time around will be much better, because I'm older first, but also because I'm addressing my past traumas and such, and healing them.
 
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niuenso

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For me, the friend bar is a very particular thing. Typically, it involves interactions that can only be found offline, so most of my friends are offline friends (though we may game online now and then).
This is not to say I don't have online only friends; there are a very small handful of people I know online I consider friends.

I would say it is a 90%/10% split for me, offline/online.
I'd say that having a high bar is a good thing. But that's just IMO.
 
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niuenso

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I think when you meet someone in the flesh it changes the dynamic a lot, even if you meetup mostly online. Purely online friends are a different beast than "normal" friends.

To answer your question, I meet with almost everybody irl and only use discord very sparingly. I find that voice chatting in discord tends to be kind of awkward since everybody is multitasking by either playing a videogame or doing whatever whilst talking. It feels like they're barely there.

The exception to this is the agora road. I really enjoy interacting with people here and have a lot of fun when the forum is lively and bustling. Pure online friends like the group of regulars in here exist in a strange liminal space of friendship for me, where there's not a super deep bond because I don't really know who they are, but I enjoy spending time with them. I consider it a category all of its own, where you can satisfy the mental need of socializing, but not much the emotional or physical need.
This is an interesting perspective. So I personally have at least 4 people I met online first, a few of them I chatted with daily for years. And with all of them, when we finally met in person, it was the most normal thing ever. But I guess that probably depends by what kind of online friendship you have. I usually start interacting with strangers either because of my work (web developer) or because people get in touch with me because of my blog and things evolve naturally over time.

And I share your sentiment when it comes to those people that live in that weird zone where you don't really know them but you also interact with them often. I personally find that to be a refreshing way to interact with people.
 
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niuenso

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Online. I stopped having offline friends about 4 years ago when I dropped out of university.

I was pretty traumatized by friendships during that time. They were shitty for the most part because I had gone out of a long period of solitude and desperately wanted friends. My uni friends were k-pop fans, two twin girls and their roommate, who I had vaguely known in high school. I'm not at all into Kpop, but I was lonely, and willing to try and discover a bit of it because why not, maybe I could like it too. They were ok friends until I needed support. I remember the day when Jonghyun killed himself, I wasn't really doing well either, had come to visit them at their place and they were more interested in the death of this guy they never knew rather than their depressed and suicidal friend in the same room who needed someone to comfort her. That gave me a very bad idea that, thankfully, I didn't act on.

One of these three would come to my dorm room, dump her issues on me for 20 minutes, then I'd try and talk to her about mine and after about 5 minutes she'd put on kpop and sing. I even told her that I self-harmed in an attempt to get some support, and her only response was "stop it", not even a hug, or "what's wrong". Needless to say I distanced myself soon after.

I traveled with another one (a Korean exchange student I met on a friendless New Year's Eve) who I believe has NPD, or at least is heavy in narcissistic traits. I felt uneasy with her but thought I just had a crush, because I tend to confuse excitement and anxiety (and crushes are extremely stressful for me), but something didn't feel right with her still, I couldn't eat in her presence without feeling sick, I was constantly either overly jumpy or straight up dissociating, the red flags were blatant. I didn't see them because... well, loneliness + generally being a big fawner at the time. Overly friendly at first, called me her best friend after only one month, a massive circle of superficial friendships all kpop fans (the weird thing is, she got mad at me because I told her I wasn't there for the kpop/Korea factor), very materialistic, a big attention seeker, always complaining that I wouldn't make plans but doing everything so her plans would take over mine, so I would just end up following along. We traveled three times together, on the first it was great, on the second I was dissociating nearly all the time and unable to eat, she'd scold me for it constantly, and on the third she treated me like dirt except when she needed me to take an instagram pic of her. I exited after this one. We were supposed to travel to Italy with her guy friend after but I think I dodged a bullet by not going. Had a bad feeling about what she was possibly planning to do with him.

It took me until March of this year to eat into a restaurant again without feeling like I'm gonna pass out or vomit and I still cannot eat Korean food or imagine myself traveling with someone without feeling nausea. I'm getting better though. But it took 4 years and we only were friends for 4 months.

I don't want to make new offline friends because they'd just be tools to me, to fill a "void" of sorts, and I don't want to use people as tools just to forget them as soon as I manage to move away. The idea of just using someone like that makes me sick. At least I can carry online friends with me everywhere that I go. I'll end up making offline friends again at some point though, just not now. I'm pretty sure this time around will be much better, because I'm older first, but also because I'm addressing my past traumas and such, and healing them.

That was quite an emotional read. But it's impressive to see how clear the bigger picture is for you. I went through a somewhat similar phase not with friends but with romantic partners. For almost 8 years I made the conscious decision not to engage with that part of my life because it was clear that I was not internally able to form honest relationships. I really hope you'll manage to work through your past traumas.
 
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I only really got offline friends. There's people that I like chatting with on discord and shit, but there's a big disconnect of not being face to face. Though since I've left school I haven't seen most of my irl friends lately. Who knows how many I'll still know in a few years.
 
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If you don't mind me asking, what kind of disconnect do you feel?
I think its because I can never tell how truthful someone is online. I'm not proud of it, but I can be pretty disingenuous. Mainly out of amusing myself but also because of wanting people to believe I am who I want to be, not who I really am. So I try to be cautious of this in others. I try not to do this anymore but its a process.

In IRL, I'm pretty open and honest. Even if I wanted to lie, I'm not very good at it. So its easy for me to make genuine connections to people.
 
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niuenso

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I think its because I can never tell how truthful someone is online. I'm not proud of it, but I can be pretty disingenuous. Mainly out of amusing myself but also because of wanting people to believe I am who I want to be, not who I really am. So I try to be cautious of this in others. I try not to do this anymore but its a process.

In IRL, I'm pretty open and honest. Even if I wanted to lie, I'm not very good at it. So its easy for me to make genuine connections to people.
Ah, that's genuinely fascinating. Appreciate the honest answer.
 
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flaskSheaf

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I have lots of friends that I met irl but they moved and so in a sense they're online friends now, but I think that's a different dynamic than having a friendship that started and only runs online. I have actually only had one or two online friends in the latter sense, and none now. I think my internet use is just too sporadic to sustain those kinds of relationships for very long.
 
Online. I stopped having offline friends about 4 years ago when I dropped out of university.

I was pretty traumatized by friendships during that time. They were shitty for the most part because I had gone out of a long period of solitude and desperately wanted friends. My uni friends were k-pop fans, two twin girls and their roommate, who I had vaguely known in high school. I'm not at all into Kpop, but I was lonely, and willing to try and discover a bit of it because why not, maybe I could like it too. They were ok friends until I needed support. I remember the day when Jonghyun killed himself, I wasn't really doing well either, had come to visit them at their place and they were more interested in the death of this guy they never knew rather than their depressed and suicidal friend in the same room who needed someone to comfort her. That gave me a very bad idea that, thankfully, I didn't act on.

One of these three would come to my dorm room, dump her issues on me for 20 minutes, then I'd try and talk to her about mine and after about 5 minutes she'd put on kpop and sing. I even told her that I self-harmed in an attempt to get some support, and her only response was "stop it", not even a hug, or "what's wrong". Needless to say I distanced myself soon after.

I traveled with another one (a Korean exchange student I met on a friendless New Year's Eve) who I believe has NPD, or at least is heavy in narcissistic traits. I felt uneasy with her but thought I just had a crush, because I tend to confuse excitement and anxiety (and crushes are extremely stressful for me), but something didn't feel right with her still, I couldn't eat in her presence without feeling sick, I was constantly either overly jumpy or straight up dissociating, the red flags were blatant. I didn't see them because... well, loneliness + generally being a big fawner at the time. Overly friendly at first, called me her best friend after only one month, a massive circle of superficial friendships all kpop fans (the weird thing is, she got mad at me because I told her I wasn't there for the kpop/Korea factor), very materialistic, a big attention seeker, always complaining that I wouldn't make plans but doing everything so her plans would take over mine, so I would just end up following along. We traveled three times together, on the first it was great, on the second I was dissociating nearly all the time and unable to eat, she'd scold me for it constantly, and on the third she treated me like dirt except when she needed me to take an instagram pic of her. I exited after this one. We were supposed to travel to Italy with her guy friend after but I think I dodged a bullet by not going. Had a bad feeling about what she was possibly planning to do with him.

It took me until March of this year to eat into a restaurant again without feeling like I'm gonna pass out or vomit and I still cannot eat Korean food or imagine myself traveling with someone without feeling nausea. I'm getting better though. But it took 4 years and we only were friends for 4 months.

I don't want to make new offline friends because they'd just be tools to me, to fill a "void" of sorts, and I don't want to use people as tools just to forget them as soon as I manage to move away. The idea of just using someone like that makes me sick. At least I can carry online friends with me everywhere that I go. I'll end up making offline friends again at some point though, just not now. I also plan to meet offline most of my online friends. I'm pretty sure this time around will be much better, because I'm older first, but also because I'm addressing my past traumas and such, and healing them.
I know you will do good in this aspect of life. Whishing you the best things to come, and the strength to deal with necessary adversity. You've got this!
 
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I've always lived with a co-worker mentality when it comes to interacting with people, both offline as well as online. There's a stereotype I've seen people been placed into of introverted people who never speak in real life, yet are total goofs online; from my experience at least, I can't say that this is true.

I can talk with people more or less adequately, and I can even be funny sometimes. I have noticed however, that the tone with which people interact with me is different from how they treat others whom I would consider them to be "friends" with.

In all honesty, this is probably my fault, or maybe not. It may not even be a problem, as I might prefer it this way. I try to break out of this mentality on occasion, yet I never really succeed.

As I said, the same is true online.
I would consider this to summarize my attitude well enough:
I consider it a category all of its own, where you can satisfy the mental need of socializing, but not much the emotional or physical need.
Although I have only been here for a week, I doubt this site will be any different.

There's lots which I am leaving out, of course, but I'd like to get to the real reason behind this post:

So basically, and not to sound like a total 4Kids villain here, but what is "friendship"?
In my case, it usually amounts to not being uncomfortable around people, but I believe that there is more to it than that.

I have a suspicion that my relationships with people are not as deep as they should be, or maybe they are. Maybe I'm doing everything right, as right as any sociable person should be, yet, still, everything feels so wrong.

I've not written even half my thoughts on the subject, and I see now that this post is all over the place due to that fact, but basically,

Tldr:
Idk lol :lainDissatisfied:
I might not have any friends online or offline
But I've already written like 6 paragraphs of text, and I don't want to just delete all that effort
 
I've always lived with a co-worker mentality when it comes to interacting with people, both offline as well as online. There's a stereotype I've seen people been placed into of introverted people who never speak in real life, yet are total goofs online; from my experience at least, I can't say that this is true.

I can talk with people more or less adequately, and I can even be funny sometimes. I have noticed however, that the tone with which people interact with me is different from how they treat others whom I would consider them to be "friends" with.

In all honesty, this is probably my fault, or maybe not. It may not even be a problem, as I might prefer it this way. I try to break out of this mentality on occasion, yet I never really succeed.

As I said, the same is true online.
I would consider this to summarize my attitude well enough:

Although I have only been here for a week, I doubt this site will be any different.

There's lots which I am leaving out, of course, but I'd like to get to the real reason behind this post:

So basically, and not to sound like a total 4Kids villain here, but what is "friendship"?
In my case, it usually amounts to not being uncomfortable around people, but I believe that there is more to it than that.

I have a suspicion that my relationships with people are not as deep as they should be, or maybe they are. Maybe I'm doing everything right, as right as any sociable person should be, yet, still, everything feels so wrong.

I've not written even half my thoughts on the subject, and I see now that this post is all over the place due to that fact, but basically,

Tldr:
Idk lol I might not have any friends online or offline and I've already written like 6 paragraphs of text, and I don't want to just delete all that effort :lainDissatisfied:
I have similar experiences, so my mind filled the places you didn't mention. For now, I am kinda neutral about the phenomenon.
 
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handoferis

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I am 100% shit at meeting people in meatspace. Most of my friends that I would call "IRL" friends I initially met online in some capacity or met at various jobs. The difference for me really is that once I have a rapport with someone and have done stuff IRL with them on a few occasions, they become vastly more important to me than someone I've only ever talked to online. Meat interactions > keyboard interactions, but also I view exclusively online friends as a lot more ephemeral and likely to disappear without warning, so I don't invest as much effort.
 
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DonRamon131

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I don't even have friends irl nor online lol
I can talk with people more or less adequately, and I can even be funny sometimes. I have noticed however, that the tone with which people interact with me is different from how they treat others whom I would consider them to be "friends" with.
I know that feeling. It's like whenever some co-worker starts talking to me they completely switch to a more serious tone, but that's because I'm serious like 99% of the time (some people even take me for someone who's angry/mad which is not the case), so the interaction tend to be uncanny and really off sometimes. What I've been doing more recently is to just say whatever is on your mind and not think too much about it, despite not liking talk for the sake of talking; it makes getting along with co-workers a lot easier and overtime you may even find joy in it if you are with the right person.
 
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