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Same-sex parenting and lack of father figures

bnuungus

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Made it to page 3 before I just stopped reading the replies. I hate it when people go into stuff like this with an already pre-made mindset and do everything they can to force the conversation that way even if people tell them that that's not what's going on. Anyways whatever.

I'm a bit young for that (in our current era, since in 1975 people were having their first kid at my age), but I'm thinking about raising a family someday. I don't know if it'll ever come to fruition, but the desire is here. I'm definitely not planning on spending my life alone anyway, despite the supposed "freedom" and "empowerment" of being a single childless woman. But the issue is, I'd want my kids to have an actual father figure. I didn't really have one, myself, and there's plenty of evidence suggesting that kids without a father figure fare well worse in childhood like in adulthood, so I wouldn't want to impose that on my kids.

Problem is, I can't see myself marrying a man. The smell of testosterone doesn't turn me on, and I even quite dislike it. Very rarely does a man pass by and his perfume-free smell doesn't smell bad to me, and if that's the case, it's 100% of the time an old man. It makes sense, as testosterone levels decrease with age. I can't see myself going to bed with a man and waking up in that smell of testosterone, or having a man touch me this way. I can't even say "oh Aral, just get a trans woman", because those people are biologically male still. The smell doesn't lie. You can take all the hormones you'd like, your chromosomes stay XX or XY if we don't count the occasional intersex. Raising children with a woman is possible, but where's the father figure? Is it even natural for two people of the same sex to raise a child? I wouldn't mind being a stepmother, especially if the kid has a dad, but... I'm already afraid of fucking up any kid I would pop out by potentially being emotionally/psychologically abusive and not realizing it, what if the kid just doesn't have all that is required to grow up right and to become a well-adjusted adult? I don't want to go the single mother route, especially since I wouldn't want just one kid, but two relatively close in age, or twins. I think it's better for a child to have two parents, a mother figure and a father figure, like it should be. Not to mention the family unit is being purposely destroyed and I refuse to take part in this destruction.

It's so complicated for me whenever I think about raising a family because of that. No husband, a wife, but then how about the kids' development? How about their future? Their mental health in a world that's growing more and more chaotic by the day? And what if neither me nor my wife can stay at home and raise the kids? It's just such a clusterfuck. The right way to do things would be for me to find some guy to marry, have kids, and voila. But if the parents clearly don't love each other, or worse, if it's an unrequited love situation, that gives the shittiest example possible to kids, also. The damn thing is so complicated for me that I have trouble even making a coherent paragraph. Too stream-of-consciousness, I need to be more organized.

What would you think about same-sex parenting? Do you think that kids can grow up well-adjusted with two parents of the same sex, provided they're happy and well taken care of?
I think the problem really is more fundamental than having a physical father. I think it's very clear that there are not too many good role models for men but I would also argue there's not to many good role models for women either. And there certainly aren't any good role models for men and women interacting. I have 5 sisters and 0 brothers so it was actually more difficult for me to relate to men but I found a group of very close friends in college that helped me understand my own gender. Like eris said, it really does take a village. We are shaped by many people in our lives, not just our parents. I feel like if you try your best as a parent and show your child that you really do love them, that's about the best you can do. None of us are perfect and we will mess up but that doesn't mean we should stop trying or that we shouldn't bring kids into the world. On the topic of community though, that as well is pretty much gone from our society and to me, that's my biggest fear for my future children. As for the LGBT stuff, I really can't say. I have only ever encountered one person who was raised by a same sex couple and it was just a random classmate in college that I never interacted with. I forget who said it in this thread but I think things would be clearer in general if you found someone you want to marry first (simple and easy task for sure) and then go from there as to whether you want kids with them. Sorry if this was all over the place but I wanted to touch on a lot of points. I think these sorts of questions are a very important thing to ask yourself but I would also say to not worry too much about it. The steps forward for having kids will be much more apparent when you find someone you want to live with for your whole life and questions that only cause vague worries now will instead give you concrete steps. I really wish you the best of luck, Aral, it's very admirable what you're doing here
 
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RisingThumb

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Begging your pardon, but 99+% of people aren't aware of that method;
It's giving it a name. The socratic dialogue is just asking questions to understand someone better. Empathy is all about understanding someone better. Some people can do this without asking questions, some can't, but the central point is reaching a shared understanding.
No one can do as God can. Everything we can bring before him are as rags. God loves his believers; this is why Christ came. The previous generation under the law and prophets knew God to be a fact; and they still disobeyed him.
I slightly disagree here. God loves his believers, but disavowed the Jews, the curtain torn, and opened everyone up to receiving the Grace of God so long as they accepted and believed in Jesus Christ. When you say the previous generation, it's the Jews yes, but the Jews themselves split into different groups. The main one Jesus disagreed with, were those who used and abused the Talmud, the Oral Law, to get away with ignoring the words of God. These were the Pharisees, but I usually just call them the Edomites as they descend from them and this goes back to the story of Jacob and Esau. They're pretty much just Jews in name, and not action or beliefs. In some ways, you can hearken our current Zionists and Jews to these Edomites, but that's getting into the weeds of things.
The sin that caused Lucifer to fall was pride, he wanted to be glorified like God.
Most commentators relate Lucifer's fall to Pride, but the Book of Revlation only tells of the war in Heaven, and that Satan was cast down to lead the world astray. This leap of faith ends up being the starting point for Paradise lost and other Gnostic-like texts.
We do not deny pleasure; we try to deny ungodly pleasure. I was an adulterer; I visited prostitutes, strippers. Those were someone's daughter...what if they were trafficked? I slept with married women; anyone who would have me and I was empty. I drank after I got out. I made mistakes. Moral relativism lead me down a path that was ungodly. That caused me to be hurtful to people. To cause suffering.
How many times in your life have you shutdown your computer after masturbating to something foul and felt genuinely good about yourself. This is the first clue that it's gravely unhealthy. This is a meme across the entire internet for a reason. "Post N*t Clairty" as it's called. It's a sign that something is wrong; shame is a sign of something wrong.
Shame is a sign yes, but of something being wrong? People in cruel justice systems, are shamed back in line, and are ashamed to step out of line. Even in our western world, it's often a shame for anyone in left-leaning families or groups to come out as Christian. Shame is just one of many emotions. I think listening closer to your emotions, listening to your body's health, your feeling, your gut. Ungodly pleasures or "post nut clarity" will make one of those senses go haywire and you'll feel it, maybe slowly dulling and rusting you aware, but you'll definitely feel it. Most people do not have the will to act on what their senses tell them(those with poor will), or their senses are so dulled(addict types), or they've denied them so long they distrust them(academic types). If you can listen to those, then moral relativism can help achieve creations beyond yourself, the act that embodies God the Father as seen in Genesis.
They turned his temple into a den of thieves. They gambled, swindled, changed money, and made the temple about money over God. He had the authority to do what he did.
I've bolded 2 parts to think about here. Here's a quote from the screwtape letters regarding it.
We produce this sense of ownership not only by pride but by confusion. We teach them not to notice the different senses of the possessive pronoun – the finely graded differences that run from "my boots" through "my dog," "my servant," "my wife," "my father," "my master," and "my country," to "my God." They can be taught to reduce all these senses to that of "my boots," the "my" of ownership. Even in the nursery a child can be taught to mean by "my teddy bear," not the old imagined recipient of affections to whom it stands in a special relation (for that is what the Enemy will teach them to mean if we are not careful), but "the bear I can pull to pieces if I like." And at the other end of the scale, we have taught people to say "my God" in a sense not really very different from "my boots," meaning "the God on whom I have a claim for my distinguished services and whom I exploit from the pulpit – the God I have done a corner in."
The Jewish ruling class.The Sanhedrin and the High Priest, specifically. The Sanhedrin was ruled by the Saducees and the Pharisees, of whom Christ Jesus repeatedly called out, with authority.
I misunderstood. I agree completely.
So none for the Apostle Paul?
Note I said Gospels. If it was across the New Testament, I have a lot of respect for Paul as he was instrumental in the early Christian Church, especially being the Apostle for the Gentiles. This note about it being the Gospels is important. Paul isn't from the original 12 apostles of Christ.
So then by your own admission, you see yourself as a judge; but do not extend the same to others?
Ultimately, I'm not a Christian. Of course I judge, the same way you judge that my previous message was worth a response. You need to have values to judge something on those values. In beliefs, I'm a Christian Agnostic, I agree mostly in the morals put forward by Christianity, but I don't believe in the God the Father or God the Holy Spirit, and only see Jesus Christ as a man with a lot of good points.
Any church that changes it stance when politics pressure them; well they aren't really churches unto God, because they bowed before human beings. God doesn't change in this regard. If the Anglicans fly LGBT pride flags, you can be sure that a number of us consider them to be apostates.
The protestant church changed it stance regarding divorce and annulment when Henry the 8th was around. Also changed the stance around the inclusion or exclusion of the Apocrypha from the Bible(not as Biblical canon, but as further reading). When you dig into the origin of the Church, the Church that retains the most of the original traditions is the Orthodox Church. Even the Catholics are very lukewarm in their traditions, as you'll see in lent. Of course the vast majority of Christians are lukewarm Christians and all that's really important is staying away from Sin, and belief in Christ for the Grace of God. Just mere Christianity. The schism of the church, between the Orthodox and the Roman Catholics, leaves most people to pick either or.

When you dig into the early Christian Church, and when you dig into the selection of which books are valid in your chosen Bible and the apocryphal texts, you see how politics applies to almost all churches.

Ultimately I respect you housepoopr as you're willing to substantiate your beliefs. The main point I was making was your delivery was an insult. The Golden Rule is something to think about. A consistent Christian will want the way they treat others done to themselves. If you're going to deliver on anger to overwhelm and insult someone, you have to be prepared and want to receive the same in return. It draws a lot of comparisons to notions of "you reap what you sow" and Buddhist Karma. If someone is a Christian believer, and is behaving in a poor way, they shouldn't just expect that returned, but want that returned to be consistent in the Golden Rule. In this way a sadistic Christian is a masochist.

Purgatory
Depends on your Biblical Canon whether or not this exists. Protestants like housepoopr wouldn't as it's mentioned in the book of Maccabees(2 Maccabees 12:46) which Martin Luther nuked out of the Protestant Bible because it favours Catholic Teachings. Even within the sects of Christianity there is bickering and squabbling over the teachings, that you almost wonder if they learnt from the book of Job with what happened to his theologian "friends". In my opinion, the application of theology and Christian Apologetics is just an appeal to reason and not a substitute for faith(and those who use these are more likely than not, only Christian in name, as they substitute faith).

When you think of Purgatory as existing, some works like Paradise Lost and Dante's Divine Comedy(specifically the part in purgatory lol) make a lot more sense.
 
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alix

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People loves to joke that jews are obsessed with money, but to me, there is no religious group more materialistic than protestants.

Protestant megachurches always reminded me to the NBA stadiums, i wonder how many millions they do per mass thanks to tithe, and how many taxes they can avoid while doing so, like bro, fucking kenneth copeland lives in a multimillion mansion and lives tax free due to american laws exempting them from paying taxes
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Fr, some of the greediest and most sinning people I have ever seen are protestants
 
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the people that claim Jews are obsessed w money just happen to be those very protestants! go figure....
Now that you mention, makes a lot of sense, which is awful because i've actually met jewish people irl and online, one of my closest online friend was jewish, and he is like, the most generou motherfucker in the world. :pepdogsta:
 
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Fr, some of the greediest and most sinning people I have ever seen are protestants
Completely agree, and i know about this because protestantism is the dominant religion of Guatemala (alongside with western central america)
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alix

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Oh, nah that's just housepoopr, he is autistic and his hiperfixation is christinity, oh well, his own very unique and kinda reactionary interpretation of christianity (which most of it being so radical it stops being christianity altogether and is just plain good old ideological bigotry), so these sort of stuff are expected to happen, my tip, be patience with the special fellow.
Housepoopr is that TikTok girl that treated the Bible like a fandom (jokes, ships, etc), but if she was a grown Kentucky man
 
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Remember_Summer_Days

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Fucking hell this tread has gotten absolutely derailed. This thread isn't about LGBT violence stats and their correct interpretation, Protestantism vs Catholicism, how much of a larper, Christian autist, etc housepoor might be, or fucking jew/protestan greed. Refer back to Aral's OP about being a lesbian and worrying about paternal figures. If not this thread will be locked. If you guys want to discuss all that other stuff make a thread about it.

Also, in general keep discussions about the character of someone to PM's lmao. Having that drama in public doesn't help our community
 
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Voicedrew

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Hopefully to re-rail the conversation, I really respect @Aral of Xiaohe's concern. Many people (rather self absorbed people, imo) in this day and age dispense with the idea of having children, raising children, or even optimizing their environment(society?) for the upbringing of children, in exchange for simple hedonic pleasure. I applaud your virtue, Aral.
 
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Remember_Summer_Days

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Aral is very wise for having these sort of concerns. Regardless of what you think about homosexual marriage, having two males/females raise a child, as far as I'm aware, is *really* experimental and LGBT couple should think deeply about this issue. Not only do you have to adopt (or most of the times you do), but you also have to raise a child in an unconvential way that has until recently started being studied. This is not to say that same-sex parenting can't work, but surely there's issues and obstacles that have to be kept into consideration.
 
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handoferis

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Fucking hell this tread has gotten absolutely derailed. This thread isn't about LGBT violence stats and their correct interpretation, Protestantism vs Catholicism, how much of a larper, Christian autist, etc housepoor might be, or fucking jew/protestan greed. Refer back to Aral's OP about being a lesbian and worrying about paternal figures. If not this thread will be locked. If you guys want to discuss all that other stuff make a thread about it.

Also, in general keep discussions about the character of someone to PM's lmao. Having that drama in public doesn't help our community
Is there a split thread feature similar to IPB had for mods? Might be good to split off the derail posts somewhere else so that people who don't read to the end don't end up re-derailing.
 
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Remember_Summer_Days

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Is there a split thread feature similar to IPB had for mods? Might be good to split off the derail posts somewhere else so that people who don't read to the end don't end up re-derailing.
I don't think so, I'll let Pirate know about this. Cause this is a good idea.

Still, for a thread like this it got derailed so hard and into so many places that like 3 different threads would need to be made to keep everything organized lmao.
 
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I think too much weight is put upon the father-mother-figure debate. What is more important in my view is whether you treat your child like a pet/accessoire/burden or as your successor, whom you train, and equip with all your knowledge and skills, and prepare for the world, so that they become an individual with agency, able to make their own decisions. Even if they end up going against you. I like that you openly state disliking the comparison between having children and owning a dog.
I wouldn't worry too much about it, your post tells me you already have a better mindset than most parents have. It's a good post. Ignore any pressure to comply with the ISO-standard Good Family Dynamic™, too many try to do that already, regardless of sexual orientation, and forget to actually be good parents.
 

starbreaker

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What would you think about same-sex parenting? Do you think that kids can grow up well-adjusted with two parents of the same sex, provided they're happy and well taken care of?
There are lots of children of opposite-sex parents who don't grow up "well-adjusted" -- just like there are lots of children who attended government-run schools and didn't learn any social skills or develop a sense of community. Furthermore, what does "well-adjusted" even mean in our society? Why would you want a child to be "well-adjusted" to creeping authoritarianism and totalitarian capitalism?
 

Remember_Summer_Days

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This is not exclusive to same-sex parents, but just parenthood in general. A lot of people like to say 'as long as you love your child everything will be fine'. I mean I would like that to be true, but is it really? Nobody will be this pure being of love, plus there's so many complications that can arise when raising a child that appealing to abstract love is not a good strategy to be honest. I'm not sure I can answer the this question though, What makes a great parent? Although being loving is, of course, a good place to start, I can't be too confident in that strategy. Then again, that's the only thing most people can hope to attain.
 
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Voicedrew

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This is not exclusive to same-sex parents, but just parenthood in general. A lot of people like to say 'as long as you love your child everything will be fine'. I mean I would like that to be true, but is it really? Nobody will be this pure being of love, plus there's so many complications that can arise when raising a child that appealing to abstract love is not a good strategy to be honest. I'm not sure I can answer the this question though, What makes a great parent? Although being loving is, of course, a good place to start, I can't be too confident in that strategy. Then again, that's the only thing most people can hope to attain.
I have to imagine that this is the utility of the mother/father dichotomy; The role of the mother being acceptance and compassion, and the father's being one of correction and encouragement. To much of one or the other and problems arise. There is that polcomp meme about liblefts having a bad relationship with their father and authrights having a bad relationship with their mother. I don't know what to make of that, but I think it offers an interesting insight.

@Aral of Xiaohe potentially relevant video for you?

Rubin obviously is going to have more resources than you, but you might be able to get something out of it.
 
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Aral of Xiaohe

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There are lots of children of opposite-sex parents who don't grow up "well-adjusted" -- just like there are lots of children who attended government-run schools and didn't learn any social skills or develop a sense of community. Furthermore, what does "well-adjusted" even mean in our society? Why would you want a child to be "well-adjusted" to creeping authoritarianism and totalitarian capitalism?
I meant by well-adjusted, a mentally healthy human being. Even if that means they're part of the "only sane ones".
 
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dargon

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I couldn't have predicted racism in this topic

anyway
I'm no expert in psychology but a child will eventually find a paternal figure, even if that is some funny friend a bit older,
and for as far as not having a father, the concept of the father necessity is a "modern" idea, since ancient greek i'd say, diversity is necessary, and that includes different ways of thinking etc and that comes in how society divides ppl in today's way yada yada, but it isn't a must to have a man in your first grade relatives, the bare concept of gender as we know is artificial as indigenous ppl didn't have them and turned out fine (that topic is very cool as they didn't even had the sexuality discourse, it was all """fluidic""" and everyone did what they want)

the idea is just be kind to the kid and he'll be kind to others, teach him how to overcome struggles and he won't have suicide tendencies or nazi mindset
of course it is easier said than done

there's plenty cishet mans in the world for the future generations to look up for if that's your big concern

I'd risk say that kids without gen X, or before, fathers turn out better
You gotta be hella tough to filter good knowledge from than and break stupid hate and opressive cycles
and you get femboys in return


apart from this, I genuinely think it's very funny you explained the sum of your sexual interest in smells
can't have stinky hormones partners

it is scientifically explained that hormones smell different and play major part in sex all around nature, don't know what those guys where arguing ab, is almost common sense
but I think that smelling necessarily bad may be weird, as far as I know it shouldn't be good, the idea is that although it smells funny it attracts and eventually you get used to it
don't know if that makes sense, prob don't bc idk what I'm talking ab
 
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gwen

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I meant by well-adjusted, a mentally healthy human being. Even if that means they're part of the "only sane ones".
I think i'm an example. My biological parents divorced when i was 8 or 9 and my mom married her same-sex partner. My dad never remarried. Today i'm close with both of them and have plenty of other role models of both sexes.

I'm different because i came by a different path but even so i think i turned out ok. I see no reason to think the exact sexual combination of parental figures is of itself the determining factor. It clearly begs the question from my point of view. Why in the world to assume the nuclear husband/wife dynamic so centrally important, when many cultures (including in the West) traditionally raised children in community? Our present state of dysfunction arose directly out of the nuclear binary paradigm!
 
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