This E-Zine/TextFile was issued by COLA and written by zatathustra on March 6, 2000. Cola Presents: Fred The elite Hacker vs Ronald McDonald
One day Fred was sitting at home, watching tv when he saw a McDonalds ad. "Two thick juicy patties of compressed "meat" sandwiched between reprocessed garbage! Eat MDs and save!" bleed the white, pustulent face of the cackling demon Ronald McDonald. "This week's bullshit toy: some crappy piece of melted plastic!"
"Save!" thought Fred. "I'll save you, you clown bastard!!! Soon you'll be eating two juicy patties of c-4! That'll teach you to kill innocent people with your reprocessed garbage!!"
Fred called up his friends, john and zack, and told them of his righteous plan. They both readily agreed to the crusade, agreeing to meet outside of the local 7-11. later that night, the young heroes gathered their supplies.
"Mom! i'm going out!!" Fred shouted as he stuffed some c-4 in his backpack.
"Dont be home too late!" his mother replied.
"I won't!" Fred replied as he hastily packed his backpack with razor blades, a 10" meat cleaver, some flares, piano wire, model rocket fuel, poison, ninja masks, dried fetuses, nunchucks, home-made napalm, contact explosive, powdered human feces, smoke bombs, gasoline, clean underwear, his laptop, acid(both the regular and hallucinogenic varieties), a rocket propelled grenade his father had brought back from vietnam and his red, blue, black, gold, silver, orange, green, brown and mauve boxes.
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"This should end your reign of polyunsaturated terror!" thought Fred as he stepped out of his house. However, little did Fred know that cold, winter's night, that he was stepping into destiny.
Chapter 2: Super-Sized Anarchy
They were such simplistic cowards that they even dropped their wallets and eat-more bars on the side of the road. The young anarchists did not even bother to steal the petty change guaranteed to be held inside, because they had more important things to do.
"Okay, so here's the plan. we go in and try to socially engineer out Ronald
McDonald's location from the mcd's computers."
"Okay, got it."
Arriving at mcpeiceofcraps, the young anarchists, immediately after placing ketchup packets under the toilet seats and adding hydrochloric acid to the ketchup dispenser, proceeded to take soft drink cups off a table, and go to the front counter, asking for a refill. It was almost closing time, and there were no other customers in the store, other than an elderly couple.
"Take this, you fat whale!" shouted Zack as he stuffed his 5' pipe bomb down the back of the fat whale's pants. "That's more pole than you'll ever get!" the whale tried to pull it out, but she was too fat to reach and so the a pipe bomb exploded, tearing open her fat, fat body. Luckily her massive carcass had stopped any of the fragmentation from reaching any of our heroes, who at this point were busy pouring water into the deep fryers, stealing the cash tills, melting the mcd's looser's faces with acid, putting razor blades into the meat patties and placing contact explosives under the soft-drink, dispenser nozzles.
The McDonalds manager, hearing the explosions and screaming, and smelling more burning human flesh than they normally serve in their chicken mcnuggets, came out of his office to investigate. John shouted out "Oh my god! Suddenly everyone else other than us was massacred! Want a diet coke?"
The manager, seeing that mostly only the oh so easily replaced employees were hurt, agreed. When the contact explosive converted him into a new paint job, Fred and crew got to work hacking into the Mcdonalds computers. It took them less than .00001 seconds to crack the crappy security, and they were in!
"Look! it takes 0.001$ to make a Big Mac!"
"There are 10,000 calories in a McFish!"
"These patties are made by and from child laborers!"
Finally John shouted "yes! the master password! I have root access to mcd's
servers!"
"Here we are! A secret lair in Africa! Here's the info!"
The anarchists quickly left, but not before setting every deep fryer in the country to "meltdown", stealing all the money from the tills, putting dynamite underneath the propane tanks, and breaking off the Ronald McDonald statues arms and glueing them onto his crotch.
"Fuck you Ronald! You're next!!!"
Chapter 3: Relentless Assault
Through the slits of the crate, the anarchists could see that it was night; The flight had been a long one. A shudder rolled over their crate as a forklift carried them to their destination. They were in a fortress made of thick stone walls and mud caked buildings. guards and scientists mixed, all surrounded by the imposing dual seals; the McDonald's golden arch, and the nazi swastika.
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They were brought into a storeroom, with only a small podium a few ribbons adorning the walls and some light appetisers. the guards outside were told not to let anyone in for another half an hour. Emerging from the crate, Fred, John, and Deathlok began to trap the entire room then proceed to hide once again. Half an hour later, people, apparently generals, filed in and waited attentively. Then, Ronald strode in.
"Fellow nazis! Our evil plan has come to fruition! Before we could not kill all of the jews, but now, with the help of hitler's brain, we hold the power in this very room! behold! the killeron 5000!"
"Not this time, you pasty-faced demon!"
With that, the anarchists burst out of their hiding place, throwing napalm, dynamite and model rocket fuel grenades at ronald. although on fire, ronald shouted out "get them, goons!" to his generals, half of which were tripping out because of the lLSD in the punch, and the other half of which were already dead because of the pure nicotine lacing their food. Ronald was still on fire, but advancing towards them. The fire and explosions had burnt off the artificial skin covering the robotic monstrosity before them.
"Now you know my terrible secret" cackled robo-ronald, a saw blade whirring on his arm. "Now you die!"
Leveling his rpg at ronalds feet, Fred shouted "not today, robo-bastard!" the rpg blew robo-ronald off his feet, giving fred the opportunity to pull out his 10" meat cleaver. diving, he plunged it all the way into robo-ronald's evil mechanical brain. Ronald screamed in horrible pain, thrashing about, eventually falling still.
They had done it. They had killed Ronald McDonald, and saved the world's jews. Their destiny was fulfilled, and world peace was guaranteed.
On the way out, deathlok put thermite all over robotic ronald mcdonald's dead carcass, while John put powdered human feces in hitler's brain's jar, and Fred took all the change from the dead generals wallets.
The young anarchists stole a jeep and rode it to the nearest airport, where they caught a flight home, back to the land that they loved so dear.
One thousand feet above, on the top floor of the tower built on mt. deathkill, a shadowy figure watched. A sinister cackle echoed through the
mountains.
