The Archbishop of Cyprus is Dead. [And I assume the role of the new Archbishop.]

[VaporwaveHistorian]

Dear people of Agora Road and the whole world,

The old bad archbishop of Cyprus is dead. That's right. He had some very bad shit going on, racism and pro-conflict kinda stuff AND serious criminal shit, you get the idea.

The archbishop position of Nova Justiniana and All Cyprus (Αρχιεπίσκοπος Νέας Ιουστινιανής και Πάσης Κύπρου) is currently empty.


Therefore I, Karl or VaporwaveHistorian as you all know me, appoint myself to this position.

From now on, I am to be known under the name of Karolos Yarakios (Κάρολος Γιαράκιος). I shall be referred to as Most Holy (Παναγιώτατος).

Why am I better?

• I am not racist.
• I am pro-peace.
• I am not homophobic.
• Black looks good on me.
• I have a cool name.
• I won't do criminal shit behind the curtain.
• I am honoured to assume this duty.

Now you shall carry on with your days. Thank you for your attention.

Note: I actually emailed the Church of Cyprus. I'm waiting for the reply:

Salutations Honourable People of the Church of Cyprus,

I am Karl Joseph. I am writing you today to express my wish in wanting to partake in the (s)election of the next Archbishop of Nova Justiniana and All Cyprus. I am a confident man who believes in his abilities to do good and offer all he can to improve the conditions of fellow Cypriots and non-Cypriots alike.

I believe that I could volunteer in such a great matter because I have the genuine desire to make this land a better place. I think I am a great candidate because of the list that follows:

I accept people for who they are. I am very nice to different communities. I am not racist.

I am pro-peace. I don't hurt people. I sometimes get into fistfights when the other party is willing to set things right but that's about it.

I am not homophobic. I like queers. I have queer best friends. You could say that I am queer myself. Wouldn't it be nice to have a queer religious authority to show kids that we are nice people?

Black looks good on me. I have a good fashion sense.

I have a cool name. If I get elected, I will make it even cooler by turning it into Karolos.

I won't do criminal things behind the curtain. I know how bad it was on the news when the former scandals went around, but I believe I can turn the Church of Cyprus around.

I think I should be considered a great candidate.

I want to wish you all a great day or night! I hope you consider my kindness!



Sincerely with my best wishes,

Karl Joseph (or Karolos, exclusively for you).

 

[ignika98]

Dear people of Agora Road and the whole world,

The old bad archbishop of Cyprus is dead. That's right. He had some very bad shit going on, racism and pro-conflict kinda stuff AND serious criminal shit, you get the idea.

The archbishop position of Nova Justiniana and All Cyprus (Αρχιεπίσκοπος Νέας Ιουστινιανής και Πάσης Κύπρου) is currently empty.


Therefore I, Karl or VaporwaveHistorian as you all know me, appoint myself to this position.

From now on, I am to be known under the name of Karolos Yarakios (Κάρολος Γιαράκιος). I shall be referred to as Most Holy (Παναγιώτατος).

Why am I better?

• I am not racist.
• I am pro-peace.
• I am not homophobic.
• Black looks good on me.
• I have a cool name.
• I won't do criminal shit behind the curtain.
• I am honoured to assume this duty.

Now you shall carry on with your days. Thank you for your attention.

Note: I actually emailed the Church of Cyprus. I'm waiting for the reply:


View attachment 43120

As a Cypriot myself, I reject any archbishop that ISN'T racist and homophobic.

Also >emailing the Cypriot government
I guarantee that email address doesn't even work and if it does, it isn't ever checked.

 

[Little River Aral]

You're an absolute madlad. I love you.

 

[VaporwaveHistorian]

As a Cypriot myself, I reject any archbishop that ISN'T racist and homophobic.

Don't worry man I can handle that very easily if that's what they want

Also >emailing the Cypriot government
I guarantee that email address doesn't even work and if it does, it isn't ever checked.

Nah it was the pretty active site of the Church of Cyprus and I emailed both the personal secretary and the general secretaries of the Archbishop. It should work, I guess?

 

[VaporwaveHistorian]

You're an absolute madlad. I love you.

My time to rise through the ranks has come. I am a man of opportunity. Thank you, Aral

 

[VaporwaveHistorian]

I think the Church of Cyprus should clean itself and become... more in touch with the real world, you know? Especially the youth. When the youth wants to be religious, they should be able to look up to some strong and kind figures. Not racist old lads who use their position to shelter international fugitive&conman kinds of situations, you know?

Anyway. Either the Church of Cyprus cleans itself, or I start a new Church of Cyprus and get declared a heretic & banished by the entirety of the Orthodox (and maybe even Christian) world.

The thing is that it's getting more and more real. It's only been a day since I started impersonating the Archbishop of Nova Justiniana and All Cyprus [this was a sentence I never would have thought I would write in my life]. Maybe it's the psychosis but I'm getting knee-deep into this. Okay, I named myself Karolos Yarakios and shit (yarak meaning dick in my native), but I have great intentions. I looked up ways to become a bishop just to be able to exercise my power better. I need to study theology but the colleges here only focus on Islamic studies and I couldn't find any online remote free degree programs. I can still complete courses by watching course recordings on youtube, though. Just not have a diploma. But it's the effort that matters. Anything for my people.

I am gonna make an official statement criticising the Pope's condolences as he highlights the "peaceful" personality of the old Archbishop. I should be the one that criticises the old religious authority. I should show the youth the path. That racism, homophobia, and sheltering criminals are not in the Bible. That supporting groups that hate the other half of the island are not something glorious or religious. I will advocate for peace.

I need to study religion more so I can guide people or offer them some kind of solidarity. So that I can openly challenge the Church of Cyprus in case they elect another fucked-up Archbishop. I could create a Church of Cyprus vol 2: Electric Boogaloo (of course legally unaccepted but the effort of splitting up and rebelling would make people stand up for a cause and get a following, maybe). But I don't want possible die-hard orthodox churchmen coming after me lol.


The funniest thing? I'm not even Orthodox. Never attended church.
I'm not even Christian. But I guess it's the thought that matters. Tell me, is it a worse thing to advocate for hate using your religious position, or try to learn about a religion that's not yours to guide folks with a heart full of good intentions?



Anyway, unrelated but I think I should get new antipsychotic meds prescribed.

 

[Mеченый Яков]

This is for the old Archbishop

This is for my pal Karl new god emperor of cyprus who strives for equality and progress.

 

[Jessica3cho雪血⊜青意]

Thanks for making my day, Most Holy.

 

[VaporwaveHistorian]

Thanks for making my day, Most Holy.

You are eternally welcome, kind soul.

 

[ECHETLAEUS]

My time to rise through the ranks has come

Good luck reaching the 33rd rank of freemasonry my friend, see you on the top of the mountain.

 

[VaporwaveHistorian]

Since I am the new Archbishop, I will simply allow myself to issue official statements. I have issued my first statement yesterday, and now posting it here. Soon, I will issue another on Pope Francis' condolences for the old Archbishop.

Official Statement #1: On the death of Chrysostomos II of Cyprus​

9 November 2022

Greetings,

On Monday, 7 November 2022, we received the news of the death of Chrysostomos II, the former Archbishop of Nova Justiniana and All Cyprus. He was born Irodotos Dimitriou in 1941 and had been the Archbishop since 2006. The reason for his death was intestinal cancer.

As an Archbishop with a sickness myself, I desire to start my statement by highlighting the cause of death. Illnesses can be quite painful and detrimental to both mental and physical health, as expected. None can know the pain one goes through as the pain expands. Therefore, I will lower a flower of sympathy through words. I encourage anyone who is able to donate to cancer funds.

However, it should be known that a person should be remembered for their mistakes as well, for the mistakes shall never be repeated again. I want to underline the existence of rather racist, anti-peace, and homophobic remarks of Chrysostomos. It should also be known that he was involved in the sheltering of a Malaysian conman and fugitive, Jho Low, under a Cypriot passport. I severely condemn his act of using his power and position to aid illegal activity. A real and honourable Archbishop should not take this path.

To make it clear, I am taking his stance on those various issues as the polar opposite of what I will be up to. I am an advocate for peace. My political opinions back AKEL, the pro-unification side; rather than ELAM, the pro-division/racist side. My stance on the LGBT or queer community is accepting. Everyone deserves a home and a loving embrace no matter their gender, romantic and sexual orientation or lack thereof, nationality, religion or lack thereof, political opinion, or any other social and political cleavage.


My sincere wishes,
The Archbishop of Nova Justiniana and All Cyprus, His Beatitude, Most Holy,
Karolos Yarakios.