i have some pieces of advice that has helped me greatly when it comes to your exact situation:
1. the path to recovery (having a healthier, better mind) is covered in bumps, and at this moment, im just stumbling before i make a lot more progress
2. self pity and being spiteful because of my own irrational feelings is retarded. that hurts people and yourself and leads to no good—i try to utilize that energy into being more productive or doing something useful so it blows over quickly
3. the people around me care about me, and i owe it atleast to them to try to pursue betterment.
4. i try to pinpoint why i feel that way, and better understand the core issue that is causing me to be a lot more spiteful and try to resolve it.
i hope this helps man! good luck, i understand how shitty and demoralizing the feeling is—as if your very being is of poison—but that simply isn't true. just the mere fact you can recognize you're entering that state speaks volumes of your character and capabilities.
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