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The Tragic Spiral of My Life was Caused by a Single Missed Roll of Toilet Paper

:MedTime: This post was not written by me but an anonymous user from 4chan :MedTime:

Video Games 90S GIF

> Me, 17.
> At friend's house, playing video games and hanging out
> Have to shit really bad
> It's taco bell shits.
> The kind that are really greasy, and takes forever to wipe
> Like, 16 ft. of TP and leaving streaks the whole way through
> Say BRB and hit the bathroom
> Start releasing the colon-ctuhlhu a fraction of a sec before my ass ham-slapped the toilet seat
> Sweet relief.
> Reach for TP. saw roll was all used up.
> Look around. no TP. Anywhere.
> Stranded on the 1st floor of his house without a single square.
> Too awkward to yell for help
> Look around for alternative wipe ammo
> 2 things
> His dad's new car mag
> And his mom's bible
> Faced with an ultimatum
> Dad's huge, loves cars, and prone to aggressiveness
> Mom's a sweet lady, very small and soft-spoken, would feel heavy bad if I did that to her
> Dad could kick my ass

Tiny Lister Friday Movie GIF
> Also, doesn't give a damn about religion
> I rip a few pages from the middle of the old testament
> Christians don't read that shit
> Paper is thin, getting lots of papercuts in my ass crack
> 10 pages later, I'm clean
> Pulling up pants when a second wave hit
> Don't even have time to flush toilet
> Poo lasagna mode engaged
> After 3rd round, I sat for another 20 min just to make sure everything was out
> By now my friend is outside the door asking if I'm OK
> Just say I'll be out in a few, just passing some used burritos
> Clean myself up for the 4th and final time
> By now, about 1/4 of the old testament was noticeably gone
> Toilet has more in it than his plumbing can handle
> After 3rd round, I sat for another 20 min just to make sure everything was out
> By now my friend is outside the door asking if I'm OK
> Just say I'll be out in a few, just passing some used burritos
> Clean myself up for the 4th and final time
> By now, about 1/4 of the old testament was noticeably gone
> Toilet has more in it than his plumbing can handle
> Have to act fast, he's outside the door
> Tried plunging, but there's too much paper
> This time I make sure there's some antibacterial soap by the sink
> Hands can be washed
> Roll up sleeves and reach into toilet to start hand-pulping the solid mass
> as I'm on my knees processing the Purina Romney Chow..
> I notice the full roll of toilet paper that was sitting on the toilet backing the whole time
> wtfdidijustdo.jpg
> flush toilet with elbow, starts over flowing
> half-pages of old testament smeared with shit scattering across the floor
> rip the lid off the tower desperately trying to unstick the cheap-ass plumbing
toilet GIF
> tank empties and something I did fucked it up
> Toilet starts making really loud gurgly chainsaw sound
> Friend starts pounding on door yelling, what am i doing
Over the span of 40 seconds, the sound gets louder and deeper
> turns into a grinding sound wearing down then stops
> whole time in shock with my shit covered hands on my forehead
friend kicks down door, yelling mid sentence, staring at me
> I'm wide eyed, smeared with shit on my face and hands there's some on my jeans heavily brown tinted water and soggy pages of old testament coating the floor mom's bible sitting forgotten on floor, soaked with shit water
> By now, I hear his parent's footsteps coming down the hall
> Stops
> Friend is standing there staring, doesn't know what to do
> His mom comes in shocked, starts tearing up and whimpering a bit
> "My grandmother gave me that bible a month before she died of cancer"
> His dad comes in a few seconds later
> Shocked, but sees the bible pages and starts laughing, Starts walking away, still laughing. He screams at the end of the hall way "Anon, you are FUCKED"
Friend's mom starts wailing and crying "Why did you do that anon?"
> Over and over, hysterical
I start crying too, but I look like a pissed off baboon when I cry
> She thinks I'm sneering at her and walks away crying harder
> I hear his dad cracking a beer in the kitchen
> I turn to friend and say "look, I can-"
> Punched me in the face, cheekbone stinging
> Grabs me by the hood of my jacket and forces me out of his house
> See his mom bawling and picking up a phone as we pass
> Out on street, a mile from my house, no ride, covered in shit and paper
> I start walking back to my house
> 30 min later, a lady stops and asks if I need a ride. I get in
> Lady starts driving
> Get self conscious about the shit drying on me
> She's making small talk
A minute later smells the shit stank and looks at me
> She pulls over to the side hard, my head hits the window
> She starts screaming at me in Chinese, gesturing for me to get out
> Yeah, she was asian, but she had perfect new England accent surprised the shit out of me
> Get out of car
> Later fat guy in a pickup truck asked where I was going
> Offered to let me hop in the cargo bed
> Get ride home
> past parents and take shower
> Try to call friend over and over to explain myself no answer
> 4th try, my friend answered and screamed at me to stop, then hung up
> Over next week, I notice neighbors and classmates looking at me a lot
> Start hearing "mom hater", "satan boy" and "Ass Testament" behind my back
> Sneak
> Nicknames spread through school like wild fire
> Younger kids I've never talked to and barely ever looked at coming up to me and saying them to my face
> One of my closest female friends who is christian got distant and eventually stopped talking with me
> Story gets to the teachers, a few days later I get called into principal's office
> Superintendant is there
> Tells me they're expelling me for "gross ridicule of religious beliefs"
> Mom and dad find out
> Mom starts acting weird around me
> More tense looks at me a lot
> Feels like she thinks she doesn't know me
> Dad thinks I'm just being deviant and I need strict structure and reform
> 2 hours later, he's on the phone with and army recruiter, volunteering me for boot camp
Art Flying GIF by dualvoidanima
> Fast forward to bootcamp
> It's alright at first
> First couple days were sore but a few days in, my body starts going with it
> One day, I get a package from some anon's at my old school
> On the back of each picture there's a nickname
> It was a stack of pictures of me, photoshopped to look like I was wiping my ass with a bible
> Overly curious guy comes over and takes them from me
> A few minutes later whole barracks is sharing the pictures and laughing their asses off
> A couple of them even found out my friend's email and asked for the story
> Later, I notice one of the other guys looking at me a lot
> I find out he comes from an ultra-conservative family and he hates me for what I did
> He bumps into me later and I try to make small talk
> When no one else was listening, he told me that if we were ever in combat, he would shoot me and say it was arabs
> Start noticing the drill sergeants singling me out
> One day we start training with live ammo
> Day of training with live ammo, go to bathroom in the morning
> Barely notice everyone is watching me
> On toilet, realize that all the paper's been removed, and there's nothing in the room except for a bible
> Start yelling, get laughter in response
> everyone goes to training, leaves me there
> fuck no.jpg
> I start ripping pages from that motherfucker and wiping like no tomorrow
> Paper cuts make my anus bleed
> Blood starts dripping everywhere, can't put on uniform without staining it
> Rip out a stack of pages and roll them up, put it in my crack like a hotdog in a bun
> Ripped out some more pages and fashioned myself a makeshift King James diaper
> Wear it under uniform
> Audibly crinkly, but I'm going to be late for training
> Hope we're shooting again
> Turns out to be marching in formation before weapons training
> 10 minutes in the drill sergeant notices the sound
> Drill sergeant makes us stop and asks who is reading the paper
> The guys start looking at me
> Drill sergeant makes me jog in place
> Loud crinkling
> Asks what the hell that sound is
> Throat closes, can't answer
> Orders me to drop my pants
> King James Diaper exposed to the world
> He swears low, and tells me to run 200 laps around the boot camp
> No choice, do it
> an hour later, I'm running through the less visible wooded side of the camp other than mr. Jesus Avenger, who said he would kill me if he could get away with it, pops out from behind a bush
> He's got a bottle of jack Daniels in one hand and a handgun in another
> Smacks me in the face with the bottle and shoots me in the foot
> Pours bottle over my face and in my mouth while I was screaming
> Runs away
> Drill Sergeant comes looking for me
> Incident gets logged and investigated
> Turns out Jesus boy fed them a bullshit story
> Said I've been harassing him about his religion
> and mocking him by defacing his bible
> I get discharged for religious intolerance, drinking, and recklessness
> Found out later he only got a formal warning about going AWOL in the army
> Move back in with parents
> Dad's disappointed in me and mom won't talk to me
> Start putting out job applications
> My name and story have spread, and no business around town wanted anything to do with me
> A month later dad thinks I'm a bum and haven't been looking for a job
> Kicks me out
> Homeless. I start drifting
> This was probably the worst point in my life, but it gets better from here

water street GIF

> Become a vagrant for 2 years
> Dehumanizing and disgusting at first
> Got food from homeless programs during the day
> Went drifter and started going town to town on foot
> Eventually, digging through garbage when I got hungry at night
> First winter, I met and became friends with 2 other drifters
> They're names were Bub and Shaky
> He's called Shaky because he drank so much it fucked his motor functions
> Bub's girlfriend died of a heroin overdose 3 months before
> Met them under a bridge on the outside of town
> We traveled together and kept each other company
> Wake up in the middle of the night once to a weird sound
> Saw they were sucking each other's dicks
> notonetojudge.jpg
> Go back to sleep
> A month later, they tried to kill me
> out of fucking me with
> Bub, Shaky and I were walking through a town one day
> See a $50.00 bill
> We're all thinking "booze!"
> I want Jim Beam, but shaky's an alcoholic
> Wants as much cheap 6.00 vodka as 50 can get
> Fuck you, I found it
> Bub comes at me with a half pair of scissors
> He stabs me twice in the leg, grabs the money
> Dirty ass pals run away
> Never see them again
3 days later get a fever from infection
> Collapse on somebody's stoop for a few hours
> Pus from the wounds seeping through my torn dirty jeans
> A cop pulls up and tells me to keep walking
> Try to stand up, leg hurts too much
> Cop comes over and yanks me to my feet
> Yells "get moving"
> Throws me forward. I grab my leg in pain
> Wounds are open and bleeding again
> Cop finally sees my condition
> He takes me to the homeless shelter the next town over
> Doesn't say a word to me the whole way
> At shelter, a cute redhead comes in with a first aid kit and a box of gloves
> She seemed upbeat and genuinely sorry about my wounds
> First time being treated like a human by a female in a long time
> Sprout boner, throbbing in pants
> She sees, vague look of disgust flashes over her face
>I feel bad and apologize
> She laughs nervously and treats my wounds
> Gives me a tube of topical antibiotic
> Tells me it won't get me high and is only worth a couple bucks
> So much for being treated like human
> After a couple days the wounds start to heal
> Shelter gives the boot, and I get back to drifting
> Fast forward a a few months and it's winter
> Wandering through a new, more urban town, it's 1:00 AM
> Roads are empty
> Found a winter jacket just my size in a goodwill donation bin
> Walking along, I see a lady on a corner
> I know she's a hooker, but she's barely wearing anything
> It's freezing out, she's shivering
> go up to her and say hi
> She asks if I got cash - no
> Tells me to fuck off, sounds tired
> Offer my jacket, she looks at me strange for a few seconds
> Says she can't cover up с on the job
> Thanks me anyways and smiles
> She's not all that skanky looking
> A little worn, but there was still a spark of dignity
> I stayed and made small talk with her
> keep her mind off the cold
> Throws her in the car
> Around 3 AM a dirty Pontiac pulls up
> Heavy set latin guy at the wheel, screams for Denise
> Her name was Denise
> Gives me the thousand yard stare and asks if I'm a customer
> I say no, he tells me to fuck off
> As I walk away, he starts smacking her and asking who I was
> Wonder about her all day
> Sleep in vacant ally
pixel art GIF
> The next night, I came back to that comer and she was there
> She had a black eye, and was counting bills on the sly
> Cautious at first, she says Sam will cut us both up if he sees me again
> I tell her I'm passing through
> Sit behind a box in the alley behind her out of sight
> We talk all night, between customers
> Almost 3. she tells me to get lost before Sam comes around
> I take off
> It goes on like this for almost a month
> We form a bond, we're friends
> The drifter and the hooker
> She jokes that there should be a kids show based on us
> One day Sam came rolling up in his pontiac a few hours early
> Sam pinned me against the wall and pointed a gun at me
> Asked calmly who I was
> I'm anon, just a drifter
> Try to tell him I'm only friends with Denise
> He's got 2 guys with him, they search me for swindled money
> He figures I'm not scoring free poon, I'm too filthy
> Drops me, kicks me, and tells me to fuck off
> I'm tainting the product
> he'll shoot me if he sees me there again
> I dropped in on Denise the next night for only 20 seconds
> I said good bye and walked away
> I never saw her again
> A week later I'm on the edge of the urban side of town eating a can of tuna
> I see Sam's pontiac driving towards me
> I duck into an alley, and he stops the car
> I hear several people behind me, running
> They catch up and tackle me
>I roll over. Sam's staring at me, breathing real heavy
> He pulls out a gun and sits on a crate
> Lights a cigarette, and catches his breath
> Eyes locked whole time
> Finally he says something
> "Denise is the only reason I'm not killing you today"
> Turns out she made up a bunch of shit to not get me killed
> Among those claims are "expert smuggler looking for work"
> Told him I was around all the time. I'm that sneaky
> My mind shits itself a little bit when he asks me if I want to make 2 grand
> Hell yes
> Gives me a bubble wrap manilla folder and told me to take it to the other side of town
> Didn't trust his guys to not get shot
> Told me he'd kill me on the spot if I refused
> Naturally, I accepted
> Told me if I don't go through with it he'd kill Denise
> I told him I would do it
> Gives me folded napkin with an address and "Yellow Beatle" written on it
Pixel 80S GIF

> When I get to the address there's 2 Chinese guys sitting in a beetle
go up to the window
> One sees me, pulls out a gun, stop and pull the envelope out of my coat
> Window rolls down
> I hand him the package and walk away
> A few blocks down, I hear yelling and tires burning out
> Turn, around the beetle is rushing at me
> Passenger with gun pointed out the window
> I hit the ground they drive past, then tuck down a side road
> After a while. I think I lost them
> Walking over bridge over river, gonna hide out until I know they're gone
> Halfway across the bridge the beetle reappears
> I try to run, but get a bullet in the leg
> Car stops, asian guy gets out
> Nobody else around
> Picks me up by collar but it rips
> Grabs me by the neck and shoots me twice in the stomach
> I remember floating downstream, into the wilderness flanking the urbanized town
> Trying desperately to stay afloat
> I got really tired and weak, lost feeling in my arms and legs bumping against rocks
> Last thing I saw was a dot of light onshore ahead
> Wake up
> I'm covered in a brown fleece blanket right next to a roaring fire
> I stand up. My worn clothes are hanging from a stick, drying
> There's a a pair of damp moccasins by the fire, drying
> I look around in a daze. I hear the river rushing a few yards away a fucking teepee pitched under an oak tree
> And a fucking indian standing outside of it, smoking pot
>I try to get up, he tells me to lay and get warm or I'll die
> I lay back down and fall asleep
> A few seconds later, he's shaking me awake
> Tells me it's dangerous to go to sleep that cold
> Turns out the indian, this balding middle aged guy with pot and glasses, is named Hector
> Hector tells me he's making a spiritual journey on foot to Arizona
> He's full Navajo and wants to meet his relatives in a reserve
> Asks if I want to join him
> Say yes, free pot
> We spent the next 6 months walking to Arizona
> At first, I took him for a guy in a midlife crisis, but as we traveled, we bonded
> Taught me how to hunt and fish, and keep myself clean in the wilderness
> How to craft my own clothes and supplies from the fat of the land
> Once we got to the desert regions, he taught me how to survive like a navajo
> He came from a U.S. background, but he's definitely done his research
> One day, we found a peyote plant


> He was really happy, and asked if I wanted the spiritual awakening from his people
> Bastard got all mystic on me and told me I would find my spirit guide
> In the moment. I agree
> Being high on peyote was the most surreal thing I've ever experience
> Strange, soothing sounds all around
> Time and space keep rearranging themselves
> I see a temple made out of eyes
> A fox tapped me on the shoulder then ran inside
> I followed
> There's a human figure made out of water standing next to me
> We walk the same and moved the same
> In the temple there was a roll of toilet paper
> My mind went into this weird, highly perceptive loop
> Weird moment of clarity in the insanity forming all around me
> I realize in this moment the strange nature of life
> A spiral of events, spurred by a single missed roll of toilet paper
> This is fucking insane
> I'm doing peyote in the desert with a drug-addict native american because of TP
> What the hell happened
> The rest of the high was an ocean of blurred images and colors
> Forgot my revelation until much later
> The next day, we reach the reserve
> When we walked into the reserve, we got funny looks
> Half-native outsider with a scruffy white guy
> Apprehension begins to fade once we introduced ourselves to a group of elders outside a trailer
> It's sunset there's a cool breeze
> There's a smattering of Hogans and decorated trailers throughout the reserve
> They let us stay, if we told our stories
> Hector told his, he was a technician in a medium town yearning for his roots
> I told my story, and they laughed
> We stayed the night
> Then the next night
> Nights turn to weeks, to months
> It's weird being accepted after all this
> When we first arrived and got the full affect of the reserve. I don't think it was entirely what Hector was expecting
> He was looking forward to nature and mysticism. The reserve has modernized a bit
> There was Navajo artwork, food, and stories, but we had cable TV, internet, and plumbing
> He was a bit disappointed, but reconciled me "if you're going to chase your dreams, you have to be ready for disappointment"
> The people are nice
> Let us stay
> Eventually I get a job in a nearby town, call center
> Started taking community college classes online for IT
> Studying A+ certification
> Get a job with a tech firm, on salary 26,000 a year starting
>During my stay at the reserve and subsequent success, I caught the interest of a native girl my age
> Her name's Marissa
> Save money, decide it's time to leave
> I donate a few thousand to the reserve as a thank you
> Get airline ticket back to my hometown, where Marissa and I had an apartment and jobs lined up
> Looking forward to seeing my parents
> Planning surprise visit
> Look out window, watching the country fly by below me
> Clear sky
> Remember back on how I walked across the land
> Not mad about anything
> Happy and amazed at how things turned out
> Settling into apartment and job
> I'm clean cut and wearing a suit
> Go back to my parent's old house
> Mom answers the door, looks at me for a few seconds
> Faints
> When she came to, she started crying and hugging and kissing me
> My dad couldn't even believe I was really there
> Dad sheds tears - first time in my life I've ever seen him do that
> A million apologies and excuses
> Said that a few days after he kicked me out he had a change of heart
> Couldn't find me
> 2 years later, thought I was dead
> One of the happiest moments of my life
> Had another moment of happiness 3 weeks later at work
> Three weeks later, I'm at work, working on a queue of PC repairs
> Notice the name attached to one machine labeled "Bad RAM"
> The name is of my old friend, the one who's house this started in
> I replace the RAM, and boot it up
> Proxy string a bunch of CP beast and other nasty depravities onto his HDD
> Hide the folder, power down, repackage
> Later. I do some research and find he's now minister of a local church
> Evil smile
> Place a phone call to the authorities, informing them of what I found
> Next day, his mug shot is in the paper
> Find out he's going to prison, excommunicated from church, and his wife and kids are leaving him
> Kids going to child psychologist to see if he touched them
> His life falls to shit
> He never finds out who did it to him, witness protection
> The vicious nature of life comes full circle, bitch.


Endangered Flora & Fauna Task Force
This one's a classic! Thank you for dredging this nugget of gold back up; it made my day.
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Jesus Christ, this might be the best story from the chan. A rollercoaster of emotions indeed! This was a great read. Love it. :D:
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